Doubts, and renewal of purpose, a gift from CureZone
Don't want to do this any longer.
Date: 2/25/2006 11:20:32 AM ( 15 y ) ... viewed 2417 times
Gone noon, and I've had twinges of just not thinking I can do this any longer, not wanting to, even wnting to eat. It wouldn't come up if I weren't so emphatically exactly where I was in terms of the things I'm fasting for, if u.f. weren't shamelessly showing itself to be a failure even in the simple matter of healing a skin infection. But then I think of this weblog, and how the whole www would know I gave up, so we have to consider when we post weblogs: is that what I want? It looks so terrible, weblogs called THE GREAT 40-day TRANSFIGURATION and then you click on them and see like one post, or that the 40 days lasted 3. It looks so terrible saying "FREEDOM ME FASTING - the 60-day descent into the underworld and emergence in Eden" and people clicking on it and seeing someone starting and stopping, have a little to eat, back at it. And I just don't have the heart to go now and post, on day 6, "thank you for reading, everybody, I think I'm going to quit - frustrated and discouraged, still in hell and dying. So much for 120 days and dreaming." Indeed, that's what I might end up doing, but I can't actually bring myself to do that now - so much more difficult than just eating a coconut-date-almond glob or endless mesclun salad, as one could just do if one had not gone quite so public with it all. So far, in that sense, weblogging really helps. I probably would be eating now, almost definitey, without it - and oh, feeling deathly about it and my future, so-called. I don't want to keep up, but I'm doing so, and that might turn out to be a very significant fork in the road. Maybe. I sure hope.
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