End of Fast
I start a new fast with new hope and thoughts of slow progress, because it's not all-or-nothing. I deal with physical violence.
Date: 1/1/2016 8:18:34 PM ( 3 y ) ... viewed 502 times
Some people want to lose fifty lbs in two weeks and focus on the future and dream unrealistically. I focus on the present and don't think about that far ahead. Although if I was more mindful, I might have not eaten. I am sorry, Tk, for being so weak and unreliable. I am not giving up though. I start my fast all over again right now. It was just so hard to fight my compulsions. I suddenly had compulsions over and over and over again to give up. In that state, you are not sure what reality is anymore. I was losing touch with reality.
What's interesting is that during my fast, I did everything my parents bid, but the moment I ate, I stopped following directions. It even got violent physically with my stepdad. Trying to get over him being violent with me. I might need to call a Talkline to figure it out. All I know is that I need to keep respecting him, and the bad luck all started with me eating food. When he was pushing me to do the chore, I felt that my dreams were shattered and I was wretched and it was OK to be lazy, and that was the reason I resisted doing the chore. Guess I made myself unhappy by eating. OMG I just remembered something. After I overate one day, I couldn't get out of bed for a week. It was because of overeating that day. I made myself depressed.
I did self body scans while fasting today, and I was starting to glow a little bit. It looked amazing. I can't believe I gave it up tonight. What about the glow?
I guess I can cope with me eating. I can cope because you are not going to lose twenty lbs in two days, because even a class like College Algebra needs you to do work everyday that builds up in the long run. You learn little by little, accumulating. I wonder whether there's a word for this slow progress. You take one step at a time. You can't just leap a mile or climb 600 steps in a single step. So I don't freak out. I am going to start fresh. There are no unrealistic and impractical realities with me. I just wonder though, what will I do if the same compulsions of giving up came like it did tonight. Well, just pretend I am a drug addict who is going off of the drug. It felt the same kind of compulsions as a drug addict going cold turkey. It just kept coming and coming. You conquer this wave of doubt, uncertainty, and compulsion, the next wave hits. I began to get stultified by the constant attack. Should I defend myself somehow for the attack or find a way to deal with the sudden attack? It was definitely a mind assault, a mind rape. I guess just be aware it is a mind rape and that will help. Also, my stepdad said that you need to be occupied to keep your mind off of it. I didn't believe him and just lay on the sofa, because the whole three days I was fine with just the thought of wanting to fast, but now I believe him. Today I didn't do too much and only wanted family time. Guess it didn't work out. Family time ended when I ate.
I also realize that it wasn't my dad's fault that he was violent with me. I was the one who started it. I wasn't kind in the first place.
I actually really want to eat now, but I am going to think of the concept of slow progress. Sometimes you eat because you think it's all-or-nothing. Thinking of slow progress counters this self-defeating, irrational belief.
I hope you will bear with me, Tk, and not give up on me. I will be better and I will continue to support you. Although it will help if I set a model example and if I am doing the same thing you are doing, so I will aspire to do so.
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