From Bad to Worse: Suicidal
Suffering kids, suicidal, disseminated parasitic infection
Date: 4/21/2015 5:57:28 AM ( 6 y ) ... viewed 1068 times
I would never in one million years have thought that I, out of all people, would be suicidal. I believe in God, I grew up Catholic, and wanted our family to be part of the fellowship and worship services at our local parish. I would never have dreamed to hurt myself. I remember talking one year prior to Nov. 2014, to a friend (R.); he and I agreed that there could not possibly be anything in the world worth causing one's self suicide. Ironically, exactly a year later (to the exact month), I tried just that, to kill myself. Why? Like I had said, there isn't a reason for it in the world...or was there?! My reason was that I gave my deadly infection to my kids. I cannot sleep at night because I have killed my kids by accident. How do I know? The way any single one of us knows that we have hyper-infection. It isn't a guessing game. I am a mom, I know what I have is contagious via saliva. Nobody would dare believe this because it sounds too far fetched. I'm sorry but it is undeniably possible. In hyper-infection, the sputum contains infectious microscopic larvae (CDC, Wikipedia, Merck Manual). I knew the moment that my son drank after me that that was the end. There is no way I can get treatment for him and his sister (whom caught it from him). My son looks like he is barely hanging on in pictures; he looks sad and drained, and confused as to what is happening. He does not look like a typical, happy, healthy, laughing three year old. He appears very distressed and my heart is cut in half. My daughter looks wiped out, too. They are pale, frail, skinny, and chronically coughing. I am barely carrying on myself, knowing what I have- they, too, have. I can't emphasize it enough, this is really a nightmare...both day and night, 24/7.
I was on cloud 9 when both of my children were born. And now, a few short years later, they're not thriving, but rather, dying. Nobody would make this up. Nobody. Especially not a mother. No mother would be able to bear this. No mother would utter such scary, terrible words if she didn't know the truth. Disseminated disease, nobody can grasp it unless you have it. Nobody can comprehend the pain, especially the brutal reality that people who haven't experienced it, won't believe it for a second. :(
After my son and daughter caught this disease, I immediately tried to kill myself. I cannot really live at all anymore, I am so hurt that I have already died inside. I cannot laugh nor smile nor look at babies and kids. It hurts like a knife stabbing me over and over in the heart. How can a mommy live, knowing full well that she has accidentally harmed her babies, her only meaning in life. I would give up the rest of my life, get hit by train or a bus or anything to allow my kids a chance to survive.
I don't even know if I should discuss my suicide attempts. It's utterly disturbing. This whole situation of disbelief by the medical community and inability to get my kids treatment is the worst death sentence. Sorry to ramble, I am in an ocean of my own tears from this occurring. When people say it isn't so, that cannot happen, they are misinformed. It can and did happen. My own mother won't drink after me, she knows there is likely truth to what I say. There is truth to it. My babies are afflicted and I just want to save them. I cannot reiterate it enough, the crawling my daughter had on her foot is really very real. I guarantee that my three year old has experienced it as well, but he doesn't know what it is to put it in words. He is only three and caught this at the mere age of two.
I drank four beers and inhaled a some helium to try to off myself, to punish myself for harming my sweethearts. I obviously couldn't breathe afterwards, so I called EMT. The monitor in the ER room kept beeping "apnea". This is when my husband really abandoned ship in our marriage. He insisted I be committed. He got his way. I sadly was a harm to myself because I harmed my own flesh and blood, my reasons for being. I wish that I could wake up from this, just like a bad nightmare.
I was sent to Largo Behavioral Medical Center. I spent my 36th birthday there. I didn't receive so much as a "Happy Birthday" except from my mom and husband. That didn't matter to me though, how can it matter when my kids are hurting...that nobody but myself (and others on here, battling systemic parasites) can understand. During my stay at Largo, my hate for myself intensified. This disgusting infectious disease! On Nov. 14, 2014, my precious daughter's seventh birthday, I sadly tried to get rid of my diseased, disgusting self again. I knew then and know now that my kids are dying. What mom would ever say that? None, but I know better, I know what is happening. I jumped of a table, about 3-4 feet high, onto the concrete floor, head first. That most certainly caused brain trauma. I sustained an olceranon fracture from completely shattering my elbow. I don't know how I am still somewhat alive to tell about this event.
All of this because of a wretched worm infection that is contagious orally. Surely, God did not plan for this to occur.
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