crap day, literally
what an evening
Date: 7/16/2010 9:06:09 PM ( 7 y ) ... viewed 4531 times
Well, Day 1 working in a nursing home. I was so f*cking depressed afterward. I walk and then ran until I couldn't run. I 'air-boxed' and kicked and punched and all else just to get this week out of me.
I feel like I am going in the wrong direction because I am facing so much rejection (he never followed up to our conversation), so much truth of how ugly life is - seeing those old folks reduced to one night stand, a tiny hang space for close, half a room they share, and all that goes with being elderly. I put on my happy-game-face but came home and nearly puked.
Why, why, why did I choose all this for myself? Why? Why did I get here?
Oh yeah, alcoholism and grief psychosis - I forgot. I have never felt so angry and alone - well, not since I was a kid growing up in my parent's home that is.
My faith is shot. I am leaving to go to a book study on Christianity and I did not do the material. I am not interested in the book. It's dry. I'll just go and say so. I'll ask for an alternate book that was suggested two weeks ago.
Still raw vegan. Thankfully. It's all I've got. My well body is all I've got. I walked .....
Well, I stopped in mid-sentence and it's almost 10pm and I started this blog at 4:30pm. Apparently the phone rang or I saw the clock and got ready for Bible study, went, came home, grabbed my salad and went to my AA mtg. What a time warp this was.
When I was driving home from the Bible study, my ex called me. Now, he has not voluntarily called me in 2 years. He asked if the 'please don't attend my meetings' request was still in effect. I simply said that my only intention in this is that he do whatever he needs to take care of himself. I, in turn, will take care of myself. I thanked him for his kindness in calling and asking and we said our goodbyes and hung up. Cell to cell. Within one minute I pass him on the road. We both waved. I on the way to my home to pick up my salad for the meeting tonight and he on the way to the meeting or some meeting. He never went to my meeting. I never expected a phone call, that's for sure. I am glad I got it. Now, off to brush my teeth, wash my face and into bed.
Work in the morning.
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