action is real
reality: it doesn't have to be what I think
Date: 2/12/2010 12:49:07 PM ( 7 y ) ... viewed 1865 times
Broke and fixed my coffee maker! I am truly my father's daughter! I used to watch him when I was a child fix things at the kitchen table in the early 1970's. He was a vending machine mechanic, the machines were operated internally by springs, levers and washers. He'd take them all apart and I'd just sit and watch. He gave off a warmth, a peace, a calm when doing this. He'd drink coffee and smoke cigarettes. Sometimes a beer, warm.
Reality, today. Sunny day. Told my sponsor I need to take a week off from our relationship. I just get in a space that I cannot share or be spoken to. Lock-down emotionally. I've got to work this out, my perception of me and my place in this world. I don't want to drink. Sometimes I just really want to not keep going is all. I feel like those who have not walked away from their lives with the absolute willingness to die are people I can trust, people I can talk to. They still have everything, they still are hanging on to whatever illusions make them happy. My illusions made me happy until the very universe shattered around me. Then my life looked like one big illusion, one big lie, one big ass-kissing and I was the one puckering up. Damn - my attitude is not winning me anything in this world. Not winning me friends, love, hope, understanding, light. Yet I cannot SEE any other way, feel any other way.
I have to get out. It's my day off and I need to get out in the sun, get into what is real. The snow, my strong legs, the air in my lungs - all that IS real. All that IS God.
I woke up to a dream of making love with my ex-husband. It was based on me knowing he doesn't love me or want me to love him. I woke up empty and feeling shaky. A dream has the power to shake my reality. How unbalanced that is. That in itself is a true coping problem. Good, one down - how many more to go?
Okay. Yesterday's report:
snow shoe at lunch - did a great 'power walk' stretching my legs, glutes, and abs.
got to work early and focused my efforts at to be efficient, accurate, and just plain agreeable.
ate the food I prepared rather than buying junk good and throwing out what I prepared.
began reading a new book: fictional mystery.
brushed my teeth and washed my face and then brushed my teeth again after I ate chocolate before bed.
Okay, it's 2pm.
Today's actions for sanity:
do the daily readings and response journaling
meditate for 15 minutes on the mat
eat, shower, change
cook the marinating pork I have in the 'fridge - it's ready to spoil
clean up the house real quick
take a walk through the village and buy some stamps to deliver the bill I am paying this week
as I walk through the village where I live to just say a prayer of true, true thanks as I take it all in and to bring peace in with each breath
take a good snow shoe on the rec path here in town for a long, long meander - take a good look at the river, the trees, the hills and the mountains
eat the food I cooked for dinner
wash up and then get to the women's meeting tonight and be clear, kind, amiable and baggage-free - say hello, look into their eyes and just smile to bring a smile TO them and try to take nothing FROM them
watch a movie with my late-son's Dad with the only intention in my heart to be light, kind, stable, grounded, and baggage free - to bring to the situation and not take from it
take my nightly inventory
meditate for 15 minutes on the mat
brush my teeth and wash my face
read one last inspirational reading before I go to sleep so that I may hopefully absorb it while I sleep
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