Monday 30/4/2007 10 y
Last week my parents house went on fire and my friend was put in hospital for the second time by the same guy.
Iím on a work placement at the moment. I have to do it as part of my degree. But I donít want to. I think Iíd rather do just about anything than work in an office. I donít think there is anything I actually want to do though. I know Iím whinging but right now I donít care. I want so badly just to opt out.
Everything I look down and see breasts and hips Iím disgusted. I canít talk to people without making a fool of myself. Iím incapable of being happy. And thereís no way OUT.
Numbness & Drama are what my lifeís made of at the moment. I just want to sleep all the time. I just want to close ... read more
Wednesday 29/10/2006 11 y
Stop the world. I want to get off.
Just out of curiosity, does anyone know where that quote comes from?
Iím sick in bed at the moment and have been for the last week or two. Iím getting better now. The thing is, I donít want to. I donít want to go back to college. I donít want to talk to people or make decisions. I donít want to do anything. I donít want to live.
When I look into the future I donít see anything changing. I see a life Iíve no interest in, continuing for decades.
I donít want children, or to marry, or to have a job.
I donít want to sleepwalk through my life. But I donít have a choice.
I know ... read more
Tuesday 12/9/2006 11 y
I want to be a good friend. But I can't.
Ba mhaith liom bionn cara maith. Ach nil me abalta.
Iíve mentioned my friend Mike before. I care a lot about him. But the last week (in particular) heís been shouting down the phone at me about how Iím a crap friend and can rot for all he cares ect... Before you think Mike is a complete arsehole I should point out that he has a LOT of problems and his mind doesnít work in any normal way. Iím the only good friend he has in this country. And heís pissed because I donít spend much time with him. But itís not that I get a kick out of annoying him (which he seems to think). I canít hang out with any of my other friends when Iím with Mike cause t ... read more
Monday 4/9/2006 11 y
Old photos/Are kids depressed
My mum decided to clean out the attic. I donít live at home anymore but I was helping out anyway. We found loads of old photos and I was putting them in albums. A lot of them were of me as a little kid. My mum kept commenting that I was so happy then before I got ícomplexí. (I think she was refering to my taste in music and clothes though Iím not sure.)
But I wasnít happy then (when I was ínormalí) either. I can remember. I can remember back to when I was 1 actually, though I only have clear memories from about 3. I canít remember how I felt that young but I DO remember that by the time I ... read more
Sunday 6/8/2006 11 y
Trying to cope.
Right now Iím trying not to cut myself. I havenít in a few weeks which is really good for me. But I think Iím going to very soon. Iím just not good at dealing with stress.
I want to scream untill my lungs bleed and tear the world apart. Then maybe someone who cares can rebuild it without all the shit and disease.
Or maybe thatís just life. visit the page
Sunday 6/8/2006 11 y
Just to let you know I'm still alive.
Well, itís been a year and a half since I last posted. Iím not so good at getting things done. Loads of stuffís happened obviously but I donít feel like typing it all out. By the way, if anyone wants to see some (very old) pictures of minor injuries I gave my self I have a few up on psych.org. Hereís another short poem I wrote:
Six feet down
Beneath the dirt
No more joy
No more hurt
Bheul, ni sciobh me anseo in am fado. Nil me ro-mhaith ag deanamh rudi. Ni mhaith liom scriobh gach rud o an bhliann seo. visit the page
Thursday 28/4/2005 12 y
Two more poems ...
DŠ dŠnŪ ťile
This first one is called ĒMy ChoiceĒ.
Itís my life
No matter how many chains you forge
No matter how little choice I have
Itís still mine.
You give it, unasked for.
You take it, by force.
But I am valid.
Just as much as you.
Love shouldnít be like this.
Iím only hear so as not to hurt you;
Living in this world,
Wrapped in barbed wire.
You can crack me open.
You can hold me down.
But never forget:
Itís my choice to bleed.
This one is called ĒJust WrongĒ.
Nothing makes sence.
My headís starting to hurt,
With all this confusion,
Between death and birth.
The ... read more
Thursday 31/3/2005 12 y
The theraputic value of beating the shit out of eachother to music
Hands up who knows what moshing is!
Anyway went to a concert yesterday with Micheal (Good Charlot in case you are wondering). That has got to be the best stress relief ever. A hundred times better than cutting (though unfortunately a lot less immediately available). The moshing wasnít even particularly good but it was still brilliant. If everyone could do that shit everynight theyíd be happy. Deaf but happy.
Chuaigh mť go dtŪ cheolchoirm innť le Micheal. visit the page
Thursday 24/3/2005 12 y
a poem I wrote called "No Evil"
Bleed in silence
With screams that no one hears
Claw at the prison
Lacerate the flesh
Trapped in the darkness
Cause theyíve closed their eyes visit the page
Friday 18/3/2005 12 y
Thinking about my boyfriend
Yea I know itís a bit of a change of topic but I feel like writting about Micheal (whoís a different person to Mike). We have been going out for 7 months. I love him. (Donít know if Iím in love with him. I certainly find him hot though.) He says he loves me and I believe him.
Heís so innocent. I donít know how he manages it.
I like him. And I like touching him. (For some reason Iím attracted to people who are ridiculously thin. He only weighs eight and a half stone.)
But Iím so scared of hurting him.
I have dreams and thoughts where people are horribly tortured. Sometimes Iím the one g ... read more
Tuesday 15/3/2005 12 y
Why I'm not medicated.
I did some test on the internet recently, just cause I enjoy it. I did a good few for depession. They all came back saying I was either moderately or sevearly depressed. Not very surprising.
I bet youíre wondering why I donít just take the medication thatís been offered to me.
The truth is I donít want to. I donít want to change the person I am. If Iím not happy so be it. This world isnít a happy place. Everyone isnít the same. And I donít want to be just like eveybody else. I realised when I was fourteen that I was better than that. So the world is just going to have to accept me the wa ... read more
Friday 25/2/2005 12 y
Is it always going to be like this?
Iím almost back to normal today. The pain is duller. But Iím not sure Iím glad. I just donít want to continue riding this moving footpath through my life. Thatís what it feels like, like Iím on one of those things, only its underwater and thereís loads of other people on it too and Iím chained to them. At least if I snapped I wouldnít be here anymore.
I cut my right arm today, just once, vertically.
Iím worried about trying to kill myself and messing it up. Thereís only one thing at all that Iím afraid of, being a prisoner. If they put me in a mental hospital I will be dead as soon a ... read more
Thursday 24/2/2005 12 y
An upseting incident and realisations.
I have realised that I really do not want to live in this world.
Iíve tried to kill myself many times (mainly between the ages of 13 and 15). But Iíd managed to convince myself that I just wasnít thinking clearly then, didnít realise the consequences of what I was doing. But thatís not true. At this moment two sharp pulls of a blade seem preferable to continuing this existance.
One of my best friend ran away from home again yesterday. I got a message on my phone of him crying and screaming at me to pick up, to please be in. I couldnít ring him back, heíd rung from a call center in tow ... read more
Wednesday 23/2/2005 12 y
apathy and insignificance
I could do stuff. I could invent things or make scientific discoveries. f***, Iím certainly smart enough! I could be remembered in dull books and have something named after me. But I donít seem to have the will to care. I just couldnít be bothered. Iím so f***ing bored with life. I want to run and scream and at the same time I just want to daydream it away. Maybe Iím horribly selfish. Maybe Iím wasting my potential. Maybe Iím slowly killing myself. But I canít see why it matters. I canít see why anything matters. Weíre flashes of light beneath a microscope, glorious for a millisecond. Then ... read more
Friday 18/2/2005 12 y
haven't written it yet
So far a pretty good day. I have to go back to my parentsí house latter though. At least they wonít be there. I donít know why they feel they can order me to go there. I donít know why I obey. Itís not like I ask them for anything. I pay my own rent and thankfully Iím exempt from college fees. (Note for people not from Ireland: college and university are basically the same thing here.)
Things donít ever seem to work out. It makes me want to scream (but I canít) and cut. I know I shouldnít cause it upsets the people who care about me but I need it to release the tension. I tried to kill my ... read more