by deocder
Page 2 of 2

More   12 y  
I was supposed to write more this week.....supposed to make a not of my moods and stuff....I would say that they have been a bit more steady since last monday.... I still eat I ate ice cream for lunch....i’m tired of eating like shit...look what it does to me.... I have made a decision to do a short Master Cleanse to break the addictive eating cycle....clean things out a bit, and regain the feel good about myself feelings....I had them when cleansing before....My plan is to cleanse until a couple days before Thanksgiving.....the question is, can I stick to my committm ...   read more

Today   12 y  
Just a log
Mood Levels: 1=Pits of dispair 5=Eh 10=Euphoria Woke up 5AM - 6 At work 6AM - 6 Working 8AM - 4 Working 10AM - 7 Working 12PM - 7 Working 2PM - 5 Off work 4PM - 5 Errands 6PM - 7 Food: 6 AM - 1 Superfood 9:30 AM - 1 Superfood 2 PM - 1 Asian Chicken Salad 3 PM - 2 fist size assortment of chocolate brownie stuff 6:30 PM - 6 crunchy Taco Bell tacos Whatever, I dont feel like writing. I made an enlargement of me today. It came out pretty blurry but whatever, I’ll frame it anyway. I getting ready to meet with a sponsee to go over his 8th step list..... What else? ...   read more

Starting to get hungry   12 y  
What should I eat?
Yep, I’m starting to get hungry and that ever impending questions is festering in my mind....”what should I eat?” The though of ice cream has been floating in my mind for a while, but I really am not compelled to eat that.... Looks like it’s going to be fresh veggie juice tonight....we’ll see how long that lasts... And I’ve been trying to get my picture printed today but the machine has been broken at two of the places I’ve gone to. Is god trying to tell me something here?   visit the page

Music   12 y  
Music is good
It’s amazing what a meeting and a little bit of good music will do! I feel great! I led the meeting on ”Let go and let god” which is the topic out of the daily reflections book. And I said a lot of things that I really should be practicing when it comes to this food addiction. It was a good meeting for me and I heard what I needed to hear. Then I went to Wal-mart and on the way out, the Toys-for tots girl said ”hi, how are you doing today” in this super cheesy cheery voice....I blew past her and said hi, but I wanted to say ”shitty” because thats how I felt coming out of the store for ...   read more

Sick day!   12 y  
Free day!
You know, it just dawned on me that my poor eating habits are generally confined to the night time, and the weekends, usually when I have a lot of free it seems that I need to avoid free time......bah....that doesn’t solve any of the underlying stuff. Anyway, I have taken a sick day mainly because I didn’t feel like going to work today, but also to burn up my sick leave before I move. Can I do that? Well, I I am going to a meeting and then packing and shipping some stuff I sold on e-bay. I also plan on printing a picture of young me that I enlarged with Photoshop.. ...   read more

Feed that kid, would ya?   12 y  
The kid shuts up when you feed him....
Wow! So lets re-evaluate what just happened here..... The kid in me was crying out for something.....but what was it? All I remember was feeling crappy.....feeling overwhelmed about the fish tank, overwhelmed about how I’ve been screwing up this past what was the kid saying? It’s not very clear....all I did was shut the him up by stuffing gobs of extremely rich ice cream doen his throat until he was sick to his stomach.....and did it work? Is he shut up? Not really.....cause now I feel like shit.... I’ve been aware of the child inside me quite a bit this week.....I d ...   read more

I really don't want to write tonight.....   12 y  
analysis please....
I haven’t written all week......whY? I don’t want too look at myself.....why? Because I don’t like who I am.....why? Because I am not doing very well.....or doing things that are good for me.... Or do I just think that and it’s not real? I don’t know..... I just finished cleaning my fish tank that I have not cleaned for two months....I usulally clean it every week. So what does this say? I’m lazy? Yes, or maybe more accurately, I’m depressed. Yep, thats obvious.....I just wanted to get rid of my fish tank right then and there while I was cleaning it. I dont want to deal with ...   read more

They are coming back....   12 y  
Onamonapia...did I spell that right?
Yep, the fats starting to show....I wouldn’t have noticed but I took my sweater off....and the man boobs are starting to show nicely again. Have I had enough of this BS yet? Did the chinese food buffet help? What are you doing to yourself, man!?!? I feel disgusted with myself and I feel disgusting. But that doesn’t seem to matter when I want to eat. I’m fighting a battle that I force myself to lose, every time! And amidst all my health consciousness, my mercury amalgams are being replaced tomorrow....and then what? Lets hurry up and get these poisons out of my body! Now lets s ...   read more

I look older that I am.....   12 y  
Plain Text Editor
Someone told me today that I look like I am 34, and I’m only 27...that’s 7 years! Am I suprised? Not really, I treat my body like crap! I know I would look younger if I just took care of myself. Went bowling tonight, had two orders of mozzerella sticks....they were good, but not that good, but they did the trick cause I was craving them.....should have got a milkshake but was distracted after bowling 5 strikes in a row, yes....5! Now about that Butterfinger upstairs......   visit the page

More words....   12 y  
I sit at the computer wondering what will come out.....I’ve done it again, and again, and it bad enough yet? Apparently not. I ended up going out for a calzone last night, by myself as usual, then went to Coldstone Creamery.....I thought that a meeting was in order so I went to the meeting. After that I was on my way home and thought that a sundae from McDonalds would be good, but I resisted. Instead I went to Safeway to get Ben and Jerrys. While I was there, I got some fruit and vegetables for the juicer.....yea I know! The Ben and Jerrys was ok, coldstone is bett ...   read more

Here they come!   12 y  
More words
Hunger....or is it boredom? Or lonliness? Some ice cream would be good right about now! I just had some carrot, apple, parsley juice.....not very satisfying. Of course, it isn’t hunger I am really tring to satisfy, is it? Let’s look at me....nope, don’t feel like it.....but I am sitting here in my spot, just came inside from working on the I’m in a transition. I am contemplating taking pictures of things to put on e-bay, but I’m not jumping to do that.....all my e-mail is checked, got all the newest music, e-bay auctions are steadily plans for tonight e ...   read more

I'm getting overwhelmed!   12 y  
Thoughts on screen
I am moving in two months and I have SO MUCH stuff to get rid of. This pack-rat thing is not helping me right now. I’ve got lots of stuff on e-bay but thats only the tip of the iceberg. I really need to make a calander of things to do for the next 2 months so I dont keep freaking out over these things. Still eating like crap, about to eat a Butterfinger, but it would be better with ice cream..... My dad is going in for surgery to have a large cyst removed from his sinus. He’s really afraid that this it. He feels his mortality being tested. The surgery is compilcated and require ...   read more of thoes days!   12 y  
more writing
Yep, I had one of thoes days.....I haven’t had on in a really long time... Just an overall crappy day....or have I convinced myself that it went that way? Lets see....cold and rainy, expected worker didn’t show up, difficult tasks at work, ate too much at lunch, breath stunk from lunch, got super tired after lunch, left work an hour early, kept fallinf asleep on the way home, decided to go to a meeting but didn’t follow through, wanted to sleep instead.....didn’t sleep, or not yet at least..... It’s been almost a weeks since yoga, I ate ice cream last night after late night dinner, ...   read more

I disgust myself   12 y  
Eat it!
Yea, I know thats kind of harsh.....but you know what ’they’ say, ”You are your harshest critict!” So I’m writing this post overeating session..... And I am having the same feelings I had last night at this time. ’Why do I eat like this?’ Now that I have taken care of eating my emotions, do I feel better? No, I feel disgusted with myself! Why did I eat all that chili and cornbread until I was stuffed. And why did I talk myself into eating Coldstone AGAIN! I almost talked myself out of it too....but I didn’t make it. So here I am in disgust with myself, thinking of the juice th ...   read more

And so it goes....   12 y  
Compulsive Overeater
As a continuation of my last entry.... I continued to obsess about going to Dairy I grabbed an apple....went upstairs....and was approached by a friend who had just finished eating a collosal burger and some ice cream....I blew him off quick, told him how hungry I was. I don’t think I was that hungry. The opportunity came for me to sneak away. I got in my car and drove an hour and fifteen minutes home to get my wallet. On the way there I felt anticipation. It was a nice car ride, I tend to like driving regardless of my motives. Once I had my wallet I headed back to ...   read more

Grrrr   12 y  
Messed up me....
Here I am on a spiritual retreat and I dont feel good. Last night I binged on dessert and felt so guilty that I purged as much as I could take. Now today I cant stop thinking about a freaking Dairy Queen Blizzard. And to make matters worse, I left my wallet at home and have considered driving there to get it just so I can get a Blizzard. If I try to borrow some money from somone then they might find out what I am planning on doing. I’m such a freakin addict! I didn;t feel like going to the AA meeting cause I didn’t want to hear about everyones retreat. Something is wrong with me an ...   read more

Go #$&^ yourself!   12 y  
How 'bout a nice hot cup of STFU!
I just don’t feel good today.....which is usually mental and not physical. I cant seem to shake the circumstances of today out of my head.....I guess I feel that I have been wronged. I was supposed to take my grandpa to the airport this morning. It would have required that I get up at 4:45 AM. Of course I did not really want to get up that early but my dad and I agreed that I would do it. So I let my grandpa know that he should wake me up when he needed the ride. So I wake up at 6:45 wondering what happened. I went to his room, he was gone, not at the house. I checked my dads roo ...   read more

Abuse   12 y  
How I like to eat
Ugh, I feel like crap. Last night I ate soo much bad food, what was I thinking? Here’s how it went down: I had an early dinner with my dad and grandad. I ate two fish tacos that were rather healthy. Then we went for ice cream....bad misteak. Instead of getting the sherbet (which had to have been better on the health scale) I had the vanilla ice cream with chocolate covered peanut butter truffels and swirls of fudge mixed a large waffel cone... I must say, it tasted terrific. The problem is that is was made out of crap! I knew that it wasn’t good for me, but I ate ...   read more

Saturday   12 y  
poor me
It’s saturday night....I’m in front of my computer.....feeling lonely....what happened? I should have know that my ex-girlfriend was going to flake out on dinner tonight. I’m the %¤#&!§-that drove 45 minutes to meet her while waiting for her to call. Rather then lettign dinner go to waste, I ate by myself. I would have been fine if I had stopped when all the food was gone, but I just hat to order more. And of course that ruined the satisfaction I felt from the first portion. I thought about stopping by Coldstone Creamery on the way home but managed to stay away from there. I rea ...   read more

1st real bit of food....   12 y  
So-so salad
I’ve weened myself back from the Master Cleanse by having OJ and vegetable soup. The vegetable soup was very good, lots of veggies, and cayenne! Oh yeah, and brown rice too! SO tonight I had my first salad: Of course it was very flavorful, but I didn’t really like it. Perhaps that is because I am not used to eating healthy....but that doesn’t meen that it can’t taste good. I guess I am on a quest to find great tasting healthy foods. I did go ahead and make some pesto for whatever. I used it to dip some raw veggies into and it ...   read more

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Created: 12 y   Aug 30 2005

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Re: Oh..! deocder 12 y
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Sometimes it just … 9thbo… 12 y
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