Covering Shame
by #51044
Page 3 of 3

Here It Is   18 y  
Post Deleted
Sixteen people viewed this post before I deleted it. It was a stupid post. Not thought out, not sincere, just spewing. Spewing of inner grossness and decay. This blog is about covering shame, however, so I do intend to rewrite the post with more intelligence next time. Don’t worry, the rest of you will get to see too, why I am the way I am. #51044   visit the page

This Must End   18 y  
I have to stop eating this way.
My daughter is so beautiful. The reality of what I am doing struck me tonight. I have to stop. I have to stop regardless of how I feel. Regardless of how hard it is to change. I have to stop eating this way. It isn’t just overeating; it is a way of being out of control. I realized when I was listening to the dialogue going on in my head, that I think of myself as uncontrollable. If my husband takes the car to work, then I walk everywhere. Maybe we should just sell the car—then I would be forced to walk even if I have access to the car. If I fast then I can lose weight, I can’t o ...   read more

Light Bulbs   18 y  
So it has all come down to being ashamed of myself. That is why I hide away and avoid people and overeat—I have been ashamed of myself for so long.
How do I start again? A question that can be heard around the world these days. So there is the world, there is war, there is Katrina and Tsunami, there is famine, there is crime, then there are the lesser things of course, and somewhere underneath the same sky there is me. Me as I sit in my comfortable home, wearing my comfortable clothes, eating my comfortable food, and feeling—well, quite uncomfortable actually. I am sitting here in the dark contemplating beginning again. Beginning the fast again, beginning my education again, beginning my life again and I feel so sad, so wasteful ...   read more

So Much For Before And After Pics And Recipes   18 y  
Nope. Not gonna do it.
As if anyone has been checking...holding their breathe...but still I thought I would finally say it, ”There will be no pics.” The reason? I just haven’t done it and I am finally letting myself off the hook and admitting that I am not going to do it. No recipe book either. Moving on...   visit the page

4:30 AM Diapers and Watermelon   18 y  
I thought I would feel like I quit or gave up or some equally awful feeling, but I don't.
September 14, 2005 @ 5:11 AM My daughter ran out of diapers yesterday (I thought we had another pack waiting in the wings) and the store that I buy them out was closed by 7:00 I thought I will just put her in a pair of her swimmers for the night--um big mistake. She woke up soaking at 3:30 AM. I knew I was going to have to go to a 24 hour grocery store and purchase her some huggies or something equally unnatural to get us through. I felt that awful nagging hunger which has been getting stronger for the past few nights. The veggie broth didn’t help, the thought of lemonade re ...   read more

Hills   18 y  
The post is the abstract!
September 12, 2005 @ 9:59 PM Today I rode my baby around our Lake. It took me an hour and 1/2. I did so well, I couldn’t believe the improvement in my cardiovascular health. I rode up hill and was able to just keep riding...I didn’t feel like I was going to start crying and jump off the bike--big improvement!   visit the page

A Dream On Night Number Three-An Interpretation On Night Number Twenty   18 y  
I am safe even with my fears all around me.
September 10, 2005 @ 12:30 AM Sharks represent my deepest fears. In the dream because I want to swim with them, they will not harm me. So, if I want to live (really live) with my fears they will not kill me. In the dream if I did not want to swim with the sharks they would eat me. So, hiding from my fears, running from them, trying to avoid them is what has been killing me, ever so slowly snuffing out my light. Now I know that I am safe even with my fears all around me. I can still swim. I can still live. This new knowledge is (and I say is because it is still sinking in-not yet take ...   read more

My Disco Ball   18 y  
It felt like a disco ball spinning slowly the anger acting as the light dissipating throughout my center.
September 10, 2005 @ 11:45 PM I felt mad today when discussing something with my husband. My mind actually turned to food, ”Forget this, I am going to eat,” I thought to myself without thinking first. But then I caught myself. I thought, ”What is making me want to eat?” Then I just actually concentrated on the mad feeling. I let myself explore it. It felt like a disco ball spinning slowly the anger acting as the light dissipating throughout my center. I embraced it and let it go. And it went. It was really cool. I had heard, or read, or somehow learned the idea of ”letting yourself feel ...   read more

Twenty!   18 y  
I can wear my pajama bottoms again.
September 10, 2005 @ 11:30 PM Progress Report I can no longer do salt water flushes. This morning I got it all down and then threw it all up. So I have to do tea twice a day. I am adding vegetable broth starting tomorrow. I am excited for the next 20 days. I feel really good. My clothes feel good. I am feeling a lot more fit. My stomach no longer bulges over my pants. I can wear my pajama bottoms again. I have lost 27 pounds. I can walk up hill without that horrible stingy feeling in my legs AND I am not out of breath when I reach the top. I am playing more ...   read more

A List of Things That Inspire Me to Keep Fasting And a Side Note   18 y  
Doing splits with my little sister.
September 8, 2005 @ 10:00 PM Getting to see my grandchildren Having a healthy heart Being able to Run Being able to move freely Regaining my flexibility Smiling at strangers Being exuberant Playing with my daughter Doing splits with my little sister Sandra’s Wedding Fully participating in my life Wearing cute clothes Being sexy Being uninhibited even when the lights are on Being confident Raising healthy children that will learn healthy habits Being unafraid of running into old friends and classmates Being Able to Express Fully Who I Am. Letting My Light Shine. Em ...   read more

Moments of Happiness   18 y  
“But I want more than just moments.”
In June I went to into a coffee shop and ordered a coffee milkshake. As the barista handed it to me he said, “Enjoy your moment of happiness.” I walked out holding that shake, no longer wanting to drink it. He had just summed up my life in food. Food gave me moments of happiness. I walked a few blocks looking for a garbage can, but I drank it instead. He was right. I felt happy for the entire 10 minutes it took me to finish that shake. As I drank it I was thinking, “But I want more than just moments.”   visit the page

One Down 59 To Go   18 y  
My overactive imagination pictured myself dying in the emergency room from bingeing on Taco Bell on day 16 of a fast.
September 6, 2005 @ Morning At 6:30 AM I rose and took my husband off to work. I don’t normally do this, but he is leaving from work for a business trip. Usually, sadly, I looked forward to his trips because it meant I could eat what ever I wanted all day long out in the open instead of secretly as I did most of the time. As I drove home I thought about how much I was going to miss him over the next four days, how I couldn’t explain to our daughter why daddy wouldn’t be home to eat dinner and read her bedtime stories. Then the old thoughts started returning...I could have a sausage e ...   read more

Adding Fresh Squeezed Orange Juice   18 y  
I stared at the single orange in our fruit bowl for a long time.
September 6, 2005 @ 10:38 PM Ahhhhhhhhh! I feel so much better. I have been having trouble getting the lemonade down. It just tastes awful to me at this awful I wasn’t able to comprehend drinking it for another 24 days. I only managed to drink three today and it just isn’t enough to keep myself feeling healthy. But I don’t want to I stared at the single orange in our fruit bowl for a long time. Then I sliced it, my mouth watering at the promise of orange juice on my tongue...I squeezed it...I drank it sip after sip...I smiled with glee. I decided I am going t ...   read more

Post Fast Recipe Book Idea's-Sandwich's#1   18 y  
Note to self* I am not planning to eat bread products for a while after the fast. So I may enjoy all of these in bowls until I feel like adding bread to my list of snobby foods.
SKY SCRAPER PEPPER STEAK SANDWICH (Credit to my hubby) 2 Slices Whole Grain Bread (Great Harvest) 1 Tbs. Soy Mayonnaise 1 Tbs. Sweet Hot Mustard 3 Slices Green Pepper 3 Slices Red Pepper 3 Slices Red Onion (Thin) 2 oz Almond Cheese (Pepper Jack) 3 oz Carne Asada Meat or Tofu (Extra Firm) Note*Put mayonnaise, mustard, meat/tofu, and cheese onto one side of the bread. Then pile high with the veggies. If the sandwich is too big, half it. This is a great choice for sharing with a friend or saving some for tomorrow! Chefs Note* Marinade thin slice carne asada/tofu for 45 minutes ...   read more

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I keep my shame hidden by covering it with food. It isn't fool proof method though, because I am ashamed of the cover too. more...

Last Activity: 17 y ago
48 Messages   Last message 18 y ago
21 Comments   Last comment 17 y ago

viewed 138,071 times
Created: 18 y   Aug 22 2005

Comments (10 of 21):
I like it! good po… Karli… 17 y
Excellent Self Int… YourE… 18 y
Re: Don't go away.… #5104… 18 y
Don't go away... S… spark… 18 y
Testing #51044 18 y
Oh Yes, you did th… 9thbo… 18 y
Re: Twice a Day Wo… #5104… 18 y
Twice a Day Workou… raine… 18 y
don't quit! :-) ren 18 y
Re: Well Lady, I a… #5104… 18 y
All Comments (21)

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