a bad time 13 y
that’s what i’ve been having lately. it’s probably partly due to PMS. every month i think i’m spiraling back downward, mentally, until the cramps begin, and i realize it was just PMS. but it is scary. it’s eerie how much PMS feels like the fall into depression. let’s hope it lets up again this month, like it usually does.
but things are not good right now, so there’s definitely reason to feel bad. my family is full of tension, and i am experiencing flare-ups of real hate towards various family members. i’m trying very hard to let that go. but i’m not really succeeding. m. is being awful ... read more
Good deeds... 13 y
...are completely contagious! It’s amazing how easily they become integrated into one’s life.
I mean, I feel like I am generally a pretty nice/friendly person in regular life. Yes, I can be mean sometimes, like anyone, but I am rarely anything but friendly and nice to strangers. I try not to be mean at all, and I think I succeed most of the time. If I am ever rude, it is to people that I am working with who have been extremely rude to me first (generally for an extended period of time). Not that it is excusable, but sometimes the frustration just builds and builds, and I kind of snap. I ... read more
ski season! 13 y
well, ski season is approaching, and i am totally psyched. even if we don’t have any stupid snow yet. i was really looking forward to spending thanksgiving on the slopes.
i just bought my third (and final!) pair of ski boots of the season. why so many pairs? because i am ridiculously stubborn, and after hours and hours of research, i found a pair online that i was certain would work for me. and they were a super, super good deal (85% off retail!). and i cannot pass up a good deal. when they didn’t fit, did i acquiesce and go to a bootfitter, which is what every single website says one ... read more
volunteering 13 y
i spent a nice evening looking through local volunteer opportunities online. yes, i’m procrastinating (i am loathing my work at the moment, and am just yearning for a real break--but when am i not loathing my work?), but at least i’m procrastinating in a fulfilling way.
there are so many neat programs! and the time commitments are so reasonable! it is a strange, and somewhat embarrassing thing, but i have never volunteered in my whole life. i’ve donated to many causes, but never actually given my time. last month, though, i signed up to volunteer at the local humane society, which is re ... read more
observations 13 y
as well as things are going in my life at the moment, i’m having a weird litany of minor health problems. we’re talking truly minor (well, aside for the anxiety, but anxiety and depression are more constants than new problems), but the list is a little disturbing, taken all at once. recently, i became somewhat convinced that i might have very early stage MS, just based on the sum of them. (my aunt has MS, so my risk factors are higher for it)
i have been:
a) having weird problems with my jaw for about four months now. i’ve never had problems with it before, and the problems are rarel ... read more
home again... 13 y
well, staying with my grandparents for such a long time was a rather incredible experience. i learned a lot and observed a lot. i know i am amazingly privileged to have had this opportunity to not only help them out, but to get to know them better. the two weeks had their ups and downs, for sure, but i am so glad i went.
i have been procrastinating horribly with work,however, as i am just totally worn out mentally. i had two clients who had work due back to them days ago, and i just am refusing to do it. i feel like i have nothing to myself, and that is the only protest i can make. i’ll ... read more
what i wouldn't do... 13 y
...for a full night’s sleep. if i can manage to make it through today and tomorrow, it will be a miracle. visit the page
... 13 y
oh my god, i am in waaaay over my head. my grandparents are doing ok (in terms of life and death), but both of them really need a lot more help than they are willing to accept. it is a total nightmare. i thought i’d be able to help, but the type of help they need is actually out of my reach to offer. the idea was for me to help them as they got back to their regular life, but the truth is, they were already stretched too thin before. now they are trying to return to a life that wasn’t quite working previously, but definintely is out of reach now. it is, understandably, extremely difficult ... read more
cranky 13 y
well, my household is very cranky at the moment. M. is sick, and neither of us are very pleasant when we are sick. actually, i’m probably a good deal worse than he is on this count, but since i’m feeling fine at the moment (physically, at least), it is a lot easier to notice what a pain he’s being. i think he’s being as supportive as he can be for me, given how bad he feels, but i just am getting a little tired of his constant griping. i’m functioning relatively well, considering, so i don’t need him to go out of his way to support me (at least not right now, while he’s ill), but i am goin ... read more
ugh, work 13 y
no, it’s not spiritual work i’m referring to. it’s good old fashioned pay the bills work.
i just have such a hard time concentrating on my work when things in my life are off-kilter. i should have finished today’s work by mid-afternoon at the latest, but it is pretty certain that i’ll be up until four tonight (if i’m lucky) completing it. i have a full schedule tomorrow as well.
i’m having an especially difficult time dealing with one of my customers. i find him outrageously demanding, and every time i decide to just acquiesce to one of his demands (with the thought that its just eas ... read more
impulses 13 y
there’s so much talk about the idea of ”impulse control.” usually it focuses on the idea that impulses should not be followed blindly.
i do think, however, that sometimes one comes to junctures in life in which certain impulses are crucial. lately i’ve been surprised to find myself sort of on auto-pilot away from the direction in which i was previously headed. i don’t necessarily think i’ve been consciously choosing my reactions and actions. and i mean this in the best possible way, because quite frankly, i feel that i have been guided by something.
i don’t see it as unempowering mys ... read more
deep south 13 y
i am going to go to alabama for a few weeks to help my grandparents for a while. i will probably be leaving on thursday, so i have a few days to get my things in order. i was thinking about going for 4-5 weeks (until after thanksgiving), but my mom is suggesting that i only go for two. she visits my grandparents 7-8 times a year, and she says she doesn’t think i will be able to handle much longer than two weeks, but that it will still be enough to be helpful.
now, my mom isn’t exactly famous for being right very often, but she emphasized that my grandmother’s sister is going to come out ... read more
... 13 y
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well, i just got an email from my mom that said that my grandmother had a heart attack on thursday. as it pretty obvious from the (very) late notice, it was very, very mild, and she is completely fine, but it is upsetting all the same.
i am very lucky as far as grandparents go. i have three sets of grandparents because i have a stepmother that is like a parent to me (i also have a stepfather, but i am not close to him at all, so i’ve never even met his parents). out of my six grandparents, five are still alive. i know i am so, so lucky to have them.
my dad’s dad died when i was fourt ... read more