We have to be thankful everyday... bleeding stubs and all? 17 mon
Emptying it all out, I pray this all is for a reason that is real.
Am I just getting the jist of life? That everyday I have to suit up, go out there in this world to meet every smiling face, and act out of every smiling face has a dagger behind its back? Including my own family? Seems to be that way as I reflect.
Not one surviving sibling came to my mother’s funeral. Out of 5 remaining from 8, only I was there. Only I managed, paid, saw to the details.
Yesterday I deleted their phone numbers from my mobile. I am protecting them and myself from any angry lashes I may feel justified to distribute.
Two of the four did come to the funeral of my ... read more
In The Moment, And It Really Sucks 17 mon
Broken. Healing one second at a time.
I was listening the Eckert Toller earlier today as I was organizing my room. He was saying that being in the moment, right now, is actually bliss. Excuse me? Uh, no. Not for me. In the moment for me? Alone. Broke. Broken.
Bliss, my ass.
A friend in Vegas last night tried to tear me a new one because I posted on Thursday that I wished on a falling star. I said that I felt like maybe I was getting a free wish from God.
Well, he hammered back that God doesn’t give out wishes and do I think God is Santa, and why do bad things happen to good people.
Veg ... read more
Drivel review? Rubbish removal? ADHD aftermath. Moving on. 18 mon
Incompetent, unstable, and frankly unpleasant. ADHD aftermath.
As the subject line read, ”The past is over, the door is closed.”
How to change myself, my decades of whining, my lack of caring about myself and others?
Sad, but true.
I just don’t ”feel” for others right now. Not at all. I believe that I gave my best and it wasn’t received... it was in the end, rejected.
So, now what?
Career, school, family, friends, even my relationship with me is now a pile of discarded collections of each day on the floor. Literally.
Magazines, clothes, books, newspapers, hangers, belts, pens, boxes. All. On. The. Bedroom. Floor.
... read more
22 hours. 18 mon
53 years, 150 miles an hour, screeching halt.
Almost there. The funeral begins in 22 hours and 12 minutes. I can and am doing this. xoxo visit the page
Funeral in 36 hours... 18 mon
Time - fluid, stagnant, a paradox.
How could I so effectively block out the pressure of so much to do and watch the clock tick away?
I am in charge of my mother’s funeral taking place in 36 hours.
There’s a table to be cleaned and quickly painted, the table cloth to be fitted, the photo to be printed, the frame to be located.
Food bought to serve to guests now needs to be prepared.
Bonfire for Saturday night planned.
Home-made newspaper kite supplies bought - needs to be cut and assembled into seven kites.
Black outfit and shoes need to be found and pressed.
Eulogy, I wrote at her time of death, t ... read more
It's coming too fast yet it is all perfect timing. 18 mon
Processing is not always a choice.
My past is coming up on me so fast. My childhood is processing with the blink of my eye. I was left with an untreated ear infection while during those months of that year my older sister was taken to Disneyland when I was 13 years old. How does that happen? Same parents. Two girls, 13 months apart. How does that happen? The pain of the contrast between my and my sister’s existence seems too big. Why am I feeling this now? Why? We had 1 burner of 4 that worked on our kitchen stove and my father owned a Porsche 914 as well at that time. Excuse me? What?
It is absurd the emotio ... read more
The turnaround is growing in momentum. 18 mon
Fast turnaround from the medieval, dank recesses of my mind.
In the shadows of my blog... I can pretend that I am protected, loved, the Universe’s favorite; that all I have to do is continue to try my best and somehow, someway I grow stronger and more loving - even after an emotional relapse into the darkest shadows of despair. No drama... ha! October 22, 2017: Day 1 of my new Extreme Change, 90 Day Raw Vegan Challenge. Sweet dreams to you. xoxo visit the page
Wow. Angry, much? 18 mon
When I was about to give up, an email appeared.
I apologize. I apologize for letting my anger and blame out as if doing so is completely acceptable. I am teaching myself that it is not. How did I get so far out? How did I become so completely engulfed in bitter resentment? When I gave my life my all and came back with empty hands, I guess. I am not the only one that this has happened to (Hello???) and I certainly will not be the last.
Now what. I am so grateful to have my blogs from 2010 to reread and relive. It is me from years past holding out a hand to me that lives in this moment. It is the parental guidance I never had ... read more
Thank goodness for this blog... 18 mon
bullying is truly human nature and justified by the masses
Thank goodness for this blog. I have found myself from seven years ago preserved for my discovery in a time when I have truly lost my inspiration, way, and light. I have lost my faith, my jobs and skills that I worked so hard to achieve. This blog has provided me with a window to my past self that I cannot find or even wished to put the energy into excavating. I lost hope, faith, and my belief in myself as well as God. I lost my belief in God, in AA, in this world that I live in.
I am tired. I am unhealthy. I am spent. I have been in school for 8 years and I am without a degree, ... read more
So, it's 2017... 18 mon
jaded, sad, and looking
So, it’s been 5 years since my last post. WTF. I cannot fathom the gentle soul I used to be. Today, I am battle-borne and road-rashed. What can I say?
I have lost my inspiration, damn near completely. I have not re-read any of my posts yet. I am looking forward to it. I am eager to meet myself, the one I used to be.
Marigolden visit the page
3 years ago today - this is what I said. 6 y
flashback to what it was like
do i want the piano
Date: 2/27/2010 7:18:31 PM ( 3 y ) ... viewed 644 times
Day 13 of positive affirmations. Can’t hurt.
This morning I was truly out of my own body. I cannot afford to let myself plow through. I am middle-aged, I’m not 23 anymore. I am working on my 7th day straight at work and the emotions are running. They have a life of their own if I let them.
Ex #2 emails me today. Wants to know if I want the piano. No, what I’d really like is to have an adult conversation about how the kids have been these past two years, how my elderly ex-mother-in-law is doing, ... read more
Resuming the resuming process. 6 y
never never never give up
I read my last blog from 7 months ago. I am so happy to say that I am still running. My weight has not changed and I believe that is due to muscle mass. My glutes are very, very happy and that seems to make a couple of others happy each day. It feels good to be almost 49 and ’hotter than 40 acres of burning stumps’ as a retired Vietnam vet fighter pilot has told me on more than one occasion. I’ve been praying for God to please make me a woman worthy of the man I would like to be with and for a man who actually sees me for who I am - not just a pair of glutes. He has brought that vet ... read more
resuming life 7 y
Okay, resuming my life from the blip of a physical and emotional breakdown of sorts. It came from being 450. short on my bills every month and it is still that way. What am I going to do? I don’t know. I don’t want to be depleted again. I will lose it all if I do.
So, I have to work 6 days a week no matter what at my job. I have to take two classes each semester. This coming semester that means 4 nights a week. Two of those nights I will get home by 7:30, thankfully. It is already looking like no change when I promised my bosses change. Do I drop school? Is that what I do? A ... read more
good vacation 7 y
I’ve been on vacation now for 8 official days. Phew. I feel human again. I am not angry all the time, I have hope for my future.
My bosses are asking for accountability and I am grateful. This feels like the final big door to walk through in sobriety and *hopefully* maintenance after that. I’d like to think I may be able to pass for normal soon.
I bought The Four Agreements. I will be reading that after Monday.
Taking magnesium and hitting the rack. visit the page
Edited 7 y
A portion of what I wrote yesterday:
”So, a day of rest and my head is almost back on my shoulders. What will I commit to tonight? It’s 5pm Eastern, 9pm bedtime. So - clean the kitchen, make the bed, take out the garbage, pick up the bathroom. Go for a 4 mile run dirt road run w/waterfalls, covered bridge, farm fields, and maple canopy over the road. Read just one chapter of Human Growth & Development. Then lights out.
I am going to run the mountain peak tomorrow morning. It’s 4 miles and there will be no cars to run me over.”
The word ’commit’ has my attention. I said I would ’c ... read more
39˝ miles run... 7 y
39˝ miles run...since my last entry. I remember just 3 years ago running 1 mile was something I could’nt wrap my head around. For 32 years I’ve tried to run on and off. It would hurt emotionally deeply when I tried. My mind, distractions, and illusions would own me. That’s how little control I’ve had over my mind. It owned me.
My son’s death has kicked my ass (or my mind) right through some of that. I had to learn to really live because it was and is truly all gone. No where to hide, so run miles.
I ran 8 miles last night. I left work early because I was clashing with my cow ... read more
Broken Head, Body's Fine 7 y
Ran 5˝ miles today. By mistake. Awesome. Ran Remembrance Run course this morning. Failed to take a turn and added 2 miles to my run. I ended up doing more than I thought I could and it felt really good.
Slept this afternoon. Have to do finances, dishes, practice piano and read a couple chapters of phlebotomy.
I really do have a good life I am creating. I am grateful to have the ability to seek and do new things. visit the page
3 miles today 7 y
Ran 3 miles this evening and pretty happy about it. I feel my torso growing longer and stronger. My posture is improving.
Why is it that I feel like I am forcing myself to live my life even when I do good things for myself? I feel like shit inside.
I feel like shit. Even after 3 miles. It’s not the running I feel shitty about. It’s my existance. I feel doomed in the big picture. And, I feel happy about the changes in my body in this moment.
Ignore the former, embrace the latter.
visit the page
two hour power walk/run, two frogs 7 y
So cool. Determined I was going to be out for two hours, I was out for two full hours on the trail. I ran the last mile or two. Saw beautiful purple flox lining the trail for a bit. The smell was purple. Gorgeous. Sweet. Light. Wispy. Heard critter jumping in the water. LOTS of mosquitoes. (Run, Forrest! Run!) Beautiful creeks, grass, hills, mountains, fields - oh, yeah - and staties running the roads looking for DUIs on the state highway that runs parallel to the rail trail at times.
On the way home I saw on two separate parts of the trail: two frogs! One was as big as my ... read more
Doing the deal. 7 y
I am doing the deal. Not as I imagined. Not as others may have imagined. Yet, somehow I am doing the deal.
I have been sober 3 years, 4 months, and 7 days.
I have completed a trade training and am gainfully employed with my state’s top hospital. I have held this position for 1 year, 5 months.
I have successfully completed my first semester in school toward achieving my RN degree with a 3.4 average.
I will begin my second semester tomorrow night.
I have been exercising regularly for 3 weeks and ran a new 4 mile course twice. (No small feat for a 3rd generation maniac.)
... read more
"On, on!!!" laughed the cars. (Thomas the Tank Engine.) 7 y
Yesterday after work I went for a 2 mile run, washed my kitchen floor on my hands and knees, took the junk I need to dispose of and put it in my truck, ate dinner, plucked my eyebrows and took old nail polish off of my nails.
When I got home from work I felt like I was dying inside. My entire being felt like a 50lb. bag of sand. I just wanted to lie there or take some kind of pill and sleep until this morning. Didn’t do that.
I ran instead. I was coming home from my run on Main St. and I stopped to chat with my neighbor. I got to hear how he’s doing in his life with his struggle ... read more
All but 3 from yesterday's list. 7 y
Previous Page, Page 11
So, yesterday I was - yet again - sooo depressed. My brain just does not make happy chemicals. I have to earn every moment’s peace. I accept that. I really do.
I did everything yesterday - including 9, yes nine, loads of laundry. I had my friend’s washer going for almost 10 hours. Today I dry it all at the laundermat. I am so grateful he allowed me to do laundry while he was out.
I did not start the AA inventory and I did not do the paperwork for the semester. That will be done tonight. I really have to get to bed so that I can be horizontal for at least 9 hours. I am sick o ... read more