Wow, what a story. No critizism here. Don't think you're nuts, crazy or anything else. It's tough.
That guy probably loved you but he sure didn't love himself.
The past lifetime things are intersting but not worth much. What I discovered with them is if I had some karmic debt to pay someone, if I looked back further on the track they had a karmic debt to me. It's an endless cycle. This lifetime I pay them, next lifetime they pay me. Kind of neutralizes the whole thing. Once I realized that the whole karma thing kind of dissappeared.
I haven't had the pain you've experienced. Probably because I had other things to think about after we broke up. Like war. Just surviving that was a monumental task. And it gives a perspective on life that is unique. One of the first things I can remember thinking when I got home was "What are all you people complaining about, don't you know how good you have it". That didn't come from my combat experience it came from seeing firsthand the third world.
Once out of the Army I went back to college and of course that's a very busy time. Once out of college I built my business which again is a very busy thing. Then I got sick, real sick. Liver cancer. Good ole Agent Orange and tropical parasites. Damn near killed me but I found out how to get rid of the poisons and parasites and got my health back. Took 25 years, 15 years just to find out what was wrong, no one had the answers. Thank you Dr. Clark. I made it.
Have been healthy for a while and now I'm stuck on this love thing. Too late. Can't get it back. Damn....
I think it's just our age. That shouldn't make a difference but it does. I enjoy what I do and I think the answer might lie in there somewhere. As I look back on it all it seems when I was in a good mood, getting things done, helping folks, flowing the love, I got alot accomplished. And it seemed so effortless at the time.
And now that things have slowed down a bit and I don't have all the necessaties anymore I get piss-off that I'm left out in the cold with the love thing. She has lived the life I was supposed to live but with someone else. I know she's not happy, I know she's frustrated but money and status are very hard to overcome. Entire nations have been won and lost over those things. So I don't expect her to overcome them.
So I have a choice. I can either live piss-off because I don't have it or accept the fact that I'll never have it this lifetime and get back in a good mood and carry on helping folks and spreading truth and love around. (that IS fun) I don't like being in a bad mood, everything is much more difficult then. But good things happen when I'm in a good mood so even though its too late for the love it's not too late to help a lot of people and spread the love around.
We're living in interesting times that do indeed try mens souls. I've got a lot of answers on a lot of different fronts so I can indeed help put this country back together when it comes time to do so.
So, in order to stay in a good mood - I quit. No more thinking about the love I once knew hoping it happens again. All that does is bring me down. And nothing good happens when you're down. I put her in the "Gentle on My Mind" catagory and when I need to think of something that makes me smile and gives me a little peace inside I'll remember her.