Thank you so much for your message, wombat. I so glad someone replied!! You are very right about many things, including my diet being a reflecting on distancing myself from my family. My family is all overweight (my mom's husband being quite obese), and it makes me even angrier to see him cook my mom this food that I know is killing her. And for her to eat it, even though I try to tell her the importance of healthy eating. She has a horrible memory, is paranoid, is constipated (she takes laxatives everyday), she has terrible eyesight and joint pain. I offered to cook healthy meals for her everyday, be her personal trainer and exercise with her.. anything. I'm so scared she's going to get diabetes or die. I rarely ever see her eat fruit or veggies, most of her meals are pre-made frozen ones. But she always acts like I'm criticizing her when I offer to help. I just want her to live and be healthy!!
But I never want to be like them, ever. I have this fear of being fat like them and unhealthy like them, which is part of my veganism (I also got really sick for a few years and my naturopath is helping me and part of her request was changing my diet), but my anorexia goes deeper. It started because my mom always used to praise me for being so thin.. everyone did. She used to call herself ugly and joke about having to wire her mouth shut. -- Fat is bad. Thin is good. Only thin is worthy. -- these were the message I got from this. Then puberty hit and I a lot of gained weight, and the compliments stopped. I thought I was ugly, I wasn't worthy - I hated myself. I would do ANYTHING to be thin again. So maybe she'd love me. She stopped spending time with me when I hit highschool... some days she wouldn't even come to talk to me. I got mad at her for it so she came less and less to talk.
I definitely have adopted the role of the "seer" - I refuse to ignore these problems. I won't let his comments go in one ear out the other. I won't ignore their dirty looks. If things aren't dealt with now then they'll only get bigger - which is what has happened. But they hate me for it because I won't play along and pretend. They get defensive instead of listening and dealing with the issues, so I retort, and a fight commences. I am definitely critical and self-demanding, I don't realise I am all the time but I KNOW I am. But I just feel like I'M being criticized too, they're always commenting on how I won't eat this or that and they talk about my food like it's strange and foreign. Like I'm a bad person for having it and not being like them. Like I'm a bad person for eating anything, basically, because I cost them money. I should just be invisible to them. Hence, being told not to show my face around here again. They don't want to see me ever again... ect.
I know the only person I can change is myself right now... and that's so hard, because I love helping people and it upsets me when people won't see. And it upsets me that my family has labeled me as a problem and as selfish and horrible because it makes them feel better about themselves. I feel so hurt and confused.. so I don't reach out and help people like I want to out of fear of rejection and being seen as a bad person. How do I change myself? They want me to conform. I can't do that. I just can't. The thought of it kills me. I can't be like them. Ever. I don't want their half-lives. I want a full life. I can't conform just to keep the peace.
I know you suggested "A few concrete suggestions on how to get along with people that you wouldn't necessarily CHOOSE to hang out with...Do something nice for them! Do a chore which is not normally your responsibility. Make a delicious salad or fruit smoothie to share...ask them how they feel, and REALLY listen to them talk.."
The problem with this is they don't eat fruit or vegetables or basically anything that seems healthy. Ever. I've tried that... I made my mom and sandwich with avocado and lettuce and carrots and whole wheat bread and stuff just because she'd been working hard all day and I wanted to help her... and she looked at it like it was an alien, took the top piece of bread off and refused to eat it because it had avocado on it and she'd never had avocado. I asked her to please take a bite, just try it, please... it would make me so happy. She refused and threw it out and went upstairs and shut her door. I felt so rejected. I said if she didn't like it after she took a bite I'd make her something else. She didn't want me.
I feel like I can't win. Everytime I do something... I just get it thrown back in my face with some snide remark about how messy I am or how I eat or my weight or how I'm "lazy".
And now, I don't have a place to live. They've kicked me out. To live with my abusive dad. I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm tired. I don't know what to do about school and how to get there. I know it's the most important thing... but I have no way of getting there. And my mom is refusing to give me money. My dad is a cheapskate and will never give me money. He's already told me he can't and won't. I'll starve anyway. I feel like what's the point of going on? I haven't had a break for the past 10 years. Since I was a kid. And even before then it was hard because my mom made me lie about her and my dad being divorced. It would be bad for her image, apparently. I didn't have many friends - how could I talk to them about my life? All I could do was lie and hide.
I'm homeless, now basically. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared.