Sorry for not responding, Iíve been busy studying for exams. >:O I donít mind your long note at all (mine's worse)! You have brought some very important questions to my attention that I really havenít asked myself yet.
Thank you for your commendation on my leaving my ex, it really means a lot. Those few sentences pretty much summed up our entire relationship. Though short, there is a lot of hurt behind those words-I didnít think theyíd be so powerful.
As Iíve stated before, I told myself I donít want to get into another relationship until I figure out what I want out of life. Mostly because after coming out of my last relationship, I feel like my life has just started. No matter how stupid I tell myself I was for being with him, I know that I haved matured a lot from it. I just consider myself very lucky for being able to move on with my life. Right now, I just want to enjoy my life and continue to learn. The last thing I want to do is jump into another relationship.
Maybe I should explain what I meant by letting the other person grow. Sometimes in a relationship, we may hold the other person back to protect our own insecurities. I know that I am overprotective, very jealous, and want constant attention. I donít like that I have these qualities, but I try my best to work on them. With my ex, he was extremely untrusting and insecure. He wouldnít allow me to talk to any of my guy friends from high school and would constantly search through my phone for #s (after 3 yrs of being blown off, my best friend never gave up on me LOL). I took a vacation to visit my sis in FL, and instead of wishing me a good time, he called every hour to ďcheck up on meĒ and make me upset. He liked to control me by keeping me on the phone for hours at a time.
What is it that I want to do, that I canít do with him? You were pretty accurate about this, which would be settling down somewhat permanently and moving to another place in the world. I think now you might understand why the idea of being in a commited relationship doesnít appeal to me right now. It is because I feel like Iíve missed out on a lot from being in my last relationship, and I donít want anything to get in the way of what I want again. I havenít really thought about it until now, but I guess being in a relationship (a healthy one) doesnít necessarily have to hold me back. It might make my life a little less stressful though. Lately, Iíve been thinking about moving to another country (school and family) and who knows where my life could go from there. I guess if it was meant to be, and our love is strong enough, we might find each other in the end (heís told me heíd wait 60 yrs if he had to). Iím not really interested in seeing other guys, but if I like someone, why not? Iím not going to be young forever. And when I say this I donít mean I want to sleep with as many guys as I want before I settle down. I truly believe in the Catholic faith, and although Iím nowhere near perfect or a virgin or anything, I donít want to give myself up to guys that arenít going to stick around, or my friend, even though I my feelings towards him keep growing stronger. The same goes for my friend-weíre both still young and I want him to live his life to the fullest. He can still love me and be my friend, but that doesnít mean he should stop searching.
I hope I donít sound like Iím being insensitive towards his feelings. Iíve been head over heels in love before, so I know exactly how he feels. Iím trying my hardest to hold back all my feelings for him and keep it on a ďfriend-lyĒ level because I really am falling in love with him. Itís just too soon for me and I have the rest of my life to love him.
Because there are so many emotions involved, I canít sleep with him. I canít and I wonít LOL! Now that Iíve gotten intimate with him, he wants it and heís not going to stop trying. If he really cares for me heíll respect my feelings towards sex, but Iím just trying to be realistic here. Any guy that waits like over a year to sleep with a girl will go out of their mind. Iím not going to pretend like I donít have any sexual needs either. Especially since Iíve been treating my body better and focusing on my health, my libido has gone through the roof-so not sleeping w/him is going to be hard, but Iím making sure that things arenít moving too fast between us.
ďBut if youíre not honest with yourself about where youíre at-then he canít see as much of who you are as he might, because youíre not allowing yourself to see it either.Ē
I havenít really asked if Iím being honest with myself, or with him. Now that I think about it, Iím not being as honest with him as I should be. I tell myself I donít want to be in a relationship, but yet if I was really serious about this then I wouldnít have made a move on him in the first place-I simply wouldnít have let it happen now matter how much he wanted it. And yes, I am getting something out of this. After all, they donít call it ďfriends with benefitsĒ for nothing. So do I honestly NOT want to be in a relationship? I guess I do more than I think. Itís not fair to only show him affection SOME of the time, when he wants to give me love and affection ALL of the time. My next step then, would be to make sure he knows exactly how I feel. If heís okay with not being my boyfriend but still be able to kiss me on occasion, then Iím fine with that, but itís not as easy as it sounds. Iím afraid he might become ďattachedĒ and then this may drive me away for good. I think that if I want to keep my best friend, the best way is to be honest with him and myself, Ďcause he might end up being my husband one day.
I think itís beautiful that your husband has stuck by you, that is what a true marriage is about: ďto have and to hold, in sickness and in health.Ē Even if itís not perfect and he drinks beer and you have ďweird guestsĒ (J/K) these differences are insignificant compared to the love and support you have for one another. Congrats to you on making it your victory to stick with your husband-it helps me to not worry so much on knowing exactly who (LOL) and what I want before I get married.
I hope that your health continues to improve (I think with the help on curezone, it may be possible, although Iím not sure of your condition).
P.S.- I noticed you edited your post. The quote I included was from the original :).