Thank you for all your words.
The reason I started with the meds has nothing to do with this client. I have been dealing w/ things for some time now. This was just the catalyst to get me into the dr. office. W/ just one day, I felt so much more in control. Yes, I still feel for my clients, but this way, I was more connected with them, able to hear them better, not being distracted, mind wandering, etc. On day 2, I got more things done in the morning than I normally get done in a full day.
I have been in talk therapy before, dealing with the issues that were tearing me up, causing me immense pain. The issues are pretty much resolved, just every now and then, the images and memories pop up, trying to gain new life.
But for the last few years, I've been struggling with being overwhelmed with work, school, life. Dealing with this girl brought it all to a head. She was able to bring out emotions / feelings that I assumed were under control. Then again, what she endured is worse than bad fiction. That SVU TV show wouldn't even write it because it is too unbelievable.
She knows many things about me, in the course of our working together, nothing too deep, nothing that would cross ethical lines, but enough where trust has been established. It is just that the depth of her attack and trauma, she is closed off to everyone and everything. I still don't know what happened at the hospital, but she hates counselors due to something that happened with the rape crisis counslor. Yet she will talk with me. She will only give me brief descriptions, small amounts of detail, then shut down. She frequently misses appts. Sometimes, she comes in and sits quietly....the silence doesn't bother her, which is unusual. Sometimes, she comes in, sits...and falls asleep. That lets me know I am trusted. So that is why I am grappling with the thought of letting her know I was attacked, no detail, just to let her know I can understand or relate to her fears. That I know about the nightmares, fear when alone, fear of strangers, noises at night.
My previous therapist revealed her attack, not in any detail, but where I felt safe, not like I was being watched and studied. The little things, hearing a sound, a smell..something that reminded me of him..just those little things only a surviver can truly and deeply understand.