WHO wants to be sick? At the very least, an illness is an inconvenience and an expense. You not only feel bad, but when you are sick, you may not be able to go to work or school, earn any money, or look after your family. You may even need someone to look after you, and you may have to pay for expensive medicines and treatment.
Well has it been said that “Prevention is better than cure.” Some illnesses cannot be avoided. Still, there is much you can do to slow down or even prevent the onset of illness. Consider five things that you can do today to get on the road to better health.
1 PRACTICE GOOD HYGIENE
Items used for good physical and dental hygiene
According to the Mayo Clinic, “one of the best ways to avoid getting sick and spreading illness” is to wash your hands. One of the easiest ways to catch a cold or influenza is to rub your nose or your eyes when your hands have been contaminated by germs. Your best defense against such contamination is to wash your hands regularly. Good hygiene can also prevent the spread of more serious conditions, such as pneumonia and diarrheal diseases, which every year cause the death of over two million children under the age of five. Even the spread of deadly Ebola can be minimized by the simple habit of washing hands.
There are certain times when hand washing is particularly important to protect your own health and that of others. You should wash your hands:
After using the toilet.
After changing diapers or helping a child to use the toilet.
Before and after treating a wound or a cut.
Before and after being with someone who is sick.
Before preparing, serving, or eating food.
After sneezing, coughing, or blowing your nose.
After touching an animal or animal waste.
After handling garbage.
And do not take it for granted that you are cleaning your hands properly. Studies have shown that a large percentage of those who use public toilets do not wash their hands afterward or do not wash them correctly. How should you wash your hands?
Wet your hands in clean running water and apply soap.
Rub your hands together to make a lather, not forgetting to clean your nails, your thumbs, the backs of your hands, and between your fingers.
Keep rubbing for at least 20 seconds.
Rinse in clean running water.
Dry with a clean cloth or a paper towel.
Such measures are simple but can avert illness and save lives.
Colloidal Silver along with hemp oil are on my list for the next detox supplements I'm getting.
Also hygiene is certainly good but our ancestors never washed their hands or anything and we evolved from their strong immune system developed from that.
I am not saying don't wash hands after using the restroom, especially if in food service to avoid contaminating yourself or others, but I think once in awhile skipping a shower or not washing hands is not as bad as was once thought.
This is of course after strengthening ones immune system with detox supplements like Iodine, silver, and the many others out there that have been used for many years by our ancestors.
I am a recovering codependent, a pretty serious codependent. What does one do when one realizes that they truly married a passive aggressive narcissist more than halfway through their life with no way just yet to support themselves and that you probably don't love this person anymore (if you ever really did)? I feel like a ton of bricks came crashing down on me.
Madsheila, I'm sorry that you're discovering this at this point of your life. But, this is what typically happens when people get to a specific point and finally begin doing some self-examination.
If you're unhappy in your marriage, it may be an option to speak to someone that could provide some objective insight.
Been there, did it, got out, lost everything, gained everything that's important, and I'm firmly on my Healing Path.
If fear is a great presence in decision-making, it is 100% rooted in the codependency and probably requires the help of a mature, trained, and licensed professional. Childhood traumas and family dysfunction are typically what cause codependency, in the first place. Those subjects are very challenging to confront and manage.
Good morning Mase,
I recommend always to have the option for staying in at least for the second part of a fast. I have done it both ways, though when I did not have the possibility to not work. I stayed in for the last days of my long fasts, since muscle cramps don't allow me to even sit for more than 2 hours - imagine me telling "I can only work today on the couch in a lying position" LOL
I tolerated much better walking with pauses, than sitting; but not so much walking up stairs - my heart would race like in a sprint. Everyone is different, though, and you may very well be able to work all these 30+ days. A word of caution: prepare your superiors that you may need to take few days or week/s working at home, for example.
You don't need to tell about the fast at work, since you can have the whole spectrum of ppl's reaction: from disbelief, through patronizing, ridicule, well-intention-ed sabotage to hate even! Oh, My, if I only start telling you, ... this is why this forum is so precious! If someone notices your weight loss, you can tell you have now a good nutritionist and you are following strictly his program.
There was points in my fasts when I would totally not be interested inn food - like I was at family diner table and I just enjoyed seeing them and exchanging , while they ate and I had a cup of warm water. There were of course concerned and inquired whether I would join the feasting, to which I was very convinced I am not interested, so usually ppl understand the vibe of not being into eating.
My mom is different though, for a complex of reasons she is uncomfortable with her or anyone else fasting and takes it as a huge deprivation and derangement and would willingly or unwillingly sabotage or nag "will you eat today?", people! .....
Good work so far, keep it up!
DesertLili, thank you so much for your response. It's a very busy time at the office right now and all the software developers are needed. I'm more than a 100% sure they won't give me time off even if I request it. Workload is crazy. I'm worried my metabolism has been shut down . Haven't lost a pound two times.
no. it did not shut, since you are alive Lol. Seriously! You can basically wrap it up if your work suffers and keep in mind it is only one of numerous fasts. Or you can try to go until the end, if your body allows.
You are now exchanging the hardened waste for water weight and more functional tissues. I'd recommend colon cleanses, to move stuff out, if you did not eliminate much so far, even more so, since the diet you had makes people retain waste in their intestines on a high scale ... which makes one of the components of a larger waistline.
I need to confess. I've never seen myself as a lesbian, but I committed lesbian sexual acts with a close friend at times for a couple of years, and since I'm an active Christian, this fact has been a huge burden in my heart. My family and several other people have suspected something "different" going on, and this friend and I have seriously decided to repent from the sin of homosexuality. I really don't want to start another debate on this topic, I simply personally believe that homosexuality (in my case, lesbianism) is a sin as it's not what God created us to be. I just need to confess to fellow Christians, receive His grace of forgiveness through them, and listen to helpful biblical advice. Thank you.
Bless, you are heard and loved, both by this fellow christian and our Father and creator <3
I have struggled with sexual sin too-
I have found in my walk with the Holy Spirit that what He desires is a will to turn away from the sin (180 degrees) and a contrite heart..
After those moments (sometimes it is tears in prayer) there is comfort and complete guidance.
May you ever grow nearer to the pure love and intimacy that is our Father, the person of Jesus our king, and the gentle power and guide (and sometimes mothering, correcting and persistant person!) of the Holy Spirit.
I am a young 24 year old financially independent woman but I fear that I might be codependent when it comes to emotions. I always go for relationships with people who need me but in the end I really need them to help me remain sane. I have friends who depend on me for everything and I help them because it gives me a sense of importance. I stay in relationships long after they have become painful only because I need the relationship to stay happy even when I'm really miserable. Right now I have to end a relationship and I don't know how to do it because I fear being alone. In my current relationship I have spent a large sum of money on my partner of less than a year. Things are going wrong but I still try to keep the relationship going. I just need some help in coping with this and becoming completely independent.
I know your pain and I am dealing with similar patterns in my life. To break the pattern, I would say what is helping me at this time is just awareness and a lot of reading (The New Codependency by Melody Beattie etc).
Here are some key points that I try and remember:
You are only responsible for you...let others take care of themselves.
You have a right to your feelings...I am always trying to be the 'nice guy', but when you think about it, being the 'good guy' all the time is essentially lying and untruthful and it just creates inner turmoil in your heart.
Be present...next time someone asks you to do something really FEEL what you're feeling...take a moment if you have to. Just tell yourself the truth. You have a right to say NO. It's hard at first, but it's like a muscle...the more you use it, the stronger you will become.
Be clear in your communication...I find that I am vague and confusing to others because I am afraid of how they will react to my reaction. I know now that you can't control anyone...just let life flow...there is so much peace in surrender.
Set boundaries...decide what you can tolerate and what you can't...people will respect you more and I once read that in a relationship, the other partner actually feels SAFER when you do.
Essentially, it's all about having a strong sense of self. I have a mantra I say to myself: non-attachment, non-resistance, present moment living, awareness
I was in a bad relationship for a while where I had no security and I was desperate to hang onto it, but I realize now a few things: The more obsessive and desperate one becomes, you lose your self-esteem, you lose yourself.
It's an old cliché but if you set someone free, they'll love you more. People can sense desperation and fear.
Try and find a way to tap into yourself every day, whether it be meditation and breath awareness, yoga, exercise etc.
Hang in there...you have the courage to see it through...it's hard to look at the truth sometimes but think of this: are you doing your partner or YOU any favours by staying in an unhappy relationship? As a good friend once said to me, 'You can bail out a sinking boat forever to keep it afloat, but is it worth the work?' The boat should be able to at least float on it's own.
Take care and just pay attention to YOU. You have a right to be happy and you have a voice to be heard!
You somewhat remind me of myself. I was also independent when I was your age. It is tough when others rely on you for emotional or financial support. It seems to me that you feel a sense of guilt if you say "no" and I think you seek emotional support from others too. In a way, you are all in need of each other. However, there comes a point where it is going too far. Both people should benefit from a relationship and it seems that you aren't. This is when you need to remove yourself from the person. If they don't value you and appreciate you, then this is unhealthy for you and is affecting your happiness.
At the end of the day, your happiness is the most important because if you aren't happy then you can't make others sincerely happy. You need to think of yourself and do what makes you happy. As suggested, yoga is so good for self reflection and inner healing. Your are an independent woman and I bet you take pride in that and you should! You must love yourself more than anyone else because your emotions has to be strong. If you are not confident in yourself or emotions then you will not find the right person for you. Once you seek inner happiness and confident then you will attract the type of people that are similar to you. People that will not take advantage of you and appreciate who you are, because you do that for yourself. True happiness comes from within and the good things will follow.
I need help, dont know where to start with my situation. I met my "husband" 7 years ago. fell in love in a matter of weeks, dated for about a month...then he broke up with me.. 4 years later we met up again, i became truly obssessed, i had never stopted loving him. we gon engaged he was 21 i was 19. We were sup to be married in june of 08 since in december i found out i was pregnant we eloped to vegas and married there. life was amazing til a couple of months after the wedding. He started acting weird, he stopted working.. he wouldnt do anything for me but asked for money. I started doubting him , he started watching porn at all times, and using drugs.. no hard core drugs ...i thought for a while. we moved in with his mom due to me having to stop working for my very unheakthy pregnancy.. things got even worse. he would never go to bed with me and his friends were always first. when we finally moved out on our own i was 8 months pregnant, i was watching tv.. he was as sleep he received a text msg... from a girl saying hey baby... i woke him up screaming he went crazy and hit me a couple of times pushed me on the floor and much more. i forgave him and trusted that it ended there. my daughter was born and everyday he would become more abusive , and extremely weird lying about being at work money would dissapear...just all lies. the day before my daughter turned 1 month old he was put in rehab by his mother. He is a cocaine addict. during rehab i went to counseling everyday with him, i helped him thru it all and took care of my daugter everyday by myself. a month later he was out. things were good for about a month... then i found out he cheating on me while in rehab.. with a drug addict as well. we moved into a better neighborhood... started new... so i thought til i found out he had been seeing the girl from rehab again... i was disrespected by this girl thru text msgs.. "no wonder he sleeps with me ur just a dumb bitch". I forgave him again.I got back to work.. things were getting better. then the porn addiction started again. He started abusing me again. we separated for about a month. until i finally came back home. things were great, we were happy in love and just workng on our relationship again.i fouund out we were pregnant...never been happier... Once again money started dissapearing. so i started checking bank accounts and voicemails. So finally... on a day he was sup to be at work he received a voicemail from a girl... hey baby so and so... just come over my phone doesnt work.... this time he wasnt so sorry... he sup was gona change and get help. i left in december... its now march... he came back to me a couple of times telling me he was gonna get help... cryin saying he loved me that he didnt wanna hurt me anymore. yesterday i found out he got her pregnant. she had an abortion. ( during this entire time i been goin thru counseling thinkin it was mostly my fault that i had pushed him away so much that he ended up doing this..) today i get a phonecall from him...and her in the back, he treaten to kill me, she sup wants to beat me up... almost like highschool days again. couple of hours later i received an email from her. saying they been together for 7 months they love each other , that we been divorced and i need to change my last name..and that i am a bad mother for not lettin him see my daughter.( i have tried day and night for him to be there for her... he hasnt seen her in months and has never gave me a penny for her.) and saying a bunch of bs pretty much but just very hurtful. so i called him went off on him... he went off on me... how this is my fault. this is where i need help. I cant live another day like this, im extremely suicidal, i am hurt i feel like he keeps stabbing me in the heart over and over... i told him i want a divorce... but i still wish he would check himself in rehab that he would be seen at a mental health institute and that he would come back to me... (why do i feel this way?) theres so many more things he has done to me... and i still love this guy. where do i start? what do i do? I have a 19 month old and im 5 months pregnant. i dont wanna do this on my own. i need serious help. can someone please tell me where to start...
You find out if there are meetings where you live and you start going.
It makes me extremely sad that you decided to bring children into the world while being involved with him. I weep for your child and unborn baby. You need to know this --- those kids come first. You do what you have to do to protect them and insure they have the best life possible. How do you do that? For starters, you file for divorce and make sure you have full custody of both kids. You also make sure that he has supervised visits with them. So...first thing tomorrow, you find a lawyer and get started.
You ask why you stay with him. I'm guessing it all boils down to poor self-esteem and low self-confidence. The first time he hit you---and he hit you when you were pregnant!---do you realize he could have harmed your baby???? You should have called the police and had him arrested. Then you should have gotten a restraining order out on him. But hindsight is 20/20 vision. It's not too late to get away from him.
Continue with your counseling. Whenever you are tempted to go back to him, and I'm going to shout this to you ---THINK ABOUT YOUR KIDS---THEIR WELL BEING IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE!
If you haven't already, get some reliable birth control and start using it after you give birth. You don't need to bring anymore children into this world --- at least not now!
I couldn't have said it better! Bravo for an honest post. And the codependent CODA are free. So is alanon which is an excellent treatment. That's so true YOU MUST PUT YOUR CHILDREN FIRST,and the best way to do that is getting help for you. The healthier you become you will get out fir good. Never loose hope
Open the Bible and start reading the NEW TESTAMENT. You will find God's unconditional LOVE for you and supernatural help from HIM. I went through this 20 years ago. Abuse is always the same, it never changes. Actions are the same, words are the same, patterns are the same. They CAN'T change. You must understand this and reach out to the only One who can really help you. God has a purpose for your life. Abuse has no place in it. His purpose is first and foremost for you to know the depth of His love for you. Just get to know Him. Something supernatural happens when we read His Word. It becomes alive to us. His Spirit speaks to us through it. If you have never given your heart to him its simple. You just talk to him and accept His UNCONDITIONAL love for you. Your relationship with Him, His love for you and His blessings toward you will never be dependent upon your actions. Its always UNCONDITIONAL. Never forget that. He will NEVER leave you or forsake you. This is a promise and God can never break His Word. He will take care of you and your children.
Sweetheart I feel for you. I have been there myself but I only had 1 child. I agree fully with the advice given above. You need counseling and self respect. Also the Psalms in the Bible are very helpful. God Bless You and keep you!
As a survivor, I would urge you to get into contact with your family members. Tell them everything, even if the truth doesn't make you look like Mother Teresa. Take ownership of your choices and decisions, and reach out. That would be your choices and decisions, NOT his. You cannot fix what's wrong with him. You cannot wish him into better mental health or productivity. The only thing that you have any control over is your own choices, actions, and decisions. And, your child(ren) require you to take proactive steps to protect them and yourself.
Abusive relationships never, ever, EVER get better. You have many options available to you through Social Services and outreach programs. You have a choice. Your children do not. Seek an order of protection or restraining order, ASAP. Contact your local "Legal Aid" office for representation to prevent this jackass from causing any more harm to your and your child(ren). Take advantage of every resource available to you, take your life (and those of your children) into your hands, and make the necessary changes for yourself so that you won't feel compelled to "need" a man and choose one that's a louse. You deserve better, and your child(ren) certainly don't deserve to live in such a negative environment. Social Services can put you into contact with excellent counseling services that are FREE of charge to you. You just have to take the steps to save yourself and your children. Nobody else can take those steps for you, my dear.
Good luck to you and take the necessary steps to help yourself and your children.
I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through. You have endured so much,hoping your husband would change. You said you went to counseling, thinking this is all your fault. I am so glad you have now realized it is NOT your fault, it never was. This was NOT about you, it was all about him. I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I have felt the same pain. It helps to know we are not alone and that you made the right decision when you left him. It also helps to read about the experiences of others, how they handled a difficult situation like this, what kinds of solutions they tried, which ones worked and which ones did not work. This is a page where people who have been going through the same pain can send their stories, it might help you to deal with the loss better if you take a look at some of their experiences:
NO CONTACT is the first rule of recovery from toxic relationships. Especially in cases of sociopathic behaviors and abuse, the source targets (or, victims) feel the need to make the toxic person hear and understand what they've experienced. The harsh truth is that the spath doesn't care, didn't care, and never will "care." They don't. And, they won't. So, trying to "fix" things or educate the spath about what they've done is a waste of time and keeps the victims connected to the toxicity.
Going "No Contact" is difficult, but necessary. What does "NC" mean? It means cutting off all means of communication with the toxic person, 100%, and without fail. NC means:
Blocking cell numbers
Blocking text messages
Blocking social network profiles
Not responding to calls, letters, texts, emails, or any other direct attempt to communicate, even if the message simply says, "Hi"
Not allowing Third Party contact via friends, family, coworkers, etc. - no discussion about him/her is allowed
Not allowing one's self to be drawn into defending or explaining their situation - no discussion allowed
Social networks are the rage, along with technological communications. These media can be horrible sources of trauma, harassment, and damage to victims of sociopathic, abusive, or narcissistic involvements. Checking up on the spath's profile status is a HUGE mistake - "knowing" what he/she is "doing" isn't going to change the past, help us in the present, or secure a healthy and healing future.
Please, read the following link for more information on going No Contact and avoiding social network media when recovering from a toxic relationship (partner, parent, sibling, friend, coworker, ANYone):
The benefit and purpose of "No Contact" is to put and end to the madness and to take back control of our own lives, thoughts, feelings, and actions. Technological "contact" with the toxic person is a self-inflicted injury when we choose to view their online social profiles and posts after we have discovered that the person in question has deliberately caused harm. Certainly, the toxic individual isn't going to post anything truthful, and playing out the aspects of one's life through technological means is causing human beings to literally lose their ability to communicate, effectively, even in the best of circumstances.
Think about this: how many times have the hundreds of "friends" posted anything personal and uplifting to your personal profile page? Seriously....nobody really cares whether or not you've just had delicious coffee or struck a moose in your vehicle on the way to work. They really don't. So, why would anyone care about the collapse of a toxic romantic or platonic relationship?
Maintaining "No Contact" is sort of like cutting a lure from a fishing line. Contact is the only way that a toxic person can maintain their control and continue to inflict damages. Teenaged bullies conduct online harassment through social media simply because they can. Adult stalkers are able to use technological means to track and terrify their targets because they can. Predatory individuals can bait, lure, and ensnare unwitting victims through technological dialogue because they can. In "Real Life," the majority of these toxic people wouldn't ever be able to perpetrate their machinations. Online Life allows for a whole new brand of toxic interactions that haven't even been identified by the psychological community, yet.
"But, Soulful, the toxic person is a family member! They're family, and I need them!" No, we do not, under any circumstances, "need" anyone in our lives who deliberately, intentionally, and maliciously cause us emotional or physical harm. We don't "need" their approval, acceptance, or validation. "Family" is not precluded by shared DNA. "Family" are those people that surround us who are positive, encouraging, honest, and truthful. "Family" are people who respect our boundaries and do not maintain an agenda to harm.
"But, Soulful, I have children with the toxic person and the Court requires us to work together for the sakes of the children. How do I maintain NC if I have to share custody with this person?" Unfortunately, Family Courts are not concerned about anyone's best interests, and that included the best interests of children. A child does not require both parents to develop into healthy, productive adults if one of those parents is toxic and abusive. The Courts do not acknowledge this fact, sadly, and the only way to "co-parent" with a sociopath or abusive ex is to keep any and all communications as boring and superficial as humanly possible. Telling the toxic ex about the child's illness or needs (emotional, or otherwise) is a waste of oxygen, because the toxic parent does not care, never did care, and never will care. Keeping communications to a bare minimum and as superficial as possible prevents the toxic parent from acquiring information that they could use to inflict more harm.. "No Contact" must be practiced with these children, as well - no discussion of what their mother or father has done! Do not include the children in adult issues that they are not developed or mature enough to process. Disallow - firmly, and consistently - any "messenger services" that the toxic person may employ the children to communicate. Disallow it. YOU are the parent, and YOU set the boundaries.
If you're having a hard time severing a toxic relationship, it would be a very wise choice to seek counseling therapy with someone that "gets it." Human beings are equipped to manage a host of tragedies and catastrophes: sudden and unexpected passing of a loved one; natural disaster; random acts of violence by strangers. Yes, all of these events can cause extreme anxiety, but we can point at the event and say, "See this? This is why I'm experiencing PSTD symptoms." Damages inflicted by toxic people are a completely different matter. These damages have been inflicted by someone that we trusted and loved, whether this person was a spouse, domestic partner, parent, sibling, coworker, friend, clergy member, etc. This type of damage causes extreme personal issues that we are simply not equipped to manage.
NO CONTACT is the first and most powerful step in recovering from a toxic relationship.
I, too had to cut off my ties to individuals that are emotionally toxic and they have no boundaries at all.
Some are so detrimental to my health that I found myself in bed and could hardly scrape myself off the floor for years.
The best thing I did was stand up to them, call them on it, denial of course and until I forced them to own it.
Then there are others as you say a waste of oxygen, they can be so draining if allowed to continue their abusive ways.
When it is family members this is the toughest of all.
I had to block many phone numbers recently and the holidays coming up always makes me extremely ill,for even just once a year is even too much anymore as well.
I no longer look through rose colored glasses, I am no longer that happy go lucky person that loved life and people.
I have been destroyed. I no longer trust.
The more I resist the worse they get.
I am so tired of being married to a pathological liar and my step children are the meanest people I have ever encountered.
We will never know anyone well enough especialy when they are a master at lying and deceit. Regardless if I say..I find that hard to believe, or the hiding of money or spending gambling..whatnot.
I know I must get out to keep my sanity.
But the problem will bw worse..for I cannot protect my children, no they are not physically abused and there is finacial support..but when they are sick, he turns a deaf ear.
This is my biggest problem recently. Why do I have to turn to manipulation to get the real help when I need it.
I despise manipulation, but it is the only thing that works unfortuantely around here. I watch the others, his adult children do this..they take and they take and refuse to be responsible at all. Bloody Parasitic behaviour. but when you have 2 small children at home one would think they come first! Not the case at all, we do without, we are even afraid to ask for anything.
I'm reading that you're unhappy in your marriage and that you have two children with your husband. I understand the fear of severing a marriage when children are invovled. But, I can tell you one truth that is ugly: your children are learning how to be victims or predators, themselves, by watching and absorbing the dynamics of this "family."
Why are you resorting to manipulations to get simple needs met? Manipulations are toxic no matter who's having to resort to employing them, and for whatever circumstances. And, your children are learning this behavior, as well - to manipulate to get needs met.
With all due respect, remaining in an abusive, toxic relationship "because of the children" is an excuse, not a reason. Many, many people out there raise their children on their own, with no support from the DNA donor, and do a good job. I used to be under the horribly mistaken belief that a child "needs" both of its parents in order to develop into a healthy, productive, successful adult. Well, this is simply not true, especially when one parent is abusive and fits the profile of a sociopath.
If you are unhappy, do something about it, or not. But, don't use your children as an excuse to remain in a situation that is going to ruin their chances at being successful adults because of fear of being alone, etc. You see, in the World of Abuse and Sociopaths, children (as are all other human beings) are completely expendable. They can be replaced. They are nothing more than tools and objects. They are unimportant unless they can be used as leverage or manipulations. Never let yourself believe that your children aren't only suffering because basic needs aren't being met - they are also being formed, molded, and shaped into victims or abusers, themselves. And, they are watching you and your spouse. They are absorbing the behaviors and dynamics, and they will develop their own core issues that either cause them to make very, very poor choices throughout their lifetimes, or they will have their empathy and humanity destroyed and develop into abusive sociopaths, themselves.
For more information on abuse and sociopathy, visit:
How is it that empathetic human beings can be so easily manipulated by NPD’s or sociopaths? Chances are, we’ve all run up against someone that, in hindsight, gave us plenty of indications with regard to their true intents. ... ... The current culture climate is cultivating (love that aliteration?) a societal explosion of NPD and sociopaths/psychopaths that use and abuse empathetic human beings like snot rags and leave a wake of emotional, financial, spiritual, and sexual devastation behind them. Innovative research suggests that NPD and socipath/psychopath individuals a ...
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Some points are good but the guide also looks like a way to spend the rest of your life alone and unhappy.
Eye contact is not a "predatory stare of domination" and construing all eye contact that way is just sad. Sometimes people genuinely like each other and it's affectionate. It may be a stare of admiration but they are too nervous to act.
Being scared of someone putting their hand on your shoulder just makes you a headcase and physical contact with other humans eg. hugging is vital for personal happiness and feeling loved and connected to others.
Stuff like "someone who talks about finances unecessarily" is usually a sign of insecurity, and if someone followed your guide they are likely pretty insecure themselves.
If you want to live in a prison where everyone is a sexual predator, that's a choice. You'll live in a self-created prison.
I've chosen to delete my original response and replace it with the following:
The predatory stare is not the same thing as normal eye-to-eye contact, and has been documented through extensive research.
Excessive touching, especially by individuals who are not on intimate terms, is not the same thing as normal human interactions. "Intimate" does not mean "sexual," either.
Excessive interest in disclosure of personal finances and fishing for information about source target finances has also been documented through extensive research.
Finally, not all socipaths or NPD individuals are sexual predators, though research has demonstrated that sex is one of the easiest vectors for the NPD or S to use.
I never suggested that anyone live in an emotional prison, nor that anyone should be "scared" to interact with fellow human beings. What I did suggest was maintaining sensible boundaries and how to avoid being manipulated. Hopefully, your feeling that the original post was "obsessive" means that you have not yet been exposed to a NPD or S and that you are one of the few who are truly blessed. If that is the case, it is my hope that you will never experience what tens of millions of others have.
Excellent post. Thanks for this. I will take the advise next time I run into someone like my old boss. You know, I saw some of the red flags, but didn't feel i was in a position to complain. But to heck with that. The best defense is a good offense. Next time hopefully I'll be smarter about it. And not play his game. If he persists I will complain, file a report, and finally sue if need be!!!
Be careful about taking on a S. S thrives on negative energy. The more you fight the more pleasure they get by weaving you deeper and deeper into their web of deceit. Do not think that they have not anticipated every counter move. They do this for a living because they have no other life. They get a thrill out of this. This is how they get their kicks.
All the advice that I keep getting is to drop the S and get clear. Hence the prerequisite to maintain boundaries so that you do not lose if the relationship turns out to be predatorial.
I agree with the author on this topic. This information is anything but excessive. Yes, I agree, the message in each point is Boundaries. Many of us are challenged by setting good boundaries. I see it with others every single day. I think it's good to spell everything out as the OP did...it needs to be very specific in order for people to "get it". Obviously, some of the other posters here weren't able to 'get it'.
I've been a target many times, unfortunately. The S/P / Narcissist is cunning, malicious, unconscionable, cruel, and will stop at nothing in order to manipulate and destroy another person's reputation. They will also do their very best to completely destroy the inner you until there is nothing left of you. You will be a pile of mush. Yes, mush!
They are master manipulators so it is difficult to know when you are being manipulated. They know just how to slide in/squeeze in without a person realizing what is happening.
Once, I was interacting with someone I knew was an S/P...she actually was able to manipulate me!! Afterwards I realized what she had done and I was amused that she slipped past even me.
People: what was said here about them being able to slyly turn on the "pity" in order to con others is absolutely true. I have witnessed it myself. Didn't realized what it was while it was happening and I thought it was strange behavior and didn't buy into it...never suspecting that this person turning on the 'pity' was going to play a major (unwanted) role in my life.
The reference I used for most of my early education was Bully On-Line. This site is filled with tools, but it's such an extensive site that it's almost intimidating to search through it. Also, it originates in the UK and their laws must be much different than ours.
I can see why some posters didn't buy what the O/P of this thread is saying. Unless you have been targeted, you likely will not believe there can be a situation that is as extreme as relating to a S/P or Narcissist. This is why education is so important. Even though there are some very good tools listed here, it is almost impossible to explain exactly why someone would choose to treat others the way that the S/P / Narcissist treats people. How I wish that there would be a major program designed to expose this type of behavior to the public.
The tools outlined here are essential to being able to survive and go toe-to-toe with them...although I don't mean that we confront them, just that we become able to recognize their traits and run away from them as fast as we can.
There are other resources that say some of the same things as this thread does. Innocent people would never believe that sociopaths/narcissists are as bad as they actually are. One source says that most people are raised with values and standards. They have never known anything else. To understand that there are people who are polar opposites of this is unfathomable to the average person.
Right now in the 9 person dept. where I work, out of the 9, there are likely 3 employees who could fit this description. I am their target.
There was also a 4th person involved, who used to be one of my "very best friends" HA! We'd been friends for a 11 years outside of work. She became angry with me because I asked for confidentiality about a personal matter. She went on a rage spree and told everyone she could - lies - what an "evil" person I am. One of the people she befriended was someone in my dept. that I was friendly with at work. Immediately, she began manipulating this person, and this other person is now targeting me.
These personality types stick together and they are able to sniff each other like dogs and know they are the same...and they stick together. For me, I am very concerned about the outcome of all of this. The handwriting is on the wall...this person is now hanging with our supervisor...they are always together because she is initiating this with the sup. She has escalated this relationship ever since she saw that the sup and I have a lot in common and have friendly discussions. The S/P does not like to lose a potential manipulation. This situation is all too familiar because the S/P I mentioned a few paragraphs above did exactly the same thing...she wooed our supervisor with compliments and promises...and the rest was history.
The only question I have is: do all of them have this riveting stare that most sources talk about? Or can some of them appear to be normal?
There's so much more I could share, and will stop for now.
For those who took my post as being "too obsessive," I pity them their unwillingness to pay attention. Chances are they haven't been duped, yet. And, "YET" is the operative word.
Donna Anderson, owner and founder of http://www.lovefraud.com,
is currently engaged in a campaign of education and "re-classification," of the sociopath/narcissist/psychopathic definition. For more information, please visit this valuable and (for some) life saving site. Donna is an educated, intelligent professional who was involved with a straight-up sociopath and lost nearly everything during her brief marriage to this man. Her personal story is enlightening, compelling, and harrowing. She's working with a number of professionals to educate via her blogsite, as well as endeavoring to bring her knowledge into classrooms.
Check it out, if you have a chance!
As for the predatory stare, it's been present in every encounter that I've experienced with bona fide sociopaths (diagnosed) and those who "fit the profile."
The S attempts to make the target responsible for the consequences of the actions taken by the S. "You have to do this act or I will say that you are being difficult." or "Well I have incurred an obligation to a third party and we are now relying upon you to agree to this request." I once had a friend book a vacation, hotels, air fare, time off work, and then while she was enthusiastically celebrating her anticipation by sharing with us her plans, she turned to me and said "So, we need someone to stay at the house and take care of the cats and pets. You will be able to do that for us, won't you?" In other words: Are you going to make all my plans collapse in front of anyone and at the same time demonstrate your ungenerous nature and not be there for me when I clearly trust that you will be!
When I stepped back and said that I did not have plans to move to her house for housekeeping services her face immediately darkened, she became the victim and almost sobbed "Well what am I to do then? Cancel my vacation!" and suddenly I was a criminal destroying her property interests.
Foolishly I agreed thinking that if I gently reprimanded her for her presumption it would not happen again. I could not have been more incorrect. What followed was a series of violent confrontations premised on her entitlement and a fictious background of my "letting her down" as a character of our relationship. She had injected that character into her tone when she established her manipulative move and by smoothing things out for her "just this once" I unwittingly endorsed that premise. Predictably I was seen as the one who caused her grief and she the one who tried so hard to make the relationship work.
Some of this seems a bit excessive, written from a stance of extreme paranoia and judgment.
HOWEVER, if this is all true, then everybody here has had my relationship issues wrong from the start. It would appear that it is not my partner who is NPD. If this is all true, I am the NPD or S. It is possible that we both are; however, the inner honesty that I can share with myself seems to be what has kept me justifying HIS behavior because I know deep down that I am so highly manipulative and definitely to blame for a majority of these problems.
It is not that he is so well-defined in this behavior that he has me pressed against a wall blaming myself, thinking that I am the problem, that he is in complete control this way; it is that I know deep down inside that I have done far worse than he, in a psychological manner. The simple truth to it is that he does stupid things and gets caught (perhaps due to my predatory instinct and constant awareness and reading of others) whereas I manipulate so many other people and falsify mere identities that he has absolutely no idea how much I am fully responsible for things that he would never even guess that I had anything to do with, or even any knowledge of.
Then again, I think I knew this all along. Sometimes playing the victim just relieves a bit of the guilt that I should feel but do not consciously acknowledge.
I hadn't even seen where this thread finally went until just now.
Excessive and paranoid? Not on your life. I've Survived numerous toxic and extremely damaging encounters with both malignant narcissists and diagnosed sociopaths. Once, I was one of the people that routinely would tell people (even new acquaintances) that I was a "trusting" individual at the outset, and blah, blah, blah. I gave away entirely too much personal information about myself, including past history, financial woes, and so forth.
The whole gist of this post was to generate interest in healthy, personal boundaries. :D
It's too late for most of us when we finally figure out what we really have been dealing with. We have already given out information that they can twist and use against us. In hindsight, I would be very careful about what I disclose to coworkers. It's hard to believe that some people are so dark, but they are. Follow your gut.
During the Holiday Season, abuses increase at a dramatic rate. Gas-lighting, coercion, verbal/emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, and sexual abuse are at a fevered pitch, while the statistics on physical violence drop, dramatically. Why? ... ... ... A Holiday or special event is the most perfect time for an abuser to work non-violent abuses. Typically, there will be more verbal abuse in the form of threats, like, "If you don't _____, the children won't get any presents, and it will be your fault." Fill in the blank with anything that you can think of, whe ...
[This message is long. Retrieve the whole message]
October has been designated "Domestic Violence Awareness Month." It behooves every human being to understand what Domestic Violence and Abuse is, what it isn't, and how to take steps to break the cycle.
Domestic violence has several subcategories:
* intimate partner abuse
* family violence and/or abuse
* spousal rape
* dating abuse
DV&A is typically a pattern of behaviors that results in the abuser controlling the victim. Some abusive behaviors are:
* name-calling or putdowns
* preventing a partner from contacting their family or friends
* withholding money
* preventing or interfering with a partner getting or keeping a job
* threats of, or actual physical violence
* sexua| assault
* threatening or actual harm harm against children
* threatening or actual harm against pets
* damaging or destroying personal property
* preventing the victim from leaving
* emotional abuse
* "gaslighting" or crazy-making behavior
Domestic violence and abuse doesn't "just happen." It is an insidious dynamic that typically happens over a period of time. "Don't be so stupid," during dating eventually becomes, "You're so useless," after a period of time. What begins with, "Tell me when you use our joint checking account," and ends with, "You are not authorized to use this account." What begins as "horseplay" or "roughhousing" eventually becomes a black eye, broken arm, or severe beating.
ANYONE can be made a victim of Domestic Violence and/or abuse. DV&A is not reserved for poor, uneducated females. DV&A crosses all boundaries of gender, religion, culture, socio-economic status, and vocations.
Statistics for female-on-male DV&A are sketchy and rarely reported, but the best number is 40% of all men experience DV&A, at some point. Most men do not identify their abusers.
It is estimated that an average of 3 women are murdered, each day, by their domestic or intimate partners in the U.S., alone.
One out of every 4 women have experienced DV&A.
Getting OUT of an abusive relationship is no easy task, especially if there are children involved and/or a legal, binding contract of marriage. Take this fact to the bank: IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER. Not ever. If you are involved in an abusive relationship, it is not going to end well for you, or your children. No amount of money, no real estate, no vehicle, no tangible property is worth remaining in ANY abusive relationship. DV&A results in complete destruction - financially, emotionally, physically, sexually, and spiritually. The only way to make it end is to get out.
Here are some links for more information and safety measures that can be taken. Nobody can "save" a victim of DV&A - only the victim can make the choice to become a Survivor by getting out, safely.
There are resources available and you are not alone. No matter what your abuser has told you, you are precious in this Universe. You are worthy and deserving of everything GOOD in this lifetime. GET OUT. Contact your local DV&A hotline, or check one of the links, above, and ask for help. If there are children involved, they are watching and learning that what they are witnessing is "normal," and they will either develop into a "Perfect Victim," or a more creative abuser.
Thanks, Southern Belle - DV&A is a subject that I am only too familiar with. I have experienced every manner of abuse and violence with the exception of a broken bone at the hands of the former abuser.
As a Survivor, I can honestly say that I always held out the false belief that "something" would happen - a personal epiphany or lightning bolt from Zeus that would "change" the way that things were. Well, it wasn't going to happen.
The moment when I came to accept the fact that the former abuser wasn't going to change was NOT when he shoved a loaded .357 in my face and threatened to shoot my children in front of me, then me, then himself! It was when a dear neighbor passed dramatically from a long terminal illness. He expressed not one ounce of grief for her passing - he only demanded to know what "took (me) so long" when she was taken off in an ambulance and died in the 10 minutes that it took to get to the nearby hospital.
I'm educated. I was raised in a middle-class environment. I was introduced to "polite" society and was taught etiquette and proper social conduct. I am the face of the typical target of an abuser.
So, if sharing my experiences helps one person to break the cycle, it's a WIN.
I have been dating a full blown NPD off and on for 2 years now. In the beginning I always wondered, why is this guy so vague, negative, boasting about anything to do with himself, deceptive etc... I could go on and on, after reading a lot about NPD ( he has all the signs that I have found on many sites), this all makes sense.
I feel like I am at the very least a little co-dependent because of the number of times I realize that nothing ever changes, break up , only to fall back into it again.
We both frequent the same places, have somewhat kinda the same friends circle. Nobody that knows this guy for years trusts him at all, everyone knows there is *something* about him ya know....
I need to know how to stay away and stay strong, this guy manipulated me over and over and I am embarrassed to say that but it's true, and I can't fall back into it, I am sooo happy and alive when he is gone, then he pops back up only to drag me down with him and make me feel like the one doing wrong things.
From your post, it would appear that you also have low self-esteem. No offense meant but, I also suspect that you keep going back to him because you also believe that you will never find anyone else who will want to go out with you. Am I right?
You see, I was once that way. I grew up with an NPD mother who was verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. She was also an alcoholic and my father was the perfect enabler. Growing up like that, really did a number on my self-esteem and self-confidence. Perhaps you endured something similar while growing up?
From experience, I can tell you that you have to stay strong. No, it's not always easy but you have to do it. I once dated a guy who kept pressuring me to sleep with him. I kept telling him "no" because deep down I knew that once he did get his way, he would dump me. He did dump me anyway but not before telling me what a prude I was. I was very proud of myself for not having given into him.
After that, when I would encounter guys like him, it became easier to say "no". After saying "no", I would hear "see you around".
You have to say "no" to him---and really mean it. If it is necessary, find a different circle of friends so that you don't run into him.
Clearly, you feel embarassed each time you get sucked in again. Think back to those times next time you're tempted to go back. You don't want to keep feeling bad, do you?
Finally, if you still find that you are having difficulties, take a look at:
1. I am 32, have an 11 year old and feel like maybe at this point I will never find anyone else.
2. I was abandon at a young age by my mother.
3. I am utterly embarrassed of him. My friends know his drama with screwing people over, they all think he is a dirt bag etc... so this last time I let him back in I kept it a secret. This was terrible, telling people they can't stop over the house or "no I don't need a ride, will meet you there" etc.....
I am tired of being manipulated by him, I am tired of his white lies he tells me and the white lies I witness him tell other people. The way he has to be "it" in conversation and the fact that he tries to lie to me about things WE talked about together days ago.
OMG! You have a child yet you still persist in being with this man? I'm sorry if this will sound harsh but here's a shout out to you--- YOUR CHILD'S WELL BEING IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE. YOUR CHILD COMES FIRST!
You need to step back and really think about this, mainly what kind of example are you setting for your child by having this man in and out of your life? As a parent, you owe it to your child to provide a stable environment. Having this man in and out of your life is not providing a stable environment.
Is your child a girl? If so, please think about the bad example you're setting by allowing this man into your life!
If you really can't break away, then please, please, please visit the Codependents Anonymous site --- sooner rather than later!
Edited to add this --- Until you get some help (in the form of counseling or by attending Codependents Anonymous meetings), you really need to put dating on hold---especially since you have a child still at home.
Blue Rose is 100% dead-on. The well being of your child should come first, and foremost. Being with someone like this person only teaches your child that such behavior is not only acceptable, but appropriate.
The only way to excise NDP from your life is through "no contact." If you move in the same circles, then the circle of friends needs to be weeded out. Circling the wagons is a good analogy - but, only those people that have earned your trust need to be your friends, right now. Even then, this is going to have to be something that you do, on your own. You may even decide that hanging out with friends might need to be put aside for the best interests of your child - a very wise choice, in the long run.
Whatever you choose to do, you must do on your own. Nobody can do it for you and the control over your own life needs to be taken back into your own hands. Your child is watching you - every action and every REaction to Life's issues is training for your child as to what type of adult they will be. By remaining in a bad situation, they are learning that they must either become a victim, or an abuser, themselves. This may come across as harsh, but this choice is not only about you - it's about your child's best interests, as well. Both of my sons were raised in a NPD/sociopathic environment, and the long-term consequences of my choice to remain with a monster for that long have been dire. The eldest is a diagnosed sociopath, and the youngest is now the perfect victim. They are both adults, and the wake of damage that has been left is incalculable - from teachers, to taxpayers, to friends, to family.
Fairy Tales have taught women that they only need Prince Charming to be fulfilled. Well, it's rubbish. What we need is to develop into strong, wise, and self-assured human beings, and then we can choose a partner that's worthwhile! Women, in particular, need to realize that they do not require a man to be complete. You don't need this man. Your child doesn't deserve to experience this type of environment. But, only you can take the steps to end this mess and develop yourself into a strong, wise human being. www.lovefraud.com
My daughter is fine. My NPD ex was commuting between states to work, so she is very used to him being gone etc... and she really doesn't like him at all she doesn't "hate" him , she doesn't and isn't ever "hurt" by him at all. It's almost as if she views him as the annoying cousin in the house when he is around, because well he will argue and debate with her on dumb things, eat her chips and they banter back and forth.
Another sign this guy is ridiculous, his ability to argue with kids, about things like how many legs a certain bug has etc.....
I guess typical NPD behavior though, has to always be right?
Even if is is against an 11 year old.
So far so good - I went to get my key yday, he asked me why I am doing this, I said I don't trust you, you lie, Sugar coat everything to everyone, also told him nobody trusts him, because I don't know anyone who really does. Now he apparently called a mutual friend of ours to talk to him about " if he trusts him or not" and he is now sending me texts messages about their conversation and "proof" this friend trusts him? Apparently my general comment put him on a mission to find someone that trusts him?
I may change my number but he still knows where I live.
You may think your daughter isn't being hurt by being exposed to him but nothing can be further from the truth. She knows that you have a relationship that is more than friendship.
Yet, clearly she has witnessed his behaviors. Arguing with an 11-year old over such ridiculous things isn't normal. In fact, from what you've written, in this case, it is emotionally abusive. You yourself have pointed out how he always has to be right---even with an 11-year old!
Since your daughter knows that you and the NPD are more than friends, you can expect that when she is old enough to date, she will be attracted to the same type of man. After all, that's what she's learned from watching her mother.
What your daughter needs from you right now is a stable home environment. Having this man in and out of your life isn't giving her any stability.
She also needs you to set a better example. That's why I said you shouldn't date again until you've worked through your issues. Have you gotten in touch with Codependents Anonymous? If not, have you made arrangements to get counseling?
You've made a positive first step by getting your key back and telling him why you don't want him around. Now, take it to the next level and get some help.
Also, read SoulfulSurvivor's post again, and take it to heart. There is a lot of great advice in that post!
Please get going, if you haven't yet---not only for your sake but for your daughter's sake, too. You don't want her getting attracted to an NPD, do you?
iv been in a 12 year relationship with someone who has npd
when i broke up with him, he was still making contact, communicating with me, texting me, calling me, emailing me saying he just wants to know if im ok.
so i text back or respond that i am ok, & then the pattern starts again - & it went on for 2 years more - the excellent good times and the painfully hurtful gut wrenching heart tearing BAD times.
emotionally and mentally!!! (he was physically abusive in the early part of our relationship.)
it was only 2 months ago that I learned he was going to be married to somenone else - but he only did so when i brought up that maybe i want us to get married.
i asked him why he was still seeing me then - & why is he being intimate with me - i also asked myself why I allowed myself to still be with him & be intimate with him -
when he was going to be married anyway !!!
- to a woman he said he doesnt really love but cant detach himself from. when i tested him & i said i want us to get married instead - he said he cant.
but he is still communicating with me and initiating contact!!! he also sent an angry text message on why i wasnt answering his calls!!!
i have stopped communicating with him in any manner & form & no longer respond to anything he sends or does. though ithas only been a month, he now no longer is contacting me - for how long i dont know. But i am sure i dont want to be sucked in his world again.
now i think i know why I was suseecptible to him and why i was so easily swayed by him.
i grew up in a family with npd tendencies (my grandmother has npd tendencies) --
Now im in the process of healing myself. it has been only a month so it is admittedly so hard still to get over the fact that i had a relationship with him as he was someone I loved - he's my 1st boyfriend.I had trouble sleeping sleeping at night & i found myself crying suddenly in the grocery. But I have & to make a better today & future for myself. these collection of radio shows from melanie tonia evans also helped me a lot from detaching myself from him as well as help me sleep better at night - sincerely - http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/media.htm
i am still a work in progress but i am starting NOW. NoW is the best time than not at all!
I have had 2 girlfriends that fall into the cluster B. A Borderline and a Narcissist.
Yes you get blamed for everything and they dont feel responsibilty, both of them broke up and within a month they were engaged or pregnent with other men whom they called "the love of their life".
Best thing to do is laugh it off and feel sorry for the next douchebag that knocked her up.