I am so sorry that you are experiencing these trust-shattering experiences. You've had some superb advice - ACT ON IT, NOW. Don't wait for "something" to happen or for someone to make the call for you. Call Child Protective Services, immediately, and they will contact the police. A full investigation will be conducted and this will include a physical exam. Retrieve any/all physical evidence that may still exist, if you can.
You're a brave person to put your experiences into words and your courage will see you through this horrible part of your life safely and securely onto your healing path. Something that you may want to keep in mind is that your mother is probably being abused, as well. She may be turning a "blind eye" to what's been happening to you because she's probably been threatened that you will be taken away from her, forever, if she does ANYthing that might get this rat-bastid into prison. This is a threat that many abusers use to make sure that there is no interference in their heinous activities.
Take heart, dear one. As I said, you're very brave and this courage will help you to process all that's happened to you. You did nothing to deserve it, and you're NOT a bad person because this monster did what he did to you. You are not responsible for the actions of another adult. This person did all of this to you because he could - that's the only reason. Now, get on the phone, contact CPS, tell them EVERYTHING, and you and your mother will be taken to safety, and the rotten catfish will be thrown into jail.
My most sincere best wishes to you!
I agree with Seek2b - thank God, The Great Creator, Jehovah, Mohammed, Buddah, or any other name you wish to choose. Someone took a courageous leap and made the call that was needed. Yes, there are many unpleasant challenges ahead of you, but you will - WILL - take them on and put these episodes in perspective.
I'm going to try to explain some things that might help ease your mind:
#1 - You did nothing to deserve what was done to you. You didn't "ask" for it, and you didn't want it. The man that did this to you is a monster, regardless of whether he seemed to make your mother happy, or not. He is a monster. A monster. SAY IT OUT LOUD - HE IS A MONSTER.
#2 - What he did to you may be legally termed a sexua| crime, but his actions had little to do with sex. Rape is not about sex. It's about control and ownership. This is a fact and anyone who has the nerve to call you names because you were victimized would be doing so out of fear - fear that such a horrible thing could happen to the, as well. If anyone calls you ugly names, walk away from them and pity them for their stupidity. Yes, you're allowed to be angry, but don't take that anger out on others or it will make you no better than that monster. You cannot control what other people are going to think, believe, or say.
#3 - Your mother is sad because (speaking from personal experience with abuse) she feels responsible for what happened to you and she feels that she failed you in the worst way that a parent can - she failed to protect you, she failed to recognize a monsterous predator, and she failed to stop what was happening. She trusted this THING, and her trust was shattered, and her confidence as a protector and nurturing parent has also been shattered. This is how she feels.
#4 - Intensive therapy is strongly and urgently suggested for both you and your mother so that you each can heal from this horrible breach in trust, and to prepare for the events which will follow.
Get mad at this man. You'll probably never know what went on behind closed doors, but chances are that your mother endured some type of abusive treatment, as well. You have an opportunity to stop this man from ever doing this type of thing to another human being, and you also have the opportunity to advocate for other victims of such crimes once your feet have settled firmly on your own healing path.
Remember this, always: you cannot control anything else in the Universe except you. You couldn't stop that monster, so please forgive yourself and don't dare carry any guilt for what he did to you. YOU are the victim and HE is the perpetrator - it wouldn't be any different had he beaten you on a regular basis, and our society tends to place a great deal of emphasis on rape as being sexually motivated, which is simply not true. You can't heal your mother, either. She is going to have to face down her own demons, or not. But, you, dear heart, are a brave, strong, and valuable human being and this experience does not have to define who you are for the rest of your life if you refuse to allow it to.
May you find peace, comfort, and strength in the days, weeks, and months to come, and may you be a beacon of hope to other victims. God bless you.
BlueRose, it's wonderful to "see" you - I've missed your presence on CZ for a long, long time!
Yes, it's an older thread, but judging by the number of responses that the original message generated, I hope that all of the info has been helpful (or, HOPEful) to others in dire need.
Again..........it's so good to see you, BlueRose. Looking forward to some of your responses! :-D
Wow....I cannot tell you how relieved I am for you, J. In most cases, parents (especially, single parents) will understand what has happened to their child, though there are some that take the side of the abuser/rapist. I truly pity those parents and the innocent victims.
You are a valuable human being and you have something very important to do in your lifetime. I don't know what it is, and I can't say if it will tie into your terrible experiences. What I do know is that a child as brave, honest, and courageous as you are has "Something Important To Do."
Blessings upon your mother - I can imagine her sense of guilt because I carried my own for what happened to my sons for many, many years. Thank goodness you're both in counseling - she will have her own healing to do, and you yours. You will not be able to heal for her, but she'll lean on you a great deal in months to come for a great many reasons. Never be tempted to speak accusingly to her about your horrific ordeal, no matter how angry you get with her. When it comes to that point in your healing, scream it at your counselor and get it out, but never use this against your mother to get even or deliberately harm her. I have a feeling that you wouldn't do this, but it's just a reminder to you.
As for feeling dirty? You're allowed to - what that Thing did to you was cruel, sick, and he'll get what's coming to him when he enters prison, I promise you. Having said that, keep in mind that what he DID was filthy, but you, dear child, are not dirty, at all. These feelings are normal and will soon be replaced by understanding and acceptance that you were the victim of a sadistic Rat Sh*t - you will come to terms with these feelings, in due time, and move forward on a positive healing path.
There is NO DIFFERENCE between a male or female victim. The only difference is gender. A victim is a victim, and I'll say that it is a personal mandate for me to respond to people who have suffered cruelties at the hands of another human being, regardless of gender, race, creed, sexua| orientation, etc. If just one person breaks the cycle of violence and abuse, that's one person out of that wheel and, one day, the cycle of violence and abuse will collapse as a socially accepted behavior.
As Blue Rose has asked, please post back as time goes on. And, always remember: you are a very valued and loved human being, and you have something important to do in your lifetime.
Brightest healing blessings to you and your mom.
Hello Sweetie, my name's Jess, I am 14 also, and i am a girl, i cannot image what kind of hell you are going through with this monster rapist you are having to live with.
My mum is a nurse, so i do know a bit about bodily health.
I just wanna say first, it is important to know that NONE of this is your fault at all !!! Xxx you are the victim here, and i am soooo sorry for you that you have had to have this happen to you in your life. But to answer your questions,:
1. Yes, You can get infections and diseases from sex. They are called STI's (Sexually Transmitted Infection) or STD's (Sexually Transmitted Disease) they can be quiet nasty and can cause serious damage... BUT!, I am pretty sure you don't have one, Because...
2. It is normally for a man to blead from you back passage after he had experienced rough anal sex or rape. You'd be surprised how common it is actually, you know, even a girl blead from her privates the first time she is penetrated (experiences sex) you are also in pain because you are definatly not used to anal penetration, and i take it no form of condom or lubrication was used, (what gay men used to have sex) witch would make it even more painful :'( . So Sorry For You xxx
3. Bye the way, Have you ever heard of the drug, Codeine Or Co - Codimals ??? They would help a lot with the pain, trust me, i have a lot of long term medical problem (i've had all my life) and i am in pain quite a bit, and they really help, they are almost as strong as morphine! Just tell your mum u have a headache or something, and ask her to get u it, but eat a cracker first, they can be harsh on the stomach, and u could put a cream called Germoliene (Ger - Mo - Lean) not sure of spelling, on, it would help with the soar ness, it has annastetic in it.
4. I live in england, not sure about you, but, we have a new law over here that my social worker told me about and it means 14 year olds can go to the doctor by themselfs without there parents finding out, so, for instance, girls or boys can get the pill or condoms without there parents knowing, maybe you have something like that where you live, you prob can go docs by yourself, google it for your area. Xxx
5. This is not your fault, you do not have to live or put up with this there is a helpline that you can call called childline, there number is 0800 11111, there conversations are completely confidential, they wont tell anyone about what u have said, unless you tell them to, you can also ask them to just pick you up and they will just say, "I'm 14, I've been raped, I'm physically hert, i need help, please come and get me!" and they will xxx.
I really hope i have helped you, and if you have any other Questions DO NOT hesitate to ask me, I'll make my email vis sable to you. Hope I here back from you soon when things have improved for you xxxx i'm sending my love sweetie, xxx ask for help, and stay strong xxxxx
Love Jess xxx
This post is over 4 years old. Also, I wish to caution ANYONE with regard to responding to any solicitation to call or email ANYONE to "talk" about personal trauma. It could be totally innocent. Then again, it could be totally PREDATORY.
I heard your story JTM14, I dont know how to express my emotions to you. when I read your story, I broke down crying, I am so sorry for what happened to you when you were 14. I am very hopefull that you are okay now. The story got in to right at my heart and I feel for you. I feel sadness, empathy for you. What happened to you is not right and it should never happen to a 14 year old boy. The tress and trauma you went through must been unexpressible. I wish I was there with you at that time and I wish I cold hold you tight, and hugg your very much and never let you go. I hope to to this day, on this day that you are still alive and well. I want to be wth you and hug you and comfort you and everything and anything for you. The horror of reading this story touched me and I have been thinking and thinking about it over and over. I hope you can email me privatly to talk more. I can tell you that your not alone, I was sexually asullted when I was five till I was 7 1/2. I know what you feel and the pain your gong through. The PTSD and Anxiaty is a total stresser. I have depression and I treid to kill myself at least 7 times now. I hope you pulled through this tramatic time in your life and I hope very much that your happier to this day and many days to come. My best wishes and luck to you JTM14.
PS - Please email me to talk more, I would love to chat with you.
I am so, so sorry that you've experienced this horrible event.
Having typed that, you have two choices before. You have the option of not telling anyone to protect your boyfriend and remain a victim to "Josh," and whomever else your boyfriend knows, OR you can call your local rape hotline and end your role as a victim, tonight.
You didn't do anything to deserve what was done to you, but hiding what happened is not going to help you, one bit. You are only 13 and sorting this out, now, will help you to progress and develop into an individual with courage, strength, and resiliency - your decisions will be based upon what is in your best interests, rather than someone else's.
The national rape hotline website is: http://www.rainn.org
You have options, but you are the only one who can make those choices. I wish that this never happened to anyone, but it does, and victims of this kind of violence don't deserve what was done to them and, because of the false sense of shame involved, they never tell anyone and the rapist goes on and on and on hurting other people until they either land in prison, get too old (or, sick) to continue harming people, or they die.
You have the choice to end this person's violence, now. No, you cannot make what he did to you disappear, but you can call the hotline, press charges, get involved in some trauma counseling, and love yourself as you deserve to be loved.
My sincere blessings of comfort and courage go out to you. You are priceless and valuable in this enormous Universe - never forget that. And, this act of violence does not have to be what defines who you are.
As a strict aside, we are each "different," AC1201. At 13, the "difference" might be as simple as being an artist instead of an attorney, or a healer instead of a builder. If we are emotionally healthy, we sort these things out as our lives unfold. We cannot be expected to make decisions about who we are or what we are at 13. I knew too many classmates who came from over-acheiving families that were literally driven to meet the highest standards and steam-roll over anyone and anyTHING that stood in the way of achieving the highest goals imaginable.
An example of this is a whole family of super-achievers that I went to school with. They all graduated with honors. They all were accepted at the most prestigious universities in the country - literally. They ALL attained these outrageous goals and they are some of the loneliest and empty people that I've ever known.
So.......appreciate that you are "different" and determine what it is that makes you different. Do you believe that you're more sensitive than other people? Well..........you just may be an artist - performing (acting), visual (drawing, painting, animation), literary (writing, story-telling, movie directing/scripting), or musical. Don't be so quick to label yourself......we are ALL different, and thank gawd for that!
AC1201, your boyfriend's reaction isn't out of the ordinary. It is often the first reaction to blame the victim for being raped - I must have done something to "deserve" it or encourage the action. This is NOT true and is one of the terrible stigmas regarding sexual assault - because of the very nature of rape, it is wrongly assumed that the crime is committed for the sole purpose of sexual gratification, and it is NOT. It is a crime of hatred, anger, rage, and control. Period. Sex is just the means to an end.
Your parents may have "high standards," but you deserve to be protected and vindicated. I would strongly encourage you to tell them and file criminal charges as soon as you are able. And, it may be a wise choice to avoid seeing the boyfriend for a while. Something doesn't "sound" right about this whole situation, and it would be an option to protect yourself, right now, while you recover from the assault.
Again........my very best wishes to you and you're strong and courageous - you can recover from this without allowing it to define who you are.
AC1202, I experienced a number of different types of sexual assault and abuse throughout my lifetime, and it began in my childhood, and I've finally recovered from those experiences. I have developed some pretty significant insight and knowledge with regard to these types of situations, as well as human behavior and abuses.
When I type that it "doesn't sound right," I mean that a grown man of 19 absolutely knows better than to involve a prepubescent child in their lives, whether they are gay, straight, bi, trans, or whatever. This is a matter of morals, ethics, and boundaries, no matter what gender role we're discussing. It's just not kosher to "date" a child that much younger than one's self. That's a six year difference in age. To put that into its proper perspective, you have lived twice times 6 years, which means that he's slightly HALF of your current lifetime older than you are. It's just bad form and, in most States in the U.S., a criminal act. This is precisely why someone who is 15 years old is NOT considered a legal adult. They do not have the Life's Experiences to make INFORMED decisions, even though they are able to reproduce.
As a strict aside, how long has this man been your boyfriend?
Your description of him pressuring you also gives me pause for thought that he's deviant and may have offered you up to his friend as a toy. I'm NOT saying that's what he did, so please understand this. But, the scenario sounds all-too-familiar to me, and it is questionable, at the very least.
About your parents. There is the fantasy relationship, and there's the actual relationship. The two rarely cross paths, and this is simply a matter of fact, not a judgment. Your parents are either going to accept you as you are, or they aren't. Either way, you are not responsible for their issues. You cannot control anyone else's reactions, responses, feelings, attitudes, beliefs, or directions. The only person that you have any control over is your own self. This is why it's so vital to get that man charged with the crime that he committed, and get involved in some strong trauma counseling so that you can be the priceless and precious piece of this huge Universe that you are without feeling any sense of shame, guilt, or obligation to "fix" anyone else, save anyone else, or rescue anyone else. Tell them the facts about what happened. Talk about your feelings with them at a later date, because feelings may be associated with facts, but they are feelings. The facts cannot be disputed, but feelings can certainly be dismissed and devalued.
Sex is a very dicey thing, AC1201. It is one of the most powerful things that exists within humanity. It can be an indescribable part of a healthy, loving relationship, or it can be used as a weapon to punish someone to the depths of their soul. And, it can be used for everything, in between. But, at 13, there is no clear understanding of who we are, just yet. It is NOT unusual for children to have their first experiences with the same gender - it simply isn't because our friends are typically the same gender as we are, and our childhood friends are typically the people that we trust enough to begin exploring with. Sadly, because we don't speak openly and frankly about this sensitive subject, we assign labels at a point in a child's lifetime when they don't even know who they are, yet.
SO........try not to worry about whether or not you're gay, bi, or whatever. JUST concentrate on recovering from the crime that was committed against you and developing into an emotionally, physically, and spiritually (NOT religious) healthy individual. Loving yourself, FIRST, is the most valuable thing you can do for yourself, today. Everything else will fall into place it due time.
AC1201, please............call your local rape hotline and speak to the intake counselor on duty. You need a professional involved to help you, AND your parents.
The national hotline website is: http://www.rainn.org
About this boyfriend, think about your age when you became involved with him. You were only 11 1/2 years old. On the boyfriend's part, that's atrocious and you didn't deserve anything that has happened, including experiencing your parents reactions.
You type as if you are very insightful for your age - use that to your advantage and make any and every call that you can that will help YOU, and you, first.
You do have people who care about you, and you probably don't know it. The boyfriend? Please....... Your parents sound as if they need help, themselves. Give that hotline a call and you will be provided with as much help as you need for as long as you need it.
Today is Independence Day in the U.S. Make today YOUR day of independence and help yourself to the best of your ability.
Again........brightest blessings of comfort and courage to you.........you are precious in this Universe and let no one - not even parents - tell you that you're not.
If you have access to the internet, you can contact your local rape hotline or the National Rape Hotline at: http://www.rainn.org Through that link, you can begin getting the help that you need.
Sometimes, it's the best option to just walk away from an unhealthy situation, AC1201. What would you expect to achieve by seeing this boyfriend a final time? You cannot change the circumstances or anything that has happened - it's over and in the past, and we simply do not have that power to change the outcome of past events. Perhaps, the best option would be to concentrate on yourself.
And, I apologize - I got the age of your boyfriend from Glaxony's post when she mentioned an experience that she had, herself. So, I apologize. However, if the boyfriend is old enough to be charged with statutory rape, then he was old enough to "Know Better" than to fool around with a prepubescent child.
...... worrying about your boyfriend, right now. You are NOT responsible for his well-being, so leave this fellow out of the discussion, at the present. You've been traumatized and you do NOT need to burden yourself with additional and unwarranted shame where his responsibilities or consequences are concerned. This is about you, not him.
I would strongly urge you to consider the following options, in order, as possible courses to take:
1. call the local rape hotline for more trained and specific help
2. tell your mom
3. file criminal charges
There is a strong concern about your boyfriend that I have, as a mother and as someone who was once 13. This individual is way older than you and this relationship could be very unhealthy for both of you. You have the rest of your life to find a committed partner and learn how to cultivate a safe, loving, and healthy relationship. There's no need to rush into growing up - honestly, I type this from personal experience. Sure, you may want to inform him, but right now is all about you, your recovery, and moving into some healing.
At any rate, you have many options available.
Best wishes and brightest blessings to you.
Lance590, I am sorry that you had those experiences. Events and episodes like that can destroy a human being's psyche for the rest of their lives unless they make the choice to get help to process the experiences and heal from them.
The aftermath of the types of events that you described can only be addressed and managed by working with a trained professional that "gets it." We do not have the ability to process such experiences and managed the triggers, on our own. We simply don't. So, once we can say it out loud or write it on a piece of paper, we are "aware" of the source of many of our personal issues.
To find a counselor that "gets it," one can simply call their local domestic/family violence hotline and ask for a list of names of professionals that specialize in family violence/abuse, rape survival, PSTD, and "Stockholm Syndrome." The person answering the phone will not stand in judgement, nor will they try to provide counseling over the phone. They will give you a list of names and numbers, and hear your experiences to determine who the best counselor might be for you to work with. Most of these counselors provide their services at a greatly reduced rate, or free-of-charge. Having said that, it is very important for you to understand that the healing process is not simple, easy, or painless. There is a lot of emotional purging that has to occur, and it's not pleasant. But, once that purge has begun, it's like shedding skin and allowing warm sunlight onto ourselves.
You now have a choice of two possible actions. 1) Do something to process these experiences and heal yourself, or 2) do nothing and allow those experiences and that person to define who you are for the rest of your life. That's it.
As an aside, and not to be interpreted as a snide question, but where were your parents in all of this? This was clearly a dysfunctional situation, but was there some sort of other family abuse going on? You don't need to answer that question on this board - save it for your counselor. It's just something to consider that, when we are raised in an environment that is lacking of safety, security, acceptance, and approval, we tend to tolerate things (even, and most certainly, into adulthood) that are beyond abusive.
To find your local domestic/family abuse hotline, visit www.ndvh.org. Also, you may want to contact your local rape hotline. It doesn't matter if these things happened many years ago, Lance590. PSTD often takes years to develop, and personal issues as a result of rape often develop over a period of time. The crimes and abuses that you experienced (and, the subsequent damages) can be lifelong if you choose to "deal with it" on your own.
Brightest blessings to you
I believe that the episode with your niece has little to do with your son's drug addiction now. Your niece is not demanding cunnilingus now, and your son is a grown up man by now.
If you son wants to get off drugs he will need to treat the underlying biological abnormality that cause him to be addicted to drugs for relief of his symptoms.
Most drug addicts are hypoglycemic. This causes the over-production of stress hormones for which your son is taking calming chemicals (drugs) to counteract the feelings of anxiety and discomfort. Most drug addicts are hypoglycemic.
This illness an be treated without recourse to drugs by going on a Hypoglycemic Diet.
I am so sorry that you have had such horrific experiences.
No doctor has the right or privilege to sexually molest or assault a patient. If it were me, I would first try to get the dates of these "appointments" straight with general timelines and events. Then, I would contact my local rape hotline and report the incidents. THEN, I would ask the rape center for recommendations on a good, strong counseling therapist and begin the work of recovery and healing.
What may be helpful for you to understand is that you are not alone in this. You are not the first person to have been sexually assaulted by someone else (regardless of gender!), nor will you be the last. The only way to put an end to this type of CRIME is for victims to come forth, report these CRIMES, and take action to see that these predators are stopped.
My positive healing thoughts and prayers go out to you - you have the power to take your life back and see that someone else doesn't suffer the same CRIMES that you have.
Brightest blessings to you.
I'm so sorry that you had that experience and that you sound as if you've been able to process what had been done to you.
Male rape is one of "those subjects" that doesn't get a whole lot of insightful discussion OR sympathy - like the poster above, many (if not, most) people try to connect rape with their understanding of what it's all about, and what generally happens, and they have absolutely NO frame of reference to refer to.
Even women experience cllmax during rape - this doesn't mean that they enjoyed what had been done to them, or that they "wanted it." Physiology is physiology - rub a specific spot and BINGO.....
So, your rapist reaped what was sown, and I'm so sorry that your innocence and view of romance was ruined, and that the rapist was such a sick individual.
I am grateful that you're able to speak/type about your experience with insight and maturity.
Brightest blessings to you
I am horribly sorry to read of your experiences. And, I'm going to hazard a guess that you never told anyone about the crimes that were committed against you, and I understand, but I'm going to share a fact with you: supressing such a traumatic event and not reporting it as a crime doesn't make the experience disappear, even over time.
When a person experiences a traumatic assault that ends with a sexua| assault, this one event can define a victim for the rest of their lives unless they take action and get involved in some very serious counseling. Aside from PSTD, sexua| dysfunction, and misplaced "shame," the effects of this type of experience infiltrate every action, choice, and decision that a victim makes. I know this from personal experience, and I never reported my experiences to anyone until my patterns became so pronounced that they nearly destroyed me, personally.
That you experienced an erection during a sexua| assault isn't uncommon - that's what you will learn to process and understand in strong counseling therapy and group support. Sadly, we often associate physiological reactions with "pleasure" under such circumstances, and we actually feel SHAME for this loss of control and our own body's betrayal of a clearly violent attack. The attack wasn't about sexua| gratification - it was strictly about power, control, abuse, and violence. PERIOD.
I would strongly encourage you to consider seeking counseling to process what you've experienced. Some websites for you to research:
What you experienced was a violent attack perpetrated by criminals. The sexua| assault is termed, "sexual," ONLY because those acts are classified for legal clarity and has nothing to do with sex, sexua| attraction, or sexuality, ON ANY LEVEL. You were a victim of VIOLENCE, and this one event can affect every relationship that you have, from family to friends to coworkers.
Take control of your life and what was done to you by getting involved in some good, strong counseling and support groups. The moment that you take a step to heal yourself of what was done to you, THEY LOSE and YOU WIN.
My most sincere best wishes to you
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