I married into a narcissistic family, and it has been a nightmare and the worst experience of my life. 7 years later, I’ve distanced myself from them, and that is all you can do, but the damage they have done to our marriage has affected us in so many ways that our relationship will never be 100%, but we make it work. It’s been a long struggle, and much counseling to make my husband realize things about his family that he never realized before. ... ... I’ve heard of narcissism, knew (or thought I knew) what it meant, but never understood the true meaning of the word until I met them and have ha ... [This message is long. Retrieve the whole message]
Domino, I didn't read your entire post, but I "get it" about this family. Because I didn't read the entire post, I'm unclear as to whether or not this "family" is cohabitating in this run-down house that you were pressured into buying, or if there are children as a result of your marriage.
I can't (and, won't) tell you what to do - you've engaged in counseling to save your marriage, but this marriage is doomed, regardless of how much counseling you've engaged in with your husband. He is allowing this abuse, and you clearly have a choice before you: stay and manage this misery until such time as your husband (and/or his family) calls it quits, or get the hell out and recover from these experiences before you get involved in an extramarital affair or choose another narcissist. That's it.
If there are children as a result of this marriage, you have my most heartfelt pity because those children will (without fail) be raised to become perfect narcissists, themselves, or perfect victims.
From my personal experiences, my own past issues (from early childhood, on) are directly related to the sociopaths that I ended up marrying during the past 30 years. The first one was abusive on every level, and the second one was a seemingly benign predator that married me for my money and maintained a deviant, violent sexua| "double-life" that was exposed over a year ago. The financial frauds that the second exspath included coercion, forgeries, and raiding of my private investments. Because I did not understand myself, first, I did not understand the set up and long-con of this second exspath which has resulted in life being utterly destroyed. Financially, spiritually, sexually, emotionally, and physically, I was left completely dismantled.
Having typed that, this whole-self devastation has resulted in my determination to learn from these experiences and to educate others about what sociopathy is, who a sociopath might be, and how to protect one's Self (Self = soul) from experiencing the same devastation that I have. This is my opportunity to learn about boundaries and construct them. This is also my opportunity to recognize that I do not (do not) have to tolerate anyone's "bad behaviors" because I crave approval and acceptance. I am learning to validate myself so that I can choose whether or not to "trust" another human being. I do not "feel" obligated to tolerate any type of behavior that I find inappropriate, distasteful, dishonest, or harmful to me or others. Although I'm recovering and I'll be okay, in due time, I would not wish my experiences upon another human being, even the predatory exspath that destroyed my life.
The family dynamics of your husband echoes that of the second predatory exspath, and these dynamics will never, ever, EVER change. Certainly, there is an "environmental" influence, but there are also questions about the role that genetics plays in sociopathic tendencies. Some of the behaviors and actions that you're describing are hard-core sociopathic tendencies, and there is no "safe" or "successful" method of managing these tendencies. Sociopathy cannot be medicated, surgically removed, counseled away, or spiritually zapped. It is a lifelong and terminal disorder that results in damages, across the boards.
Visit the following website to learn more about sociopathy and recovery: www.lovefraud.com
I wish you the very best.
EDIT ADD: Domino, I went back and read over your post and it seems that you did not produce children within this marriage. A very wise decision. But, what I also am reading is that you believe that the marriage is "strong" and that you will "make it work." I would urge you to visit the website that I posted, above, and learn more about your situation. The marriage isn't "strong," by any stretch of the imagination, and the only thing that seems to be "working" in overdrive is the blatant abuse that you're enduring and tolerating to please the husband and his family.
There are very few things in this lifetime that are a certainty. But, what is vital for you to accept is that, the more years that go by, the more damages you will suffer regardless of whom is perpetrating the damages. The family dynamics that you're describing are almost carbon-copied of the ones that I experienced with the second exspath, and these people (and, their son) are never, ever going to change.
Ur husbands family are grandiose npd. Reading ur story i can see u r a strong woman. I m so happy for u that ur husband was not a npd himself n he was willing to get jelp. I have never shared my story n i am still not free... I wld like to share my story in hopes that it may help someone else. I m 56 and i have been dealing with this cruel, pathological nothing for 38 yrs. I will have to finish my story at a later date. I have to run out. But God Bless U.
Why would my beautiful daughter Marry a man like this ... And then go on to have three kids he is ...
Why would my beautiful daughter Marry a man like this ... And then go on to have three kids he is a narcissist sociopaths he devoured my daughter self-esteem and He is now moved on and doing it to his children she's left him and is living here with us my husband And I but there has been so much damage to these kids already I don't know how to deal with my grandkids anymore ! When I used to go to my daughters house to help and visit I was more like the happy go lucky grandma who played with them but now that they are living here I understand what my daughter was trying to tell me that the minute I leave they all start acting bad and I can only associate it with the way my son in law treats my daughter I front of them they have no respect for her because of him and no that she is not there to monitor what goes on at his house when he had the kids it's really difficult to understand why the come back so different ! This morning he was supposed to pick the kids up at 12 normally he's late we asked if we could have them a 1:3 more to take them out for beackfast of course he made it a huge issue on the phone but we took the kids out anyway cause technically he could have six but my daughter dor t want any trouble ! Well he came storming into the restaurant and pointed his finger at the kids and said you guys have 10 min you hear! They all stopped eating with Such terror on there faces all of them Look scared this broke my heart they are small to deal with this 8,7,5 the 5 yr old girl is taking it the worst ! I don't know what I can do to help my daughter and here kids ?
You just described the hell I am going through like a fly on the wall. My situation isn’t nearly a...
You just described the hell I am going through like a fly on the wall. My situation isn't nearly as bad only because we haven't married. One reason is he's in a divorce currently with also a narc.( I'll use this abbreviation) when referring to the toxic people. I had no idea what in Gods name was so wrong with this " family" until I stumbled onto a Dr.Phil show this summer. Its like a light went on. A light house sized light. I am actually better at dealing with it all since I at least know what the hell is up with them. It helps very much to just read about the traits and reasons. I'm a digger for knowledge. Id rather know the truth than a pretty painted version which is the complete opposite of a narc. The "sweep it under the carpet"doesn't fly with me. The ordeal began the first day I met his family. The day
they bombarded us like a reunion. It has been my understanding to run for my life. Staying neutral at all cost. Unfortunately I hide more than I run. Running only gives them further fuel. I don't like using the word " hate", but it evokes hatred when I am near or hear anything about his ex or his family. Including his narc kids. I'm in limbo of what to do. Questioning if I should end this relationship altogether. How long will I be able to stand it. Even knowing how these cult members are competes against my wits and what I should do about my relationship with him. Thank you for helping by sharing your horror.
I’m sorry that you are experiencing the drama\trauma of a dysfunctional family dynamic. But, I wi...
I'm sorry that you are experiencing the drama\trauma of a dysfunctional family dynamic. But, I will make a suggestion that getting out before you enter the legal and binding contract of marriage would be a very prudent consideration.
The first problem is that this guy is not yet divorced and the drama and trauma of the proceedings can actually BIND you to, and WITH someone that may be toxic to you. It's a very recognized condition called "trauma bond" by professionals.
I speak on this from 30 years of experiences with 2 vastly different ex spouses that were disordered. The longer we remain with these people, the more is at stake to lose. And, the most priceless loss of all is our own self esteem and self value.
Read my Curezone blog, "Coping With Betrayal," and accept that it is far better to be "alone" than to be reduced to rubble by another human being.
Marriage is a legal contract and a license to marry costs nothing compared to the trauma of a toxic or abusive relationship and the drama of a bitter divorce. Don't walk away ~ RUN!
Domino, ... I actually thought I might have wrote this myself. I actually checked to see if I did ...
I actually thought I might have wrote this myself. I actually checked to see if I did and forgot!
I used to feel the same way about NC. I was about a day away from demanding it, they disowned us, that includes my husband and our children, Their grandchildren.
What is sad, is when I look back, the day we were disowned was the happiest day of my life and I have children!
Do not ever EVER feel guilty for going NC. It is the only way to stop this.Stay Strong!
WOW. First I want to say thank you for taking the time to write your experience. It really helps t...
WOW. First I want to say thank you for taking the time to write your experience. It really helps those of us trying to make sense of very similar family dynamics. Your story was so similar to mine that it was scary.
I think the thing that people do not understand is how these people totally try and destroy your self image.
I came from an abusive childhood. My mother was very abusive when I was young. I feel in some ways it made me strong. I feel very intensely other people's pain and problems and I find that I am good at helping people. I am however too loyal, WAY too generous and sensitive and I have no idea who I am as a person. I was a prime target for this family.
My husband has many of the same issues that those who survive narcissists have. Low self esteem, can not make decisions save his soul, can not communicate well, immaturity. We saved each other, I believe, and are truly soul mates. My mother never turned on him. She was very satisfied to turn on me. So he was lucky. His parents and one sister has made my life a living hell from day one. However it has taken me almost 30 years (I met him when I was 16) to finally find myself and realize that I am not the bad person they say I am and it is THEIR problem. It still hurts and I am finding it hard to stand up for myself. They will never admit anything and it is always your problem if you stand up. They can say what ever they want about you but if you stand up they act like you are the living devil. This is what you have to realize about these narcs.
The passive aggressive behavior is the huge tip-off for avoiding these people from the beginning. You can have a wonderful relationship with a person from this background but know from the beginning that it will be hard and the most frustrating thing in your life. These Narcs reel you in with niceness and offer gifts, give you money, say wonderful things in front of your spouse but then the moment you leave the room you are viciously attacked. My husband still had a hard time believing that his parents and his one sister would say such things about me. Even when others confirm he still only saw how they fawned over me when he is around. I would suggest getting a very small tape recorder and leaving it in your purse to capture what they say when you and your spouse leave the room. Mine revealed to him some pretty horrific things and how they wished they could hire a hit man to get rid of me, I was a bad mother, bad wife, a stupid bimbo, how they wished they could replace me with this woman or that woman, etc. etc. All at the same time they lavished me with Christmas gifts. Said what an amazing cook I was, How pretty I was. Gave us a beautiful card with money in it for our anniversary saying how we were the prefect couple. It is these types of things that make you feel like you are going crazy. It is always two complete opposites. What they project to your spouse and what they project to everyone else or to you in private. When my father died they said horrible things to me in private but denied it when I told my husband and he confronted them. They find an excuse almost every single year to ban my birthday and give me the silent treatment. Everything I say and do are taken and twisted into something totally different and always bad.
The thing that is most puzzling to me is that his mother is paranoid beyond words. Is this a trait as well or what? If we go on vacation by ourselves she calls endlessly and seems extremely stressed and panicked like my husband is going to die or something. When we went to my family reunion she almost had a nervous breakdown. She acted like my family was going to kill him and dump him in the river. My family adores my husband and we have a strong and very loving relationship. It is this "craziness" that you constantly deal with. It seems normal to your partner because they grew up with this and it is presented to them that they just worry about them and LOVE them so much.
The problem is that it sticks with you even when they are not around and this is the part that you must control. I started to feel like perhaps they were right, I was crazy! I was a bad mother and bad wife, a stupid looser. THIS is their tool of destruction, getting inside of your head. They get great pleasure out of trying to tear you down to a sub-human. You MUST see them for what they really are to heal from them. They are pathetic, sad and very lonely people. DO NOT give them sympathy because they will use it against you. DO NOT think you can talk to them or include them in your life. They will turn everything you do or say around. DO NOT express your hopes and dreams or personal feelings. They LOVE to use these against you. You can not reason nor ever be accepted by them. The best you can hope for is that your spouse will choose you and stand up for you and distance you from them. My husband says now to only talk "Fluff" to them and think of it as a small moment of time. This helps.
They are very very unhappy people. Sometimes I get scared of them because his mother and his father have threatened me and the "hit man" comment so I do stand on guard with them and make it perfectly clear that if they ever threaten me again that my family will take it into their hands. Get your family to back you. The one thing I have learned is that they are cowards face to face and because they are so paranoid you can at least back them off with face to face confrontation, specially with a group of family or friends at your back.
God bless to all who have to deal with these people. They are frauds and completely emotionally void humans. The tell tail comment that I hold dear to my sanity is when my Mother-in-law told everyone how she "HATES when I always say I love things." I love your dress, I love this turkey, I love the day, the snow, etc. etc. Even though she says she loves things all the time somehow my love of life absolutely kills her. They are huge HATERS and they specially hate people who love life and are happy. It mirrors to them how pathetic and unhappy they really are.
Nothing staying home in the evening but I thought I would come by and bring you present ... Name ...
Nothing staying home in the evening but I thought I would come by and bring you present ... Name Of Stone ... ... INFORMATION ON STONE ... ... Agate ... ... Agate is good protective energy stone, especially for children, and is very calming and soothing. It also can help strengthen the body’s connection to the earth. It can give courage, energy, strength, and dispels fears, all of which increase self-confidence. It can also lessen feelings of envy by grounding the emotions. It is a stone of harmony, and by bringing the elements of one’s being into harmony it greatly enhances healing. Agate also enhances cr ... [This message is long. Retrieve the whole message]
Support and strength for leaving narcisstic husband
Hello, I am new to this forum and really have never done this before, but I am so needing support of people who understand.
I've been married to my husband going on 10 years...once I found out he was cheating on me(8 yrs into the marriage) and trying to find out why, I come across narcissistic and this is him to a tee. I never even kne what it was and oh my god!!!! I immediately filed for divorce when I found out about the cheating but yea, he put on the charm and reeled me back in. Now we're going on 10 years and everything is all about him and his world and he just don't care about me, just my little money I make I suppose. I am miserable and just a shell of the person I used to be and want out!! I needs words of support and advice, I cry all the time and don't know why I just can't get up the nerve to leave. I know he will fly into a tantrum and start yelling and putting me down but I'm used to that anyways....I'm sorry if this is all mumble jumble.....any words of wisdom out there plzzzzz
Ending a marriage with a disordered individual requires hitting the bottom of Life's barrel. When I realized that I simply didn't want to wake up, anymore, I determined to end my first marriage with an extremely abusive spouse. And, I produced children with this individual which made the whole process very, very ugly.
The websites and articles above are only 5 of hundreds of thousands on the subject of ending a toxic relationship. If it is a contract of marriage that must be dissolved, then it is strongly encouraged to seek individual counseling therapy to prepare for the break and recover (and, heal) from the traumas of 10 years with a narcissist. It's significant damage, too - it's something that we can overcome and process, but there has to be a deep commitment and tireless diligence to this endeavor. There is no one-and-done way to end a toxic relationship and recover from it.
One step at a time. First, I would encourage you to find a counseling therapist. Begin your sessions and start to prepare to leave.
Then, I would encourage you to make yourself as emotionally distant from this man as you possibly can - make yourself boring, unemotional, and NON-reactive. Narcissists do things to control other people - they get a sense of power if they can manipulate people, so no reaction shuts them down.
THEN - after starting counseling therapy, I would strongly encourage a consultation with the best divorce attorney that you can find. Call your regional Bar Association and ask for names of very focused divorce attorneys. Your attorney will advise you on the laws where you live and what you will (and, will not) be entitled to in the divorce. You can petition the Court to have the ex-husband pay some or all of your attorney fees, depending upon the laws where you live.
Finally, I would strongly caution you to avoid involving yourself in a "new" relationship until you are well and truly upon your individual healing path. This means, 2 years after your divorce is final, in my estimation. It takes that long just to identify whatever issues that we had to allow us to choose toxic partners (and, friends) in the first place.
This isn't easy. It isn't simple. It certainly isn't painless. But, severing a relationship with a narcissist and healing from that experience is one of the best things that an individual can do for themselves - there is a Good World out there with Good People. It doesn't have to be misery and fear. And, those things do not just disappear - we need experienced guides to help us to process the fear and misery and make room for a stronger, wiser, and more self-confident "Self."
Thanks so much for the feedback and advice soulful survivor. I do think I need some professional ...
Thanks so much for the feedback and advice soulful survivor. I do think I need some professional help for sure. I've hit rock bottom and feel no emotion anymore, just numb and sadness. Thank God we have no children together...him 2 girls from previous relationships, me, 2 wonderful grown men from previous relationship. I don't think they much like him too much but try to "get along" for moms sake. I do not burden my family with my problems but I'm sure they are aware that I'm not happy and a totally different person over these last 10 years. I am going to read all the links you've so kindly attached and hopefully look forward to a more happier me in the future.....Oh the stress!!! I really appreciate you, just to know I'm not alone helps....your an angel, thank you....
15 years ago I was emotionally victimized by a sociopath/narcissist after what I originally thought was a romantic relationship. It was a truly horrible experience, but I eventually healed and moved on with my life.
But every few years he resurfaces in hopes of reeling me in again. Emails, phone calls. I've never picked up the phone or answered the emails but it stirs up my trauma all over again and takes weeks or months for it to subside.
I've moved away and have a new unlisted number, but due to my career I am very visible on social media and the internet. He is impossible to block with a variety of emails.
He is back again, trying to connect with me on facebook, linkedin and email. And I am a wreck. My question - do I continue to ignore him and know that he will do the same think down the road, over and over, and I will continue to be traumatized? Or is there some way I can respond whereby he will finally give up? The thought of dealing with this for the rest of my life leaves me terrified.
......he wins. And, that's all that this fellow is interested in: winning.
If you are experiencing extreme anxiety from this, it might be a very good option to consider some counseling therapy just to help you get your bearings straight, and to learn coping and management techniques. Once your confidence increases as you gain management of this anxiety and fear, you response (or, non-resopnse) will be comfortable and he won't matter.
For now, ANY response will be giving him what he wants. I read that you're unable to block all of his emails, and that is truly a shame. But, you can ignore his attempts to contact you, on every level. Don't even read them - I know it's a challenge to simply delete them, but once you do it a few times, that will become easier and easier to do.
I am SO sorry that you're experiencing this and, please, understand that your reaction to this is very typical for those of us who have experienced trauma, particularly when it is the individual who caused the trauma that's trying to get back in.
Brightest blessings of courage and comfort to you.
Hello. I'm in a desperate situation, married since 6 years with 2 children ( 8 m and 3 y). The life with my husband is at the moment a living hell. I want to divorce him but I can't because of financial reason( he is the provider and I'm a home staying mom) and because I'm afraid I will loose my children duo his lies and manipulation. I'm also in his country with few friends but no family. His family support him and believe all the lies he is telling them. His parents even have pushed me away in our apartment a few days ago, while having my daughter in the arms. I can't tell nobody about this as I have no prove and nobody would believe me the nice old people could be capable of such things.
Anyways, after reading more about narcissist condition I do find my husband fiting into this personality : all he cares is to win, he belittled me, treat me like a sclave, try to alienate our daughter against me, have no remorse, no shame, no quilt, he cheated I supposed many times although I didn't catch him exactly cheating but I found messages, sex forums, secretaries, teen p 0 r n,he tried to have affairs with 3 secretaries but each time he denied and told me I'm crazy and paranoia. I suppose he have an affair or flirt with one of his secretary at the moment as the together living had started to drastically degraded since January when she came in his office. Since then the life is a roller coaster with ups and downs. 2 weeks ago died my father and I traveled to prepare his funeral witch was a totally disaster. He told me I'm only stress for him, accused me of having abandoned my children and went to bury a man is already dead since 3 months ( he was in vegetative state for 3 months). From the moment I left the house to drive to airport he called me once letting me hear how my baby cries and he didn't want to pick up the phone 2 days while I was abroad. I manage to speak with him only throw my cleaning lady and that was it, no answer, I didn't know nothing of my children, I got the totally silent treatment like each time something is not in his convenience. I was so upset that I come back and didn't attend the funeral. At home was a disaster. He told my daughter I'm a bad mom for having abandoned her and her brother, he told the same to his parents, that I did not organized nothing and left after half hour I found my father died ( of course was a lie, I asked if I should take the children although he never allowed me to travel with them visiting my parents and country( not alone not with them), I asked him if the babysitter should come, I told him she will anyway come the next day and he shouted and declined everything. Then he lied to his parents that I abandoned them, that I didn't call and many more.
He lately treat me like a sclave that must take care of house, children... I can't go out half an hour because he calls and shout to come back and take care of children because they cry.
My dilemma regarding if he suffer or not from narcissist disorder is because he loves the children, doesn't treat them ugly but he doesn't like to do much with them. He speak lovely and make things only a few minutes and while lying in bed, NEVER outside bed. Ignores them if they want something from him while he is busy ( writing on Facebook most of the time offending EVERYONE does not agree with him, playing on computer, smocking). He makes things with them as long as it fits his wishes. He won't most of the time go to buy breakfast if they are hungry , won't bring our daughter to kindergarten if he has no appointment in the office at 9-10 am ( he wanted to let her home because he doesn't want his daughter telling him when he must wake up and go to work...). He would even ignore or don't want to hold them in the arms when he is offering me the silent treatment ( I suppose because he want to punish me having to do EVERYTHING alone). BUT, he is not ugly verbally with them. What do you think?
I'm so desperate, stressed and I really make an effort to stay sane because my children need me.
I apologize for my bad English, but is not my language.
You are living in an abusive relationship and your children are learning how to be abusive by watching the interactions between you and their father.
White Shark is spot-on. Get out, regardless of money. Money will not ever buy this man a conscience, nor will it ever buy you and your children safety. There are agencies and organizations that will help you and your children to get on your feet.
Additionally, avoid ALL relationships for a couple of years after you've been legally divorced. Get involved in some counseling therapy to learn how to make strong choices for yourself and your children.
I lost everything that I owned and ended up homeless, very, very sick, and without any means of income when I ended my second marriage. I learned that the ex spouse had raided my private investments and that I would never recover a dime from him. I have lived in poverty ever since. BUT..........I am not afraid, I don't have to beg anyone else for my needs to be met, and I am well on my healing path after intensive therapy and the hard work to get there. You (and, anyone else) can do this, too. Don't allow money and / or security to be the reason to remain in an abusive environment. NOTHING is worth that.......your children will either develop into perfect victims, themselves, or abusers like their father. If they see that you make wise decisions and are willing to sacrifice material things in order to preserve your health and theirs, it will make an impact upon them - that women aren't objects to be used or abused.
Then......there's the very distinct possibility that he will eventually be arrested and charged with some type of sex crime. So, get rid of him, now, before he takes you and your children down the toilette with him.