I am so sorry that you are experiencing these trust-shattering experiences. You've had some superb advice - ACT ON IT, NOW. Don't wait for "something" to happen or for someone to make the call for you. Call Child Protective Services, immediately, and they will contact the police. A full investigation will be conducted and this will include a physical exam. Retrieve any/all physical evidence that may still exist, if you can.
You're a brave person to put your experiences into words and your courage will see you through this horrible part of your life safely and securely onto your healing path. Something that you may want to keep in mind is that your mother is probably being abused, as well. She may be turning a "blind eye" to what's been happening to you because she's probably been threatened that you will be taken away from her, forever, if she does ANYthing that might get this rat-bastid into prison. This is a threat that many abusers use to make sure that there is no interference in their heinous activities.
Take heart, dear one. As I said, you're very brave and this courage will help you to process all that's happened to you. You did nothing to deserve it, and you're NOT a bad person because this monster did what he did to you. You are not responsible for the actions of another adult. This person did all of this to you because he could - that's the only reason. Now, get on the phone, contact CPS, tell them EVERYTHING, and you and your mother will be taken to safety, and the rotten catfish will be thrown into jail.
My most sincere best wishes to you!
I agree with Seek2b - thank God, The Great Creator, Jehovah, Mohammed, Buddah, or any other name you wish to choose. Someone took a courageous leap and made the call that was needed. Yes, there are many unpleasant challenges ahead of you, but you will - WILL - take them on and put these episodes in perspective.
I'm going to try to explain some things that might help ease your mind:
#1 - You did nothing to deserve what was done to you. You didn't "ask" for it, and you didn't want it. The man that did this to you is a monster, regardless of whether he seemed to make your mother happy, or not. He is a monster. A monster. SAY IT OUT LOUD - HE IS A MONSTER.
#2 - What he did to you may be legally termed a sexua| crime, but his actions had little to do with sex. Rape is not about sex. It's about control and ownership. This is a fact and anyone who has the nerve to call you names because you were victimized would be doing so out of fear - fear that such a horrible thing could happen to the, as well. If anyone calls you ugly names, walk away from them and pity them for their stupidity. Yes, you're allowed to be angry, but don't take that anger out on others or it will make you no better than that monster. You cannot control what other people are going to think, believe, or say.
#3 - Your mother is sad because (speaking from personal experience with abuse) she feels responsible for what happened to you and she feels that she failed you in the worst way that a parent can - she failed to protect you, she failed to recognize a monsterous predator, and she failed to stop what was happening. She trusted this THING, and her trust was shattered, and her confidence as a protector and nurturing parent has also been shattered. This is how she feels.
#4 - Intensive therapy is strongly and urgently suggested for both you and your mother so that you each can heal from this horrible breach in trust, and to prepare for the events which will follow.
Get mad at this man. You'll probably never know what went on behind closed doors, but chances are that your mother endured some type of abusive treatment, as well. You have an opportunity to stop this man from ever doing this type of thing to another human being, and you also have the opportunity to advocate for other victims of such crimes once your feet have settled firmly on your own healing path.
Remember this, always: you cannot control anything else in the Universe except you. You couldn't stop that monster, so please forgive yourself and don't dare carry any guilt for what he did to you. YOU are the victim and HE is the perpetrator - it wouldn't be any different had he beaten you on a regular basis, and our society tends to place a great deal of emphasis on rape as being sexually motivated, which is simply not true. You can't heal your mother, either. She is going to have to face down her own demons, or not. But, you, dear heart, are a brave, strong, and valuable human being and this experience does not have to define who you are for the rest of your life if you refuse to allow it to.
May you find peace, comfort, and strength in the days, weeks, and months to come, and may you be a beacon of hope to other victims. God bless you.
BlueRose, it's wonderful to "see" you - I've missed your presence on CZ for a long, long time!
Yes, it's an older thread, but judging by the number of responses that the original message generated, I hope that all of the info has been helpful (or, HOPEful) to others in dire need.
Again..........it's so good to see you, BlueRose. Looking forward to some of your responses! :-D
Wow....I cannot tell you how relieved I am for you, J. In most cases, parents (especially, single parents) will understand what has happened to their child, though there are some that take the side of the abuser/rapist. I truly pity those parents and the innocent victims.
You are a valuable human being and you have something very important to do in your lifetime. I don't know what it is, and I can't say if it will tie into your terrible experiences. What I do know is that a child as brave, honest, and courageous as you are has "Something Important To Do."
Blessings upon your mother - I can imagine her sense of guilt because I carried my own for what happened to my sons for many, many years. Thank goodness you're both in counseling - she will have her own healing to do, and you yours. You will not be able to heal for her, but she'll lean on you a great deal in months to come for a great many reasons. Never be tempted to speak accusingly to her about your horrific ordeal, no matter how angry you get with her. When it comes to that point in your healing, scream it at your counselor and get it out, but never use this against your mother to get even or deliberately harm her. I have a feeling that you wouldn't do this, but it's just a reminder to you.
As for feeling dirty? You're allowed to - what that Thing did to you was cruel, sick, and he'll get what's coming to him when he enters prison, I promise you. Having said that, keep in mind that what he DID was filthy, but you, dear child, are not dirty, at all. These feelings are normal and will soon be replaced by understanding and acceptance that you were the victim of a sadistic Rat Sh*t - you will come to terms with these feelings, in due time, and move forward on a positive healing path.
There is NO DIFFERENCE between a male or female victim. The only difference is gender. A victim is a victim, and I'll say that it is a personal mandate for me to respond to people who have suffered cruelties at the hands of another human being, regardless of gender, race, creed, sexua| orientation, etc. If just one person breaks the cycle of violence and abuse, that's one person out of that wheel and, one day, the cycle of violence and abuse will collapse as a socially accepted behavior.
As Blue Rose has asked, please post back as time goes on. And, always remember: you are a very valued and loved human being, and you have something important to do in your lifetime.
Brightest healing blessings to you and your mom.
Hello Sweetie, my name's Jess, I am 14 also, and i am a girl, i cannot image what kind of hell you are going through with this monster rapist you are having to live with.
My mum is a nurse, so i do know a bit about bodily health.
I just wanna say first, it is important to know that NONE of this is your fault at all !!! Xxx you are the victim here, and i am soooo sorry for you that you have had to have this happen to you in your life. But to answer your questions,:
1. Yes, You can get infections and diseases from sex. They are called STI's (Sexually Transmitted Infection) or STD's (Sexually Transmitted Disease) they can be quiet nasty and can cause serious damage... BUT!, I am pretty sure you don't have one, Because...
2. It is normally for a man to blead from you back passage after he had experienced rough anal sex or rape. You'd be surprised how common it is actually, you know, even a girl blead from her privates the first time she is penetrated (experiences sex) you are also in pain because you are definatly not used to anal penetration, and i take it no form of condom or lubrication was used, (what gay men used to have sex) witch would make it even more painful :'( . So Sorry For You xxx
3. Bye the way, Have you ever heard of the drug, Codeine Or Co - Codimals ??? They would help a lot with the pain, trust me, i have a lot of long term medical problem (i've had all my life) and i am in pain quite a bit, and they really help, they are almost as strong as morphine! Just tell your mum u have a headache or something, and ask her to get u it, but eat a cracker first, they can be harsh on the stomach, and u could put a cream called Germoliene (Ger - Mo - Lean) not sure of spelling, on, it would help with the soar ness, it has annastetic in it.
4. I live in england, not sure about you, but, we have a new law over here that my social worker told me about and it means 14 year olds can go to the doctor by themselfs without there parents finding out, so, for instance, girls or boys can get the pill or condoms without there parents knowing, maybe you have something like that where you live, you prob can go docs by yourself, google it for your area. Xxx
5. This is not your fault, you do not have to live or put up with this there is a helpline that you can call called childline, there number is 0800 11111, there conversations are completely confidential, they wont tell anyone about what u have said, unless you tell them to, you can also ask them to just pick you up and they will just say, "I'm 14, I've been raped, I'm physically hert, i need help, please come and get me!" and they will xxx.
I really hope i have helped you, and if you have any other Questions DO NOT hesitate to ask me, I'll make my email vis sable to you. Hope I here back from you soon when things have improved for you xxxx i'm sending my love sweetie, xxx ask for help, and stay strong xxxxx
Love Jess xxx
This post is over 4 years old. Also, I wish to caution ANYONE with regard to responding to any solicitation to call or email ANYONE to "talk" about personal trauma. It could be totally innocent. Then again, it could be totally PREDATORY.
I heard your story JTM14, I dont know how to express my emotions to you. when I read your story, I broke down crying, I am so sorry for what happened to you when you were 14. I am very hopefull that you are okay now. The story got in to right at my heart and I feel for you. I feel sadness, empathy for you. What happened to you is not right and it should never happen to a 14 year old boy. The tress and trauma you went through must been unexpressible. I wish I was there with you at that time and I wish I cold hold you tight, and hugg your very much and never let you go. I hope to to this day, on this day that you are still alive and well. I want to be wth you and hug you and comfort you and everything and anything for you. The horror of reading this story touched me and I have been thinking and thinking about it over and over. I hope you can email me privatly to talk more. I can tell you that your not alone, I was sexually asullted when I was five till I was 7 1/2. I know what you feel and the pain your gong through. The PTSD and Anxiaty is a total stresser. I have depression and I treid to kill myself at least 7 times now. I hope you pulled through this tramatic time in your life and I hope very much that your happier to this day and many days to come. My best wishes and luck to you JTM14.
PS - Please email me to talk more, I would love to chat with you.
"Women who do this to men in order to get custody of children are the worst sickos imaginable as it puts down on EVERYONE's claim of this type of abuse."
I went through that as a thirteen year old. Was never taken to the police, but I had to live with family, particularly a mother who believed what my ex-sister-in-law accused me of (who at age twenty-five had taken me to bed with her six months earlier and there was no way that I could confide that with anyone in those days). It changed my life - forever. I learned a new level of hate, and eventually one of forgiveness too.
My story on cure zone is at:
It does happen, and it is not uncommon today in divorce cases.
To address each individual who has experienced the betrayal of such allegations, I offer my most sincere compassion - being falsely accused can create a lifetime of misery, as we often see in the news.
There is no simple or easy way to just "let it go" when someone commits such a grievous betrayal, and it takes time, effort, and a lot of discussion to sort it all out. Why do people do these types of things in the first place? The answer is that they do them simply because they can. If someone is willing to falsely accuse another human being of serious crimes, the accuser is 100% disordered and cannot be reasoned with.
I would strongly urge each person who has had such an experience to seek out a counseling therapist that specializes in trauma. I type this, frequently, because I believe that any trauma that is life-altering will either evlove into a personal definition, or be made into an event that happened, and is now in the past. The second outcome occurs very infrequently because it requires a tremendous amount of support, encouragement, and compassion from a network of other human beings, and most people just don't understand how far-reaching false allegations can reach.
Finding a counseling therapist that specializes in trauma might not be as simple as it reads when I type that suggestion. One might have to try out various counselors until they find one that is dedicated and mature in their counseling techniques and approaches. One of the indicators of a "mature" counselor would be someone who is practicing in a VERY small environment - either with another counselor, or in their own practice. Counseling therapists that are practicing in large agencies are typically over-worked, frustrated, and jumping through the hoops to simply get the experience necessary to begin their own practices.
So, bottom line: people are falsely accused of crimes, every day, and there is no way to stop disordered people from using/abusing the legal system to see to their own needs. There isn't. Family Courts are choked with absurd cases and outrageous claims.......so, accepting that this happens, regardless of why it does, is opening the door to recovery. Get help. Get help from whatever resources are available and do not allow the actions of a disordered human being to define who you are.
No, it's not easy or simple to manage such situations - I know from my own experiences how deeply false allegations can go.
I'm very sorry to read of your experiences, but there are a couple of things that need clarification, here.
1. You are cohabitating with the soon-to-be-ex-wife who is taking a host of prescribed and street drugs for what purpose?
2. You are sleeping in the same bed with this person that you are divorcing? Why?
3. Are there children involved in this mess?
The best suggestion that I can offer you is for you to get involved in some serious counseling therapy, hire a strong divorce attorney, hire a criminal defense attorney, and MOVE OUT. If there are children involved, file for full custody of them, unless you're using street drugs, as well.
This is not going to end well, even under the best of circumstances. The situation is a mess that is exacerbated by drug use/abuse, and sleeping in the same bed with the very person that you're separating/divorcing.
Best wishes to you on this difficult journey.
.......all of the time, unfortunately. From what you've typed, she didn't discuss her concerns with you, at all, and just resorted to ending everything by involving the police and an accusation of rape. I am so, so sorry that this happened to you, particularly when you were led to believe that a reconciliation was on the horizon. EUGH........
So, as a doctor, you're aware that the drugs that she has been prescribed have a purpose - it may be helpful for you to examine the dynamics of the relationship, along with her patterns of behavior. Was there deception? Were there secrets being kept? Were there manipulations? What were HER symptoms, and what were your responses?
Like I typed, I would strongly recommend strong counseling therapy, hiring a very strong attorney, and finding out everything that you can about her allegations against you. You may not have a choice as to whether or not you return to CO. What about your clients/patients?! If you're practicing, do you believe that it's okay to abandon those obligations just to get away from a bad situation? I ask these questions simply because I've experienced my own legal issues and 2 divorces from 2 very different spouses that had the same intent: to harm.
Read back over some of my older posts - particularly from around 2 1/2 years ago. My CureZone blog, "Coping With Betrayal," and you may read some things that resonate.
Best wishes to you during this challenging time.
I'm sorry that this happened. Sadly, adults often view children as nothing more important than tools to control and/or manipulate. When people separate/divorce, it should be a criminal offense to include innocent children in the business of their adult parents. But, it isn't a crime, and the only way to approach this issue is to separate all emotions/feelings from the equation.
Having typed that, this does not suggest that you and your husband don't have feelings and emotions about this (and any other) situation, but those feelings and emotions need to be expressed in a safe, healthy manner FAR away from any/all children involved.
There is absolutely no way to predict what will happen, next, if anything. It may be that the whole matter has been resolved and is over, for the time being. Attempting to predict the "next move" will create undue anxiety. Talk to one another about the situation(s), but keep the children literally OUT of all discussions. They don't need to know about this kind of stuff, and they are not emotionally and physiologically able to process adult issues. They aren't.
Good luck to you, and you may wish to visit these sites that discuss "Gray Rock" and other methods to deal with these kinds of events:
Domino, I didn't read your entire post, but I "get it" about this family. Because I didn't read the entire post, I'm unclear as to whether or not this "family" is cohabitating in this run-down house that you were pressured into buying, or if there are children as a result of your marriage.
I can't (and, won't) tell you what to do - you've engaged in counseling to save your marriage, but this marriage is doomed, regardless of how much counseling you've engaged in with your husband. He is allowing this abuse, and you clearly have a choice before you: stay and manage this misery until such time as your husband (and/or his family) calls it quits, or get the hell out and recover from these experiences before you get involved in an extramarital affair or choose another narcissist. That's it.
If there are children as a result of this marriage, you have my most heartfelt pity because those children will (without fail) be raised to become perfect narcissists, themselves, or perfect victims.
From my personal experiences, my own past issues (from early childhood, on) are directly related to the sociopaths that I ended up marrying during the past 30 years. The first one was abusive on every level, and the second one was a seemingly benign predator that married me for my money and maintained a deviant, violent sexua| "double-life" that was exposed over a year ago. The financial frauds that the second exspath included coercion, forgeries, and raiding of my private investments. Because I did not understand myself, first, I did not understand the set up and long-con of this second exspath which has resulted in life being utterly destroyed. Financially, spiritually, sexually, emotionally, and physically, I was left completely dismantled.
Having typed that, this whole-self devastation has resulted in my determination to learn from these experiences and to educate others about what sociopathy is, who a sociopath might be, and how to protect one's Self (Self = soul) from experiencing the same devastation that I have. This is my opportunity to learn about boundaries and construct them. This is also my opportunity to recognize that I do not (do not) have to tolerate anyone's "bad behaviors" because I crave approval and acceptance. I am learning to validate myself so that I can choose whether or not to "trust" another human being. I do not "feel" obligated to tolerate any type of behavior that I find inappropriate, distasteful, dishonest, or harmful to me or others. Although I'm recovering and I'll be okay, in due time, I would not wish my experiences upon another human being, even the predatory exspath that destroyed my life.
The family dynamics of your husband echoes that of the second predatory exspath, and these dynamics will never, ever, EVER change. Certainly, there is an "environmental" influence, but there are also questions about the role that genetics plays in sociopathic tendencies. Some of the behaviors and actions that you're describing are hard-core sociopathic tendencies, and there is no "safe" or "successful" method of managing these tendencies. Sociopathy cannot be medicated, surgically removed, counseled away, or spiritually zapped. It is a lifelong and terminal disorder that results in damages, across the boards.
Visit the following website to learn more about sociopathy and recovery: www.lovefraud.com
I wish you the very best.
EDIT ADD: Domino, I went back and read over your post and it seems that you did not produce children within this marriage. A very wise decision. But, what I also am reading is that you believe that the marriage is "strong" and that you will "make it work." I would urge you to visit the website that I posted, above, and learn more about your situation. The marriage isn't "strong," by any stretch of the imagination, and the only thing that seems to be "working" in overdrive is the blatant abuse that you're enduring and tolerating to please the husband and his family.
There are very few things in this lifetime that are a certainty. But, what is vital for you to accept is that, the more years that go by, the more damages you will suffer regardless of whom is perpetrating the damages. The family dynamics that you're describing are almost carbon-copied of the ones that I experienced with the second exspath, and these people (and, their son) are never, ever going to change.
Again, my most sincere best wishes to you.
Weary, I'm so sorry for your experiences.
Its sounds as if there are a number of toxic dynamics going on in this "family," from the MIL to the husband and on to the step-son. There is absolutely nothing that you can do to "save" this marriage. You can only "save" yourself. If, by chance, your own personal changes promote positive effects upon the relationships, then that's terrific and the marriage may become healthier, in due time. However, from what you typed, there is a reason that the first marriage ended in divorce, and probably not because of what your husband has told you. The dynamics of this family sound abusive, on every level. There is clearly an absence of boundaries, on every level. From the MIL to the stepson, it's no-holds-barred as far as inappropriate behaviors go.
I would gently suggest that you consider the option of individual counseling to learn techniques to manage this toxic environment as far as you are concerned. I would also contemplate the possibility of taking immediate actions to prevent further trampling of boundaries.
For instance, at 16, the stepson should be out working at a part-time job, preparing for college, engaging in extracurricular activities, and so forth. That he is addicted to video games is 100% the fault of his parents - video games, television, DVD's have ALL replaced healthy family interactions as a means of babysitting and managing children, today. If they're quiet and not causing problems, whatever they're doing on their computers doesn't matter in many, many families. This kid is going to be a burden if he isn't forced into some sort of "normal" pattern of behaviors. Is the stepson taking Ritalin or Adderal? Those drugs are other means of management to alleviate parents from taking a role in raising their offspring: if they're quiet, we don't care HOW that quiet is facilitated. Setting boundaries without saying, "These are your boundaries," will be difficult, at first, and absolutely cause problems, but the internet, cell phones, and all technological devices need to be EARNED. Kid wants internet? Then, he can darn well take out trash, mow the lawn, do the dishes, and begin changing his language BEFORE the internet is restored. Password protect the WiFi. Disconnect and store all video consoles away until they've been earned. TEACH this kid about rewards and consequences.
MIL is a different story. If she arrives unannounced, nobody answers the door. If she continues creating a scene, call the police and have her escorted from the property. Post a "NO TRESPASSING" sign on the porch at eye level so that there can be no questions. This woman has to earn the privilege of coming to your home.
This MIL is not going to change. The spouse is not going to change her. So, the choices are that you can remain in this environment and do nothing until you lose your mind. Or, you can remain in this environment and engage in individual counseling to learn positive steps that you can make to help yourself cope. Or, you can contemplate ending this contract of marriage. At any turn, none of the options are pleasant (as is often the case). So, whenever you have some moments of calm, quiet, and balance, it would be a good idea to contemplate these choices, write down your personal goals, and imagine (NOT PREDICT) what your life will be like 5 years from now, and then 10 years from now.
Also, please, consider the extreme levels of anxiety that you're experiencing within this whole family dynamic. Anxiety can cause dreadful physical, spiritual, and emotional issues, and this is why I suggest counseling - a trained professional can give you the tools that you need to cope and manage your situation.
Brightest blessings to you on this challenging journey.
I'm sorry that your friend is in this dreadful situation and that you are now a target. Has the woman been diagnosed Borderline, or do her behaviors fit the desscription? If she's been diagnosed, it will not end well. And, the only reason that I ask about diagnosis is that it would be important for him if he chooses to extract himself from this horrible situation.
Your friend is in deep trouble and he is the only person who can help himself. The only thing that you can really do are to protect yourself from this woman. Block her from your FB profile. You can do this by going to " ; S E T tings," then choose "Privacy," then choose the "Block" option.
As for your friend, I type that he is in "deep trouble," because he is. Borderlines can be the most volatile and violent of all the personality disorders. He has been sending very clear messages to this woman that her behaviors will be tolerated, that he is willing to accept her abuse, and that she is invited to remain in his life to act-out for as long as she wishes. There are several steps that this fellow is going to have to take if he wants to recover from this mess. Otherwise, he's going to end up either doing something that he's going to regret for the rest of his life, or he's going to become another statistic.
Always keeping the facts about Borderline in mind, it is vital to accept that they are what they are, that nothing will ever alter their behaviors and patterns, and that they are not only toxic, but they are dangerous. In the following order, your friend has the option of taking these steps in the order that they're listed to save himself, or not:
1. Call the police and file a report of domestic violence and abuse, ASAP. Laws have changed and a DV issue will require the police to remove the woman from his house, particularly if she's threatened to harm him, has harmed him, and is making threats.
2. Immediately file for an Order Of Protection, or Protection From Abuse, or whatever legal remedy his locality calls it. Immediately. This will allow for a "Temporary Restraining Order" to be issued. ***DO NOT WAIT to file for a Restraining Order*** To wait will allow this woman to continue the cycle.
3. Gather all documentation and willing witnesses to testify as to the facts of this woman's behaviors - facts and documentation, not how everyone is feeling about this woman's behaviors. Copy and print FB comments, threats, messages, texts, calls, voice-mails, etc. TAKE PHOTOS of injuries, scratches, bruises, etc.
4. Block this woman's ability to call, email, text message, access FB profiles, send FB messages, etc. NO EXCEPTIONS. Every means that this woman has to contact him should be addressed. Once the TRO (Temporary Restraining Order) has been issued, the police should be called each time there is an attempt to contact him in any manner. If she shows up at his place of employment, call the police, immediately. If she contacts a friend to pass along a message, contact the police, immediately. If she sends snail-mail, he is NOT to respond to it, but to file it along with other evidence.
5. Inform friends and family that this woman is not to be contacted, under any circumstances. She may NOT speak to them, send messages through them, etc. Everyone should block this woman from communicating with them, or contacting them.
Sadly, her behaviors need to be documented, but this is the ONLY way to manage this. And, he cannot react, reply, or respond to any of her attempts to contact him, ever.
Finally, it would be a very, very wise decision for your friend to get involved in some counseling therapy with someone who specializes in domestic violence and abuse, PTSD, etc. There are some very serious issues that this fellow needs to address and sort out before he gets into another relationship. To allow an abuser to remain in his dwelling after he "broke up" with her is an indication that he has some deep-seated issues. And, it would be very, very UNwise for him to begin or engage in any new relationships until he sorts some of this stuff out.
Bottom line for you, however, is that you can do nothing to "save" or "rescue" this fellow. To do so would only enable him to continue codependency. He is stuck in a dreadful cycle and nothing that you can do is going to end it. He's going to have to end it, himself. As far as you're concerned, this needs to be communicated to him in very clear language, "I really care about you and I'm concerned for what you're experiencing, but I will not risk my own safety, anymore. These are the things that you can do to help yourself."
NO, you're not abandoning this friend, but your own sanity is at stake, along with your personal safety. Borderlines can be very dangerous, manipulative, charming (when necessary), and violent. My eldest son is a Borderline Cluster B, and it is heartbreaking, sad, and frustrating, but I know what he is, what he has done, what he continues to do, and what he will likely do, so I am really not involved with him. A borderline will not stop unless they are fearful of prison or civil suits.
Be safe and brightest blessings to you, and to your friend.
Right. I feel that I "know" that there is something seriously wrong, but I'd like feedback and insight just to affirm my intuition, on this.
My eldest son has tried to make a turnaround, but he's still Borderline, and always will be. After his second marriage ended, he immediately hooked up with a young woman from Russia, online. He claims that they met on a political chat board, but I don't believe that any more than the moon is made of green cheese. Regardless, he went to Moscow on 3 occasions to hook up with this woman and finally brought her over to marry her.
On his dime, he transported her over here, has paid for her naturalization process, married her, etc. Now, she's in her 8th month of pregnancy, which was a "surprise" to my son, and she is behaving badly, IMHO.
It began when I met my son, last year, and he and I had a long, long talk about the past, and the present. When I met his Russian wife, I asked her many questions that were appropriate - I am the elder, here, and I asked questions about her plans, her goals, her homeland, etc., and she later complained that I had asked "awkward" questions.
Since she became pregnant, I had offered to help them both out when the baby was born, and the offer has been rejected, numerous times. "You don't need to help. We have a neighbor who will help." Then, I sent a birthday gift to this woman and she sent the gift back because they weren't skin-tight garments that she's accustomed to wearing - I thought that she'd want to be comfortable during the summer months of her preganancy, as anyone would, and this was not the case.
THEN, I sent baby clothing that I had found and received a message from her that, while she appreciated the clothes, they had enough and they wouldn't be using any baby clothes that were used, unless they "knew the baby that had worn them." They would not be accepting clothing that was "worn too much" or unwashed, unclean, etc., and that they would only be using new cloth diapers.
Whatever - I'd already accepted the fact that I will not be involved in my grandchild's life, and I'm not going to go screaming about grandparents' rights. It's a waste of time, money, energy, and emotions, and I cannot change this situation.
My concern is that this woman has scammed my son for a green card and citizenship in this country. He has paid for all phases of the naturalization processes, including trips to locations and the fees that accompany all of the paperwork. AND........this woman contacted me 2 years ago to complain of my son's abusive behaviors on both FaceBook and through her private Skype account. I believe that she's setting him up for a domestic violence / abuse complaint that will automatically guarantee her a green card, housing, welfare, and every other service to become a citizen, once the baby is born.
During these complaints over FB and Skype, she asked about previous relationships and my son's anger issues, to which I was open and honest about and suggested that she contact the Domestic Violence Hotline. She contacted my younger son in this very same manner at the same time, as well - I didn't know this until last night, and my younger son didn't know about her contacting me, either.
Any insights on this? I'm managing my concerns about this situation, but there is something very wrong with this whole situation, I can see it, I can smell it, and I can almost predict what's going to happen simply because of this woman's odd behaviors, etc. This is NOT a cultural misunderstanding as I know many, many immigrants who do not behave this way, and I have never had a gift given back to me or thoroughly criticized by anyone during my entire lifetime.
Thanks for any input!
To clarify: after the woman had contacte my younger son, and myself, she deleted both her FB page and her Skype account, and now communicates with her mother in Russia via some sort of Russian Skype Equivalent.
Suddenly, after the complaints, everything was wonderful.
During the Skype and FB communications, she asked about my eldest son's past and steroid use and clearly stated that they had been trying to concieve a baby, but had been unsuccessful. THEN, when she came up pregnant a few months ago, my eldest son said that the pregancy was completely unexpected.
Too many red flags are flapping, here, and I'm going to have to make some decisions about my own choices that will likely be unpleasant.
Thank you for the input, and I believe that I'm sticking with my intuition, here. In the past 5 years, I've done some serious personal recovery and realignments of my personal beliefs and effort to remain objective. The facts are the facts, and my youngest son is overwhelmed by the "possibility" that his sister-in-law "could be" a scammer. He acknowledges that this woman is behaving very badly, and has behaved very badly in the past.
Emotionally, I'm very sad about this situation - it's sad on every level and the baby is, indeed, my grandchild. I can only say this because my son and his wife do not spend a moment away from one another, and it's not the "healthy" kind of attachment. She doesn't work or even drive, and my son is disabled and has always been seriously isolated. It's very unhealthy, and I've read countless articles of how this will likely go down: he's a mess and she's going to accuse him of abuse and/or threats of violence. Because she's married to him, she'll be granted a green card as the baby is a born citizen, and she'll be eligible for every welfare program available, including legal aid. My son, on the other hand, will be forced to pay alimony and child support and there's nothing that I can do to prevent it. It is what it is.
Walking away from this situation is the only thing that I can do, practically speaking. And, I've been practicing separating my feelings from facts, and this situation is rotten from the gate.
I won't tell my son what I believe, or even hint at my concerns. It would only give him a cause to hold onto this sham of a marriage even tighter. Big, "ugh," here but it is what it is.
Thanks so much, BlueRose - it just is what it is, and there is absolutely nothing that I can do. Even contacting ICE won't have much impact because they're legally married, and that's how she got into the U.S. She didn't come over on a work visa, and that's enough of a red flag, right? Now that she's going to have a baby next month, that'll be the final thing that she'll need to finish her task.
I did a lot of research on this when this woman's behavior began to change, suddenly. Of course, I was verrrrry dubious about the whole thing from the beginning, but my son is a grown man, and he made this decision, himself. To interfere would only make matters worse. And, you know my history and the issues with this son from years back - it's not going to be pleasant.
So, I've accepted the situation as it is, and I realize that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to prevent the inevitable. (sigh) Oh, well.........
Good to "see" you, and I hope that all is well with you! Thanks, again!!!
Well.......I did contact this woman via an assertive (NOT angry) written message to indicate to her that returning gifts and criticizing / complaining about what was gifted is 100% unacceptable in this country. I also pointed out that grandparents are held in high esteem to do for their grandchildren as and how they can. I stated that she needed to contact me using her own email account, or Skype account, or even using her own cell phone, but that my son should not be the go-between.
I received an outrageous rant, this morning, from this woman. It was accusatory, ugly, and of the utmost disrespect imaginable. She went so far as to call me a "racist" with reference to a comment that I made that she didn't understand the customs of this country and that it might create problems for her in the future, since she didn't arrive in this country on a work or student visa - she came into this country strictly on a marriage visa, if there IS such a thing.
I do not care, one iota, about this woman, and my eldest son allowed this whole thing to blow up by misinforming this woman about his past, how many marriages he's had, what the circumstances were that ended each marriage, and that I had somehow had tried to interfere in his second marriage. I never spoke to his second wife and only met her on the occasion when I picked up my youngest son who had been living with them for a short time.
She is now in the TEXTBOOK final phase of isolating my son from his family, will be delivering this child, soon, and she will likely file charge of domestic abuse and/or violence once this child is born. Every aspect of this woman's behavior is listed by the US Embassy as patterns of green card scammers. From arriving in this country at my son's expense, to the marriage within 90 days, and the subsequent drama/trauma and unexpected pregnancy, this final effort to isolate is absolutely noted as predictable.
I am out. I am done. I cannot risk my progress for any man, woman, or child, and this whole episode has made me sick to my stomach.
This morning, I became very sad and angry about this woman's behaviors because I had kept up a false hope that both of my sons and I could enjoy a healthy relationship, finally. Well, that's just not the case. The eldest son is (as I mentioned) Borderline and Cluster B. He has extreme control and anger issues, is an admitted abuser, and he ended up marrying one just as devious as he is, if not more so.
So........a note to parents out there who are trying to mend fences with adult chidlren and feeling guilty for whatever rift that exists: if you have stood accountable for the mistakes that ALL parents make, including ones who escaped dysfunctional dynamics, and apologized to your adult child, you have done as much as you can. The rest is up to them because, as adults, they are making their own choices.
I still love my eldest son and care about his well-being, I will not be drawn into this mess, even if a grandchild is involved. I cannot allow myself to become attached to a human being that I will never have contact with.
Zahid Zadran, if you took the time to see how long ago this message was posted, you'd have noticed that it was nearly a decade ago. It also appears as if your response is intended to incite anger and outrage.
Incestual rape is not perpetrated strictly by Zionists. Rape is about control, humiliation, and degradation. This is why many of the Syrian "refugees" were raping women of their host countries - to "teach" the women that they are subserviant and that their appearances (dress, fashions, beliefs) did not adhere to the expectations of the "refugees." I am not talking about legitimate refugees fleeing for their lives. I'm talking about people that were sent out to spread hatred and fear.
"Just forget your past..." was your recommendation. This is not possible for an adult who experienced molestation, as a child. A child that is molested is 10 times more likely to develop into molesters, themselves. They are also more likely to remain locked in the role of "victim," for the rest of their lives unless (and, until) they seek intensive counseling therapy with a provider that specializes in child abuse, PTSD, and other special areas of practice. An adult who was molested as a child typically associates their own self worth with sex, rather than their intellect and talents that they were born with. The shame, pain, and humiliation that is heaped upon victims of childhood rape, molestation, and abuse will never be forgotten - those perceptions of powerlessness and helplessness are insidious and very challenging to manage.
On the postive side of this coin, you wrote, "You Are Really Brave You Can Change Your Life..." This is true for any survivor of childhood rape and ongoing molestation. There can absolutely be recovery and healing from dreadful experiences. A "victim" can evolve into a "survivor," and continue to shed the shame, degradation, and negative self-perceptions and simply emerge as a Human Being, without labels. But, this evolution takes tremendous courage, strength, resilience, diligence, and hard, hard work.
I am sorry that you're experiencing this. Domestic violence is domestic violence, regardless of gender, race, or any other demographic.
Go home, get back into school, get some counseling, and take control of your own life so that you won't choose (or, be chosen by) another abuser.
I stayed with an abuser for over 15 years, and then jumped right into another very, VERY toxic relationship that ended very badly (see blog "Coping With Betrayal"). I didn't have to live my life that way. I didn't know that there was a life that could be free of anxiety, self-doubt, self-loathing, and self-deprecation. But, there is a strong, healthy, balanced path. You just need to determine that you are absolutely worthy of living life, well. And, that means finding balance, calm, self-esteem, etc, not wealth or status.
Do something for yourself, now. There are FAR worse things than being "alone."
Brightest blessings to you
Perhaps, your parents became frustrated and angry and kicked you out. I don't know. But, my parents sent me to boarding school when they couldn't stand my acting-out any longer. My behaviors were outrageous and I was causing such stress that there were no other choices for them. I was forced to kick my eldest son out of my house because of his behaviors. He was 18 and he was acting-out much worse than I ever did. There came a point where I was afraid for my life. My job was suffering, my mind was suffering, and I had no other options. A part of me died, that day, and all I wanted from him was an acknowledgment that he had done specific things, a sincere apology, and a dedicated effort to pull himself together. He opted to remain stubborn.
Having typed that, if you return to your parents with the intention of pulling yourself together, sorting stuff out, and all of that, you might be surpirsed at the outcome. Shelters are not safe places and I believe that your life is well worth returning to your folks and making every effort to sort it all out.
In the meantime, you are not safe with this fellow. Same-sex domestic abuse and violence is much higher than current statistics reflect because of the stigma and fear of reporting abuse.
Contemplate where you want to be 5 years from now. Then, consider contacting your parents to begin sorting things out. I've been there, myself, and I've been a parent without options. It will NEVER, ever "get better" with this fellow because abuse only gets worse.
Again, blessings to you on your journey
I'm grateful that your parents have agreed to let you go back "for a little while." Although you offered no reason for their decision to kick you out of their home, this could be a positive opportunity for you to begin sorting things out for yourself. NO NEED to post the details of what happened - just take time to contemplate this opportunity and consider what steps you can take for yourself.
Yes, the website is the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the statistics are staggering and frightening. There is more violence and abuse being reported among teens and young adults than ever before, and abusers DO NOT GET BETTER. The abuse only gets worse.
Good idea to leave when he's gone. And.......don't take what you don't absolutely need. This is just "stuff" that you're leaving behind and you'll have a chance to replace "stuff," in due time. Your life is NOT worth any object.
Good luck to you and brightest blessings as you begin your new journey.
P99, you asked for "advice" with regard to the abusive situation that you were experiencing. From the moment we reach out and admit that there is a problem, then we are no longer unwitting "victims." Once that cat is out of the bag, it cannot be put back in - you've made a choice to return to someone who has already harmed you, and you will be harmed, again. Abuse doesn't end - it just evolves into more insidious ways and means.
I know this from personal experience and over 20 years of working with victims of domestic violence and abuse. You're not going to be an exception - there are no exceptions to abuse. He's not going to ever get better - it's just the "makeup" phase, at the moment, and it will return to the way that it was, before, but perhaps altered so that it's more hurtful with less physical abuses.
Honestly and truthfully, you are too important and valuable in this vast Universe to allow someone to take you down Life's toilette along with them. You have too much at stake - you are worthwhile and deserving of something far, far better for yourself. But, you are the only person that can find your own path. Someone else isn't going to create your path or lead you to it - it is your path, and yours alone.
The statistics for domestic violence and abuse within the LGBT communites are inconclusive simply because there's too much stigma associated with these lifestyles, and most victims never report.
Some links that you may find useful are below. Whatever has happened within your family, I would encourage you to reconsider working on your personal issues and absolutely contemplate why you found it necessary to return to someone who is going to continue to harm you.
I thought I was alone!
Almost the same thing happen to me....I was shocked when Rajiv Chandawarkar Ct health center (who is a surgeon) started yelling racists abusive words just because he thought I was keeping him waiting. He wanted to go to lunch. However, I waited for over 2 hours for the doctor. Dr. Chandawarkar office staff messed up and blame it on me. I thought the doctor was going to apologize for keeping waiting, but he was so irrational I think he was on some type of drugs. I also called the insurance company and told them not to pay for the doctor visit since I ran out of there without medical treatment.
4,155 messages, 646 topics, topics per page limited to: 14, average number of messages per page: 90, 46 pages,
|Abuse Support Image Gallery Last 30 Uploads|
Copyright 1999 - 2016 www.curezone.org