Once again, the "holiday season" is upon us and abusers have available countless opportunities and excuses to perpetrate more frequent and severe episodes of domestic violence and abuse against their victims. Domestic violence/abuse includes: emotional violence, verbal violence, physical violence, religious/spiritual abuse, financial abuse, and sexual abuse. Domestic violence and abuse has no cultural, religious, sexua| orientation, ethnic, or economic boundaries. There is no stereotype or profile for domestic violence to exist, and it covers every "intimate" relationship, including platonic and familial associations.
During the holiday season, it is a statistical fact that reports of domestic violence and the severity of the episodes make a dramatic spike. The reason is simple: there are ample excuses for the abuser to experience "stress," and therefore more ample opportunities to blame victims for increasing stress in one way or another, especially in our current economic climate. Of course, the victims have nothing to do with the perpetration of violence by their abusers - they don't "ask for it," or stretch the limits of stress to cause their abusers to harm them. They are just there, for whatever reason.
If children are involved, the violence often becomes even more extreme with a reported 90% of all domestic violence being perpetrated IN FRONT OF CHILDREN. Often, the victim is threatened with "No Presents" for children unless the victim agrees OR submits to (fill in the blank). The victim is frightened of being abused, certainly, but they are even more frightened of the threats that may be seen through by the abuser. In my previous life, the abuser did, indeed, follow through with threats and the children were denied gifts during the holiday, special holiday meals, participation in religious/spiritual rituals, and many, many other witholdings. Keep in mind this statistical fact: children who are raised in an environment of domestic violence and abuse are 10 times more likely to develop into abusers or victims, themselves. If they develop into abusers, their level of abuse will be greater than their predecessor's.
How to know if you (or, someone you know) is involved in an abusive relationship? The first thing to do is to open your eyes and put on your "listening ears." From the National Domestic Violence Hotline website, www.ndvh.org, a general list of potential violence/abuse is provided:
I got out. I lost many, many things, including my own children. You, on the other hand, might be able to fare better than I did if you go through the proper channels. NOTHING is worth remaining - "Things" can be replaced, but there is no monetary equivalent to human life or well-being.
My most sincere positive energies and brightest blessings to all who are afraid, suffering, and desperate. End the cycle and contact: .National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224
I am SO sorry that your father is experiencing this horrible situation. He must, must, MUST have legal representation, particularly so that he may be released while awaiting trial. I don't know if you are in the U.S., but if your father is in the States, then he has a right to legal representation through court-appointed attorneys.
Once your father is released, he should never be left alone, again.
Well.......I did contact this woman via an assertive (NOT angry) written message to indicate to her that returning gifts and criticizing / complaining about what was gifted is 100% unacceptable in this country. I also pointed out that grandparents are held in high esteem to do for their grandchildren as and how they can. I stated that she needed to contact me using her own email account, or Skype account, or even using her own cell phone, but that my son should not be the go-between.
I received an outrageous rant, this morning, from this woman. It was accusatory, ugly, and of the utmost disrespect imaginable. She went so far as to call me a "racist" with reference to a comment that I made that she didn't understand the customs of this country and that it might create problems for her in the future, since she didn't arrive in this country on a work or student visa - she came into this country strictly on a marriage visa, if there IS such a thing.
I do not care, one iota, about this woman, and my eldest son allowed this whole thing to blow up by misinforming this woman about his past, how many marriages he's had, what the circumstances were that ended each marriage, and that I had somehow had tried to interfere in his second marriage. I never spoke to his second wife and only met her on the occasion when I picked up my youngest son who had been living with them for a short time.
She is now in the TEXTBOOK final phase of isolating my son from his family, will be delivering this child, soon, and she will likely file charge of domestic abuse and/or violence once this child is born. Every aspect of this woman's behavior is listed by the US Embassy as patterns of green card scammers. From arriving in this country at my son's expense, to the marriage within 90 days, and the subsequent drama/trauma and unexpected pregnancy, this final effort to isolate is absolutely noted as predictable.
I am out. I am done. I cannot risk my progress for any man, woman, or child, and this whole episode has made me sick to my stomach.
This morning, I became very sad and angry about this woman's behaviors because I had kept up a false hope that both of my sons and I could enjoy a healthy relationship, finally. Well, that's just not the case. The eldest son is (as I mentioned) Borderline and Cluster B. He has extreme control and anger issues, is an admitted abuser, and he ended up marrying one just as devious as he is, if not more so.
So........a note to parents out there who are trying to mend fences with adult chidlren and feeling guilty for whatever rift that exists: if you have stood accountable for the mistakes that ALL parents make, including ones who escaped dysfunctional dynamics, and apologized to your adult child, you have done as much as you can. The rest is up to them because, as adults, they are making their own choices.
I still love my eldest son and care about his well-being, I will not be drawn into this mess, even if a grandchild is involved. I cannot allow myself to become attached to a human being that I will never have contact with.
Ham-cereal, I'm so sorry to read about your situation, and I'm sorrier that there are 3 children involved.
Borderline ....... has she been diagnosed as borderline, or does she exhibit the symptoms? There are specific dangers with regard to borderlines depending upon which cluster they fall into. Some will threaten suicide while others will attempt suicide as a provocation. Physical violence is not uncommon, regardless of gender.
If you are done with this marriage, I would strongly encourage you to become involved in individual / private counseling. A lot happens to a person when they've lived in a traumatic situation, and men tend to "cope" with this trauma quite differently from women.
THEN, I would hire the best attorney that I could find. Borderlines do not like to lose, and they will manipulate Family Courts for their own benefit and drama/trauma entertainment. They will also use children as tools or weapons. This is particularly difficult when the mother is a serious problem. BUT, if you begin counseling therapy with a trauma specialist, and continue going to sessions, etc., this will be of benefit not only in the divorce, but also for you, personally, in the long run so that you don't choose another disordered person as a partner.
I also tried to "fix" a very dysfunctional and abusive union because I was SO ashamed for having chosen a very, very bad partner. Life is entierly too short to spend it walking on egg shells and allowing children to be dreadfully traumatized by a wacko parent.
Don't threaten your wife with divorce. Do not tell her that you've spoken to an attorney. Don't give her ANY indication that you're going to file for divorce. Just find a calm spot in your day, quiet your mind as much as you can, and keep moving through your days until your attorney advises you to either move out or kick her out. DOCUMENT everything that she says or does using a written (NOT technological) log using dates, times, exact quotes, actions, and YOUR actions/responses, even if they don't make you look like a saint.
Particularly where the children are concerned, tell them nothing, as well.
Best wishes to you on this challenging journey. You will make it out of this and hopefully take your children with you.
So, each year I post information about Domestic Violence & Abuse (DV&A) on Curezone with regard to what most people refer to as “The Holiday Season.”
While it is a statistical fact that reports of domestic violence are reduced during this time of year, what isn't reported is that the emotional, verbal, spiritual, financial, sexual, and psychological abuse is ramped up, times ten. Why is that?
Well, there's no simple answer to that question, but there are many reasons that abusers find to use “The Holiday Season” to their advantages. If there are children involved, so much the better as per results for the abusers' entertainments.
The promises that “...things will be different...” or that “...it won't happen again...” are meshed into this time of the year along with “Hope,” and “Peace on Earth.” Particularly, those who are devoutly religious or spiritual experience very intensive abuses that are non-physical. The victims' beliefs are literally used against them while they are being verbally, emotionally, and, in all ways besides physically, battered. In order to be a “Good _____,” the victim is made to feel obligated to “forgive” the abusers' actions, and believe whatever empty promises the abusers make.
Some of examples from the National Domestic Violence Website (www.thehotline.org) of non-physical abuse can include the following:
Calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you
Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive
Trying to isolate you from family or friends
Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with
Demanding to know where you are every minute
Punishing you by withholding affection
Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets
Humiliating you in any way
Blaming you for the abuse
Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships
Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior
Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again
Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are
Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc.
Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them
Financial abuse can include the following:
Giving an allowance and closely watching how you spend it or demanding receipts for purchases
Placing your paycheck in their bank account and denying you access to it
Preventing you from viewing or having access to bank accounts
Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours that you can work
Maxing out credit cards in your name without permission or not paying the bills on credit cards, which could ruin your credit score
Stealing money from you or your family and friends
Using funds from children’s savings accounts without your permission
Living in your home but refusing to work or contribute to the household
Making you give them your tax returns or confiscating joint tax returns
Refusing to give you money to pay for necessities/shared expenses like food, clothing, transportation, or medical care and medicine
Sexual abuse and coercion can include the following:
Making you feel like you owe them — ex. Because you’re in a relationship, because you’ve had sex before, because they spent money on you or bought you a gift
Giving you drugs and alcohol to “loosen up” your inhibitions
Playing on the fact that you’re in a relationship, saying things such as: “Sex is the way to prove your love for me,” “If I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it somewhere else”
Reacting negatively with sadness, anger or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree to something
Continuing to pressure you after you say no
Making you feel threatened or afraid of what might happen if you say no
Trying to normalize their sexual expectations: ex. “I need it because _____”
Forcing you to dress in a sexual way
Insulting you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names
Forcing or manipulating you into to having sex or performing sexual acts
Holding you down during sex
Demanding sex when you’re sick, tired or after hurting you
Hurting you with weapons or objects during sex
Involving other people in sexual activities with you against your will
Ignoring your feelings regarding sex
Forcing you, or expecting you, to watch p 0 r n o g r a p h y
Purposefully trying to pass on a sexually transmitted disease to you
Please, take note that 90% of all DV&A is perpetrated in front of children. This is an unfortunate statistical fact, and the statistics are gathered from agencies that only respond to DV&A calls. There is no theory with regard to the percentages of DV&A episodes that go unreported.
If it's a neighbor, friend, family member, or just someone that is being abused in the local convenience store, it is most certainly OUR business to contact local authorities, immediately, and stay away from the altercation, at all costs. Why should we put our noses into places where it doesn't belong? Well, the first and most obvious answer is, compassion. Sure, the victim will likely return to their abuser, this time, but there may come a future episode when they won't. The second reason is that DV&A is a drain on every manner of public service, available. From medical, to behavioral, to legal, to financial, DV&A robs our economy, on every level. Finally, if just one spoke is removed from the cycle of abuse, it's a WIN. DV&A is growing at an exponential rate, and the statistics with regard to teenage relationship abuses is atrocious – 4 out of 5 teenagers have witnessed DV&A and 40% of all teenagers in relationships have reported abuse and/or violence.
And, female-on-male abuse is not only underreported, but it is so stigmatized that those percentages are skyrocketing as per our current social climate. Same-sex DV&A is often unreported.
For more information on DV&A, please, visit the following websites to help yourself, or someone else:
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