Why do I refuse cataract surgery, even though now I can hardly see through the yellow fog? Let me enumerate several reasons here.
1. An IOL has inferior optical properties, especially the ability to accommodate both near and far distances, compared to the natural human lens.
2. Cataract surgery exposes patients to risks of secondary complications, even if they are small.
3. Although many patients have good visual results after cataract surgery, it is not uncommon to have inferior outcomes, which in extreme cases can be devastating to the patient.
These three reasons are very disconcerting, but they alone do not disqualify cataract surgery as a viable option to try in the face of cataract blindness. It is the fourth reason which, in my opinion, makes its practice so repugnant, unethical and unacceptable.
4. It was, is, and always will be the responsibility of the eye profession to save the human lens and restore its full function. Failure to honor that responsibility, for example by running clinical trials of the many anti-cataract eye drops which were discovered over the last 70 years, and which proved successful in animal trials or on human lenses in vitro, is betrayal of the trust invested in the eye profession by the patient population, and by the human race itself. It shows, ironically, that the eye profession does not have the slightest respect for the human eye. It is, moreover, an abuse of power. Whether those trials prove successful is another matter, but at least the trials must take place. Furthermore it was, is and always will be their responsibility, as scientists, doctors, but above all as fellow human beings no different from patients, to relentlessly pursue this quest on behalf of humanity until such trials are successful in restoring full optical function of the human lens.
I would like to make it clear that I would have no quarrel with cataract surgery if it had never been given first and sole priority by the eye profession. By conveniently allowing the surgery to eclipse, for their own self-serving ends, the real need to restore the function of the natural human lens, and by giving patients a miserable choice between either having the surgery or losing most of their useful vision, despite the existence of potential nonsurgical means of restoring sight which were never clinically trialed, they are bullying patients into having the surgery. This is absolutely unacceptable to me, both as a patient and as a human being.
I am so sorry that you're experiencing all of this.
You made a very cursory list of your present status, but there is no information on relationships, family history, or other contributors to emotional well-being.
What we all want to do is to be able to say, "This is what's causing _______." We want an answer. We want a cure. And, we want it, right now.
The symptoms that you are describing are familiar to me, and I have to say that nutrition is the start of relaxing the body. But, we are a mind-body-spirit organism. What we feel and experience has just as much effect upon our physiology as supplements or additives.
Until you begin your counseling therapy, there are a few things that you can do to help ground yourself.
First: suicidal ideation is fleeting - it seems like the "answer," but it is permanent and there is no "do-over." There is no reset, no new spawn, and no taking back an act to end our own lives. Remind yourself that this is not the answer. It's a false solution, but not an answer.
Meditation. Calming the mind can help to calm the body, as well. Meditation can be something as simple as having a cup of tea and watching the birds, or as involved as setting an alarm for 20 minutes and repeating a specific mantra. It can involve singing. It can involve writing. It can be prayer. It can involve painting. It can involve chanting. Whatever takes our focus away from the past and future, and brings it into the present is meditation.
Tapping. Tapping, as I've typed many times, is not some mystical technique that can only be taught by a guru. Tapping simply involves crossing the arms and tapping a rhythmic cadence on the opposing sides. This can be the upper arms, or.....if you're in a meeting or somewhere that would be inappropriate to do this, crossing the wrists over the lap and tapping the upper thighs will also work. This works because the right and left hemispheres of the brain are being forced to communicate and work together. The effect is immediate, though it may not be miraculous. It is calming, and you can also add a mantra to assist in the rhythm. Mine has always been, "I'm okay, and okay is good enough."
"The Now." Or, as many counselors call it, "grounding." This is when I become wholly mindful of my body and my surroundings. I take note of where my right hand is - on a desk, on the paintbrush, on wet clay....where is my right hand? Where is my left hand? What is each hand doing? I take note of what each fingertip is feeling. Rough or smooth, cool or warm surfaces. How textured is the surface? I then move on to the rest of my body - what I see, and what the colors are. I take note of shapes, forms, shadow, and light. I also define the atmosphere. Is it cool? Is it humid? Is there snow? This exercise requires patience and practice, but I will say that it is my go-to technique, along with tapping. The reason that this is effective is that it brings my mind out of the past and away from the future and focuses on the present - where I am, right now.
Depression is created by focusing on the past. Anxiety is created by focusing (predicting, expecting) on the future. What's going to happen, next? Living in "The Now" is the best "key" to relief from both depression and anxiety.
Check out Eckart Tolle who has defined an entire whole-self progression into living in the present. His story is quite amazing and he was suicidal when he began to sort this out for himself.
Brightest blessings of comfort and encouragement to you
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