Karlin, I'm sorry that you're feeling that suicide is the only solution. You asked 2 questions: "Am I being reasonable," and, "Why did the car shut off"
I believe that you can provide the answers to each of the questions, yourself. I cannot objectively determine when suicide is "reasonable." I have been taught through various avenues (including holistic medicine, and my own epiphanies) that there always exists hope and reason to live as long as there is breath in the lungs. As far as the car shutting off, again, I cannot begin to explain what happened, as I wasn't there. You are more likely to determine what happened better than anyone else. Sit with it. Think about it. Contemplate.
My personal view is that we are not given the choice as to when we enter this world, or what cards we'll be dealt in our hands. For me, personally, suicide has been an "inviting" solution to my many, many issues, pain, and conditions, but I've learned that even suffering has a point, and I'm not going to get into that discussion, here. Suffice it to say that it's final. There's no reset, there's no do-over, there's no taking it back, and the people that we would leave behind will be tortured by our actions, regardless.
Since you've already attempted a suicide, it might be time to contemplate a different route. Please, take time to visit the following site for some answers, suggestions, and hope: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
There are many things in this life that are still beautiful, even in the midst of my pain and physical misery. I take time, each day, to remember what those things are and that I am not going to let anything beat me down, today. I cannot predict what will happen tomorrow, and yesterday is done. Just for today, I'm facing Life, as it happens.
I wish for you the very brightest blessings of comfort and healing
I am so sorry that you're experiencing all of this.
You made a very cursory list of your present status, but there is no information on relationships, family history, or other contributors to emotional well-being.
What we all want to do is to be able to say, "This is what's causing _______." We want an answer. We want a cure. And, we want it, right now.
The symptoms that you are describing are familiar to me, and I have to say that nutrition is the start of relaxing the body. But, we are a mind-body-spirit organism. What we feel and experience has just as much effect upon our physiology as supplements or additives.
Until you begin your counseling therapy, there are a few things that you can do to help ground yourself.
First: suicidal ideation is fleeting - it seems like the "answer," but it is permanent and there is no "do-over." There is no reset, no new spawn, and no taking back an act to end our own lives. Remind yourself that this is not the answer. It's a false solution, but not an answer.
Meditation. Calming the mind can help to calm the body, as well. Meditation can be something as simple as having a cup of tea and watching the birds, or as involved as setting an alarm for 20 minutes and repeating a specific mantra. It can involve singing. It can involve writing. It can be prayer. It can involve painting. It can involve chanting. Whatever takes our focus away from the past and future, and brings it into the present is meditation.
Tapping. Tapping, as I've typed many times, is not some mystical technique that can only be taught by a guru. Tapping simply involves crossing the arms and tapping a rhythmic cadence on the opposing sides. This can be the upper arms, or.....if you're in a meeting or somewhere that would be inappropriate to do this, crossing the wrists over the lap and tapping the upper thighs will also work. This works because the right and left hemispheres of the brain are being forced to communicate and work together. The effect is immediate, though it may not be miraculous. It is calming, and you can also add a mantra to assist in the rhythm. Mine has always been, "I'm okay, and okay is good enough."
"The Now." Or, as many counselors call it, "grounding." This is when I become wholly mindful of my body and my surroundings. I take note of where my right hand is - on a desk, on the paintbrush, on wet clay....where is my right hand? Where is my left hand? What is each hand doing? I take note of what each fingertip is feeling. Rough or smooth, cool or warm surfaces. How textured is the surface? I then move on to the rest of my body - what I see, and what the colors are. I take note of shapes, forms, shadow, and light. I also define the atmosphere. Is it cool? Is it humid? Is there snow? This exercise requires patience and practice, but I will say that it is my go-to technique, along with tapping. The reason that this is effective is that it brings my mind out of the past and away from the future and focuses on the present - where I am, right now.
Depression is created by focusing on the past. Anxiety is created by focusing (predicting, expecting) on the future. What's going to happen, next? Living in "The Now" is the best "key" to relief from both depression and anxiety.
Check out Eckart Tolle who has defined an entire whole-self progression into living in the present. His story is quite amazing and he was suicidal when he began to sort this out for himself.
Brightest blessings of comfort and encouragement to you
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