Unable to move on in life - unable to forget an old crush
I am 33 yrs old and resident of India.
At present I am married and have a kid of 4 yrs. I am working with a large MNC.
Back in 2007 when I was a bachelor, I was studying in a college and during a course met a girl whom I immediately like and made friendship with. We became project partners and within few days I discovered she had her birthday just 1 day before mine. Also, as I have deep interest in astrology, numerology, palmistry etc, I discovered that her left hand (lines on the palms) was almost 80-90% similar to mine. I got a strong feeling that she was destined to be my better half.I shared my feelings with her but not as explicitly, only indicating that I wanted her to look at our relationship more seriously.
Her immediate response was of shock, and she told me that she avoids guys who try to talk her into lover affairs and related stuff. Things cooled a bit and in indirect words I shared my attachment to her again. She said that she is quite immature ( she was about 23 yrs old then and I was 27 yrs old) and is not good enough for me (Apparently because I had a background of studying in top colleges , while she was with me just for a single course in this college.)I was surprised and quite confused at this.
We somehow completed our joint project and got separated. I told her that I have crossed the 'threshold' of being a friend and see more to the relationship that just being friends. Hence I would never be ble to be her 'friend'.
Then at several instances (almost once or twice in every six months) over the next few years we re-connected, sometime by my initiative and sometimes by her (we shared adjoining birthdays!!) only to end up in a quarrel and go off again.At one such instance about 6 years ago, I messaged her saying that she was such a 'hard nut' who would not understand other's feelings.
I thought of moving ahead in life and got married , then had a kid too. But that girl's name kept haunting me every now and then. I would see her name on billboards, in strange places. People with similar name would pop up in my office or in my mail box and thus I could never forget her.
Around the time of my marriage I had read a book 'Brida' by Paulo Coelho , which talked about soul mates and I was convinced that whether this girl acknowledges or not, she is my soul mate.
I tried to distance myself from her - we never connected on facebook or skype etc, but as I said earlier kept re-connecting on email off and on.During such message exchanges, I even suggested her to read this book 'Brida' (without sharing the context) , but she did not take it seriously.
After about 5 years since separation in college, we thought we need to resolve our issues and we met. I still felt highly uncomfortable in telling her my true feelings , though between frivolous talks I did indicate the extent of my attachment to her. Also I indicated that i am unable to give the love and attention that my wife deserves. At this meeting she indicated for the first time that I never went ahead and proposed her formally. Also she informed that she is now in a relationship with her childhood friend and would likely marry her, after her post graduate course (to be started within a year). This childhood friend of her's was the same guy who used to run after persuing another girl when we were in college. I hated to hear that he's the 'chosen one'. Also, because at all times I felt that I was a better partner for her, by intellect, by family values and by astrology.
I landed in a very difficult frame of mind. I felt like having lost even before trying. Time passed and we got separated again by distances. We started living in different countries. I deliberately tried avoiding connecting with her even on her birthday (through email)but she would drop in a friendly wish and we would exchange a few comments / chit chats.
I got to know that her 'childhood friend' is also in the same country and in a nearby location as her. I felt sad, but couldn't say anything as this is outside my zone of influence.
All these years I kept feeling that it is our fate / destiny thats trying to reconnect us. I was almost certain that as much as I keep remembering her, she too would be remembering me and may also be regretting not having considered me seriously back then.
This year I succeeded in not wishing her again on her birthday and she too didn't wish me, though all through that period I kept remembering her.
I had so many question in my mind mostly on why did she reject me, when I consider myself so lovable, gentle, kind hearted and nice person. Also to add, I am from a reasonably well off family of values and culture. I've had several girls getting attached to me during my school and college years, purely because of my nature (I am neither very handsome, nor very rich!)
Now just about a fortnight ago, she reconnected with me and informed that she is in the same city as I am (this city is her home town). We exchanged a few emails and decided to meet. In between her excessively hectic schedule she managed to spare a few hours to meet. She indicated that she really wants to talk. But upon meeting , I felt I would be unnecessarily burdening her with my side of the story (including the several downs I faced after rejections/quarrels with her in my professional and personal life). I resisted and bid her good bye. She was about to leave in a day or so, to return to the distant country, but I couldn't contain my emotions and for the first time asked all the question I had in mind regarding why she rejected me back in college days.
She did not respond and went away. After about a week, i.e. just about a week from now, she responded that she was busy will all travel-packing-unpacking but has been really waiting for years to talk.
So We agreed to connect for the first time on skype and we had a long call. She said she will answer all of my questions but the answers to most critical question (why did she reject me?) broke my heart. She said she never had feelings for me ever and that she found me very aggressive and studious type ( I used to be good in studies and have interest in writing articles, poems etc). Also she said that she was never 'free' when with me during college days. I was shocked to hear this as we went out so many times for lunches or for casual strolls during the college days and even met 2 -3 times during the past almost 7 years , but this thing never appeared to me.
Upon inquiring why did she keep re-connecting with me, she said that she considered me a 'friend'. I thought I had never done anything to be called a friend but she gave reasons like 'she learned a lot while working on the project together, so she considered me a friend'. She also said that she felt guilty because I was unable to love my wife as much as I should. (Just for context, I love my kid enormously and try to get her every possible goody in life. I also try to give all luxury and comfort to my wife, but really can't find myself cuddling with her- She often complains I never have time to 'talk' with her)
Also, this girl I've been talking about said that I never proposed marriage to her and did not wait for her (instead got married after just over 1.5 years since college), while some of the people she knows persistently persuaded their beloveds and succeeded finally.She also told me she was very hurt by my 'hard nut ' message six years ago and she has still saved this message with her.
Though devastated , I put up a brave face, thanked her for the answers and wished her good luck with her life. She too did the same.
We exchanged a few short messages subsequently and then again 3 days ago I wrote down a short sentimental message about feeling bad that she considered me aggressive. She responded by saying that she hates writing messages and If I desire I can talk.
Now for the past 3 or 4 days, I find myself repeatedly logging on skype to see if she's online ( we have a 12 hour time difference) and when I've found her, all I've done is to log out - log in - log out, at almost all hours including mid night and odd times like 3 - 4 am here.
I know , the easiest answer is to say ' forget her and move on in life' , but thats what has not happened over the past close to 7 years. Can anyone tell what is really happening and how can I normalize?