Thank you all for your support and advice. Here's how the past few hard days have been. Last Sunday was spent trying to find the courage to tell Mom but every time I tried to, I couldn't get the courage or Dave was always around. Then I spent my time in my room picking up the phone & hanging it back up trying to find the courage to call the police.
Every time I picked the phone up, my heart would beat so fast & my stomach would get queasy. Then I just laid on my bed quietly crying because I was so mad at myself. At the dinner table, Mom noticed that I was upset even though in the past I've been able to hide it well. And as usual, I made up an excuse & just said I didn't feel well & asked to be excused. I wouldn't even make eye contact with Dave but I could feel his eyes burning on me.
I went back to my room & not even 10 minutes later Dave came up to "check" on me & he threatened me that I had better stop this moping around & instead make like everything's okay or else I'll be sorry. Monday night when Mom went to work, Dave raped me yet again. Because of the bleeding & soreness I was having, I tried so much to resist him this time but he was just too strong & I pissed him off as well. He raped me roughly in anger & the pain was unbearable. I think I passed out or something because I don't remember when he finished & got off of me. All I remember is finding myself on the floor. Ever since, my rectum had been burning very bad & still bleeding. I didn't say anything to Mom Tuesday morning and in fact tried to avoid her & Dave before I went to school.
In school is when I finally told someone. I told my best friend during break time, I guess because he's my age & I felt less ashamed to tell him then to tell an adult. I broke down crying in front of everyone but I couldn't help it. I went into the boy's bathroom to avoid any more stares & my friend followed me. He told me he had thought something was bothering me for quite a while by the way I acted & how I looked like I was in pain at times. He had asked me lots of times what's wrong but I wouldn't tell him. Now I finally couldn't take it anymore. He said I had to tell the police but I told him I couldn't find the courage to. He asked me what I was going to do and honestly I didn't know. So I left school like normal.
Then I couldn't believe it, the cops showed up at my house Tuesday evening just before my Mom was going to work and asked if a "Dave" was there and asked for me as well. They got an anonymous call that I was being sexually abused by Dave.(I found out later that my best friend's Mom called the police) Mom was shocked. They had a couple police officers questioning Dave and a female officer questioned me. That's when I finally told the police and Mom.
Mom started crying and ran after Dave and had to be restrained. She was screaming at him and the cops had to escort Dave away. On the way to the hospital, Mom kept saying "Why didn't you tell me when it first happened? Didn't you think I would believe you? Didn't you think I would kick him out of the house? I can't believe you think so little of me that I wouldn't have believed you. I can't believe you suffered through this for months without telling me. Didn't you know you could be hurt internally and need to go to the doctors right away?" I felt so terrible that I did this to my Mom. She was hysterical and crying.
To find out like this was bad enough and now I made her feel helpless and guilty. At the hospital, I got examined...it was an awful experience, that's for sure. It turned out that I had anal tearings, dilation, bruising and swelling of the anus.
The doctor assured my Mom and I the injuries would heal and I'd be okay. He gave me a healing cream and a stool softener and I'm happy to say that most of my STD tests came back negative. There are still a couple of tests that I don't know the results yet including the HIV one. I'm so worried about that one.
I'm relieved that nothing's seriously wrong with me but now after telling Mom and my friend, I don't know why but I feel sad. Maybe it's because my Mom cries whenever she looks at me now and she keeps saying she should have known. Our Thanksgiving was spent mostly in tears. She held me and we both cried most of the time. I feel so bad for my Mom because she finally found happiness & now she's heartbroken again. She made so many sacrifices for me & I just wanted her to be happy.
Now I feel like I turned her life upside down. She's alone again and she blames herself for letting this evil guy she thought she loved into our home. And now I'm also worried about when I go back to school that all the kids will know and I'll be so ashamed. I don't want to be called "homo" or "fag" but I know that's probably what some of those a**ho**s at school will call me. I'm glad I don't have to live in terror or endure extreme pain anymore but now I feel ashamed, guilty and don't even want to leave my house anymore for fear someone will be looking at me. I dread going back to school.
Why do I feel this way? Shouldn't I feel better now that Dave may go to jail? Oh, and Dave is denying the charges(even though his semen was found inside me during the examination). It might have to go to trial and I'm going to have to testify against him. I don't want to, I just want it to be over. I can barely get a night's sleep because I have nightmares.
Will I ever feel normal again?