i am a 24 year old man,
i am a marine and have been for a while
i spent this 4th of july weekend with some friends at a hotel, there was one girl over there that kept trying to hit on me, i kindly informed her friends that i was not intrested. she kept trying to get me to go back with her to her place, with promices of beer and such, (i was the only one drinking in the hotel room) i told her no thank you and went to sleep, the next day some of my friends told me they were going to a party out in town, and she was takeing them, seeing as i had friends i did not think much of it. when we got to the party there were people playing beerpong, (a fav of mine) and through the corse of the night giving me drinks, once again i did not think much of her being there becouse there were alot of other people. the two friends i had rode with to the party had to take off to the hotel, i was in the middle of a game of beerpong so i asked if i could get a ride later when i finished. they told me yes so i contenued to play.. after the i do not rmember what happend after that.....the next morning i woke up in a bed with no cloths on.. the girl that was hitting on me was laying next to me.. i freeked out.....my head felt like there was a jackhammer in it and my leg hurt bad... i asked her what the hell happend and she told me that we had sex... i instently felt dirty and ashamed.....like there was a lot of little bugs on my skin that i could not get off...i asked her to please give me a ride back to the hotel and she did...i know its not normal for a guy to fell like this but i fell so sick and isolated.. i dont know what to do... i cant tell anyone, they will laugh at me ... i had work to day to i have been trying to act like nothing happend, but when i got a moment to myself i cried like i never have before. the dirty felling wont go away, and i feel like evreyone is looking at me...can someone tell me what to do to make this stop
Just stop thinking it. It could
be that simple. Just stop...
It would seem to me that yes,
you were violated, but even this
violation can become a thing
of the past if you allow it to.
Talk to yourself and find out
what it would take for you to
find your comfort level again.
Others can help you feel comfortable,
but really, only you can feel
comfortable and know when you
are. It may be a challenge to
dig deep within but have those
cries when you are alone and
feeling safe. Those are a part
of your healing, and THAT is
normal. It shows you care, and
that is a great human quality.
You are not dirty, but you were
demeaned. It was not right. Still,
its your choice, stay here in
your mental misery or go on.
You can probably imagine how
many other walking wounded are
around you. You are not alone.
In the moments when you do face
those memories, process what
you can and press on through to
where you will find your comfort
I can also recommend reading or
listening to "The Power of Now"
by Eckhart Tolle. When I am feeling
stressed out, I like to put a CD from
his audio book in just as I go to bed.
I immediately begin to listen and there
is no room for inner looping of inner
dialogue and thoughts which do not take
me where I want to go.
I want to go where I feel peaceful.
I chose not to be afraid, and not
to embrace hatred. Love yourself.
Forgive yourself. The rest will
take care of itself.
Sorry for the spelling in the original post. I was vary worked up and needed to get it out as soon as possible without breaking down.
How can I let this become a thing of the past.
No matter what I do, I cannot hang around my friends anymore without
felling unsafe. As far as others helping me out …….I am a Marine,
They don’t take anything regarding sex serious. I would be told that I am
A (sorry no disrespect intended, just going for accuracy) FAG for not wanting
to sleep with her. Don’t get me wrong, I like women just as much as the next man, but
On my terms, and not only that, but as funny as it sounds, sex is a big deal to me,
I need to have a connection with someone before I can give myself to them. My other friends are the ones that were there, so its not exactly a good situation.
Its not so easy to find help. That’s why I had to use this sight
The ridicule from fellow Marines would never end.
And while it is easy in theory to pull yourself up and be happy.
I cant help but think about this every moment I am awake.
I took 5 showers Just yesterday, but this felling of grime will not get off.
Its not just saying I fell emotionally dirty, I actually physically fell like I
Have filth covering my body.
I am sorry , but I cannot see other MEN in my position. And I cant help hut think
That its my fault for allowing myself to drink that night. the thoughts have been
dancing in my head, and sometimes I get so mad at myself I cant even look at my reflection.
I need to know what to do to make these felling stop
Its to hard to just try and bury them
I just want them to end, I cant even sleep now without wakening
Up thinking that I am back in that room.
I wonder how the woman would have felt if she was drugged and didnt remember or consent to what happened to them- of course you should be angry-and have the feelings you are experiencing- do not let anyone invade your soul as they have your body. You have a right to all you are thinking and feeling. PS I dont think that happens from alcohol alone ---YOU WERE DRUGGED
You were taken advantage of and violated, much like victims of date rape drugs. You have no memory of even consenting and do not remember the incident. Have you called the rape hotline? http://www.rainn.org
I would think that the folks there are going to be compassionate and non-judgmental.
Also, on a side note: have you ever, before this incident, blacked out after drinking alcohol? If the answer is yes, then I would gently suggest that perhaps you have a problem with alcohol and need to look into some sort of support group like AA. If the answer is no, then call the rape hotline and ask how long the date rape drugs stay in the body and if getting tested now would find any traces. If traces are found, then a crime has been committed. Not to say of course that the rape wasn't a crime too. It was and the fact that you feel violated is understandable.
Please don't be hard on yourself, just because you're a guy... You were taken advantage of and all the feelings you have right now are normal. You sound like a caring, compassionate and decent guy. You need a safe place where you can process your feelings and heal. Please consider calling the rape hotline. 1.800.656.HOPE (4673) They won't ask for any identifying information, but they'll be able to lend an ear and offer some advice for coping.
I wish there was more that I could say to help and more that I could do. Please call RAINN and talk to someone. Also, if you're near a health food store, pick up some Bach's rescue remedy (it's in a little bottle) and take about 4 drops in some water every hour or so until you're feeling a little less anxious. It also comes in lozenges (pastilles) in a little tin. It's for trauma/stress of any kind-- emotional and physical.
If the Rescue remedy is at all helpful, there are other bach remedies that can help you release this trauma and heal. Crab apple is another good remedy for you. There are others. This site has a listing of all the remedies and what each one is good for.
Read your story. I hope you have sought some counseling. It helps to talk to somebody and get these dark thoughts out of your mind. I was drugged and raped by three guys in a gay club. It took me a long time to talk about it because I felt cheap and ashamed of myself. We need to talk about these things and it is good to cry about it too. You have to let it out, and therefore find someone who do understand. We should not be cross at those who cannot understand our pain and embarrassment, for they have not been in our shoes yet.
The main thing is that life goes on and that you cannot put your happiness in future relationship in jeopardy because of people who are a bigger danger to themselves than to you. You owe it to yourself to go and live a good life.
I am trying now to go to the victim advocate, getting the courage up is a little harder then it seems. I think I will try the healthy food thing that someone else posted. As far as me having a problem with alcohol, I don’t drink all that often. And when I do its social drinking, like games of beer pong. And I have never blacked out before. The more I think about it, the more little bits and pieces come up….i will look into seeing if I was drugged, but the last thing I remember now is hitting my head on the table we were playing beer pong on (the ball dropped and I had to pick it up)…….beyond that point I have no memory….i told one person who told me that I need to report this, he is my superior and also a good friend…. … last night was the hardest for me….i was alone and all the thoughts came into my head at once. I could not handle them….. one of my friends happen to find out (how I do not know) a called me up… stopped me from doing something stupid to myself….. the days are long but the nights are harder…. I have been living off of energy drinks to put myself in a more energetic mood…. But its becoming harder and harder to keep this happy face on…
also to add to my other post,, the idea of the media geting involved (male Marine raped by women) scares the hell out of me.... then no matter that i do i would not be able go back to normal, i would always have prople looking at me at that guy who got raped..
That's great that you're thinking about going to the victim's advocate. It'll be easier, at first, to make an anonymous phone call to Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN).
"National Sexual Assault Hotline | 1.800.656.HOPE | Free. Confidential. 24/7."
You need to talk to someone. You need a lifeline. Please call them. Get started on the Rescue Remedy. Take it as often as you need it. It is good stuff and it works. It helped my daughter get over her extreme fear of thunderstorms. Before Rescue Remedy, faint rumbles of thunder in the distance would set off a really bad panic attack. A thunder storm would make her hysterical. Now faint rumbles don't bother her and loud thuder storms are easily tolerated with a Rescue Remedy pastille. It also helps her with those adolescent meltdowns. It calms her down quickly.
Go to the bach flower remedy site I posted in the previous message. I'll look through the remedies too, and make a list of 3-4 remedies that would be helpful to you right now and repost.
Read up on the EFT process at emofree.com. It'll help too. We're all thinking of you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I am by no means an expert in Bach remedies, however here are some remedies that may prove helpful to you in addition to the Rescue Remedy:
Agrimony- for inner torture
Gorse - for desperation and hopelessness
Walnut - adjustment to change
Crab Apple - for shame and disgust
Gentian - for depression with known cause
Heather - for obsession with own troubles (obsessive thoughts)
To make up a stock bottle: Get an empty bottle with dropper (1 or 2 oz bottle), add 2-4 drops of each remedy, add spring bottled water to the top. Take 4 drops from bottle in a little water or drop carefully in mouth, do not let dropper touch mouth. If it does clean thoroughly to prevent contamination of stock bottle. Since you are in an acute phase, take often, every 30 minutes to hour. Use up remedy within a week to 10 days to prevent spoilage.
Pick up a book on Bach remedies for reference and use.
Alternatively, you can take a drop from one or more of the remedies and put directly on your wrist.
Bach remedies can be expensive, shop the 'net for the best price, if your health food store is pricey. Some sell them for $20 each.
I talked to the victim advocate yesterday… I ended up telling him everything . to my surprise he understood what I was going through. I have appointments today to talk to other people about this. They want me to talk to NCIS to have an investigation started… but what hurts the most is when I had to tell my command, they all blamed me.. they told me it was my fault for drinking and it was only after the fact that I told them that I have only had sex with two women that they asked if I felt like a victim. These people have the best intentions in mind regardless of what they say.. they are just not use to the idea of a man being raped… I am getting my blood tested for drugs today… but they told me that because of the length of time they may not find anything ( got to love military medical)
Last night I spent the night at my Gunneys house, the wanted to make sure that I was taken care of.. he is a dam good guy.. funny part is that he use to me one of my drill instructors….. life just seems so surreal now. I still cant seem to wrap my head around all this. but one thing I do know is that I don’t want her to get away with it… I will keep you all posted through everything including the trial when it happens, which as it looks now will be soon…. She took a piece of me, even though I cannot get it back I can hold her accountable for her actions….. I hate her so much…. Why would someone do this to me, im a good person, I always try to help people….I HATE HER….. she made me want to die….. sorry I am going off on a tangent, I just caught myself…thank you all for you thoughts and your messages… they help so much..
I shared my advice from the point
of view of someone who also has
been abused. I am past the half
century mark and yet when the
thoughts and feelings cross my
mind and emotional barriers, I
can smell the man's breath who
raped me as a child. I can feel
his hand on mine using it as a
way to masturbate. I can remember
the very nuances of dissociating
when he began to penetrate me
and I was helpless. I was in
second grade and did not even
know about sex. I knew what was
happening was not right. I had
begged my mother not to make me
go to this person's house where
he would have me come under the
pretense that his disabled wife
wanted me to visit. She told me
I had to go. I did not have the
language to speak to the crimes
being committed. So, the point
being that at some point, only
you can lay your pain down and
move away from it. For me, it
never has gone away. The feelings
come in the middle of the night,
or the middle of the day. I will
see the dust through the sunlight
somewhere and think of what happened.
If I turn my head and lay it on the
bed a certain way, I find myself
revisiting those feelings of leaving
my body and floating above myself
watching this man rape me. Yet, while
I will not forget, I feel I have
moved on and for the most part that
period of my life is not where my
focus lies. It was my CHOICE not to
allow him or his memory to re-victimize
me over and over. Yes, he took something
from me which can never be replaced.
When as an adult, it came up and
I shared what happened with my
mother, she wept. The only person
responsible for this act of violence
was the neighbor, and in your case,
this woman. I agree with the person
who advised you to get tested for
STDs. Otherwise, I will continue to
hope for you that, especially as
a Marine, you find the strength
and courage to not let this woman's
crime continue to suppress your
capacity to live and fight for
your peace. Do not make the mistake
either to feel that all women are
like the one who violated you. I
will hope for you that with time,
your heart will soften and you will
find yourself available to be loved
as well as, to love.
i know it must have been hard to share that Zoebess...
and to tell you the truth it scares me. I don’t want to be
50 years old still thinking about this... but thank you..
Yesterday I did all the blood work and the urinalysis.. I had to give my statement to NCIS as well.. I am getting better at controlling my emotions… I just wont let myself cry anymore. There are times I come close (a lot yesterday when they were asking me for detailed descriptions) but I held it together…. I just hated the fact that they were asking me all these questions and they were so detailed, I could not remember most of them. Little things to like the color of cretin things the complete order of events, everything I ate that night the cloths of everyone around me… I was mad at myself for not having a better memory… it seemed the only thing I remembered in grate detail was the morning I woke up… the one part I don’t want to remember.. I could tell that the agent was getting frustrated with me… I knew that there was not a lot of evidence in this case, and it would be hard to prove that anything even happened, but I could not stand by and just let it happen…. Now it just seems like people have a hard time believing this could happen to a guy… they tell me they understand and that they are there for me… but underneath there eyes I can see the true thoughts that they are thinking……. Is this guy serious!!!!!!
But one good thing is my grief councilor.. she is outstanding… she only ask me to talk about what I am comfortable with… she actually does give a dam.. and she is not to hands on, she gives me my space when I need it, but is there to comfort me when its getting to hard… vary professional
The only thing I wish (besides this never happening) is to remember what the hell happened so I could have more information to give the agents….. I know it sounds bad but I want her to pay for this…
Yeah, I never talk about what
happened to me since I also
want to keep it behind me and
not allow it to saturate my
life. Still, I do not think you
I am glad for you your counselor
is good. Men cannot comprehend
how it feels unless it has happened
to them, but it really does happen,
from what I have read or seen on
shows like Dr. Phil. Work through
it and make the decision not to
be a victim and let what happened
define the rest of your life. You
will get past this.