Paranoid, Guilty and Feeling $*%&$* Terrified!
Day 3 Post-Fast
Date: 12/15/2006 3:36:30 PM ( 11 y ) ... viewed 2366 times
Before starting my fast I took the scale up a ladder and stashed in the attic allowing it to see the light of day every 10 days or so. I have a love-hate affair with the scale and know that in terms of bodyfat weight it tells lies and shames me into committing guilt-induced binges. Scale, I hate you! Forever!
In fact I'm not letting you come back down, not until February or so. I made a plan to weigh-in on the 1st and 15th of every month to keep track of my progress, but the thought of weighing in two weeks after my fast scares me and I'm just not going to do it. Not yet, not until I'm strong enough.
Last time we saw eachother you told me I was 140 pounds and I was fully aware of the fallacy of that number because I had completed my fast and was destined to gain back 3-10 pounds within the coming days. I don't want to see those pounds, I don't want to see that higher number. You keep that dirty little secret to yourself.
On the first day post fast I had veg soup, the next day, I boiled it down to a stew. Today I added rye crispbread and goat cheese and felt stuffed. Too stuffed in fact. I wanted to lie down and go to sleep.
Need to get that feeling back, want that 'high' feeling of superiority that I get from restricting. Despite having made a green bean and tomato stew today, I'm not going to eat it tommorrow. Better fast a day and resume eating on Sunday. I want to feel 'clear' again. I ate way too much today and will measure out half a cup of stew for Sunday, with half a crispbread and half the goat cheese I had today. Just a little bit of food. My body was doing with nothing for so long, what was I thinking to eat so much today. Granted, it wasn't a lot of food, hell I'm sure most people could have packed away twice the amount but it was way too much for me, way too soon. Bad girl, BAD!
I'm looking at my thighs in these black pants and they look like two giant sea lions! I can feel the bulge of my stomach as I type. This is not acceptable! I think I'm $*%&$* going insane!!!
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