An Update 3.22.13 22 mon
A short update on my eating, exercise and smoking addictions.
Last December, I met someone new at the gym who taught me how to do heavy weight training. Ever since I have become addicted. My weight has dropped and goes between 108 pounds to 112 pounds, but I am also very toned. My arms look incredible and my stomach and legs have a lot of muscle but the fat content is a little too high to see it well. I love the weight training because it keeps my mind in balance, it gives me something to look forward to and I never really get depressed because I know I have weight training to look forward to that night. Itís ultimately incredible. The only thing is ... read more
Current Experiences and Awareness 32 mon
Just whats going on in my life now.
I havenít posted for nearly a year in here. Okay, so I had two scales, one said about two pounds less than the other. I had had that scale since I was in high school and had gone down to 88.5 pounds once. That one broke, so now I have the one that says two pounds more. Yesterday it said I weighed 115 pounds. I was really really sick about two or three weeks ago, for about two weeks. I feel I still have remnants of it. I wake up coughing if I eat sugar at night. Last night I had a night where I overate a little bit. I am really struggling with this food thing, begin uptight and controlling ... read more
Sunday July 31, 2011 4 y
July 31, 2011, Goal for August
11:33am Pacific Time
I was doing okay with food lately, up and down, but since its summer, my weight is apparent. I am intending that in the next month I release about five to eight pounds. Including the water weight. Right now Iím 114 to 118 and I want to be 110 or less. I also want a lot of toning in my muscles and more energy.
I am drinking my coffee right now, but want to cut back on it in general and start juicing again my fruits and vegetables. I also want to eat more fruits and veggies and just eat less junk food in general.
My cat is going to hopefully have babies that are ... read more
My day, June 15, 2011 4 y
June 15, 2011 11:41am Pacific time
I havenít been doing well with schools endings.... I am feelings lost in the world, and worried that things will become the way they were before school ended. I love to have fun, but I think Iím depressed because I went to the mall the other day and didnt really want to look at anything. Iím about to go for a run which I know will be good and healing for me. It apparently rained last night so the air should be pure.
I dont know what I want to do next... I have always wanted to write books, I want to teach, and I would enjoy doing therapy and healing, but even at that point, I feel the n ... read more
New Beginnings 4 y
June 13, 2011
Okay, so basically, I finally finished school. This created some fears in me because of the long time and effort I have put into finishing this goal. I have put the past two years into focusing on this and denying a large part of myself that now I am able to re-open up. I also am still working at my internship but that seems to be just giving me some kinda structure under my feet and also Iím getting hours towards licensure. I am not going to have money of my own until I start making my own... I am not sure what Iím doing in my life currently. Still feeling lots of turmoil in my relationsh ... read more
What cancer really is 4 y
I am studying how cancer is created by the disturbance in our culture on fruits and vegetables. Basically we eat crappy and even if we eat veggies, they have fungicides on them so we donít get the natural fungicide from the plants to kill fungus in our bodies. Cancer is the candida grown out of hand and the body produces a wall around the fungus to protect itself from the fungus.
So I have eaten salad every night for dinner for the past three nights and thats been really good. I feel like Iím eating real food and cleaning out some old junk.
I feel good!
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Fasting (just today) 4 y
Starting a fast today
As everyone knows, fasting is a challenge and it can take a few attempts to actually do it. I am debating the every other day fast, I like the idea, but for now I want to juice fast just for today. I was consistently at 112lbs at the end of last year beginning of this year, now I am 114-116.5 and I donít like that. I know its from stress of school and work, but I need to chill out and be able to be with the stress of it. In therapy we were talking about Ēthe divine feminineĒ and if we were actually connected to it that we would not have an eating disorder. I know that sometimes I eat just ... read more
Sunday, May 1, 2011 10:54am 4 y
fasting, weight, water
Today, I am going to fast. I am having my coffee right now and I intend to drink lots and lots of water in order to flush out the water weight I am holding. I have been fatigued lately. Kinda tired in general. I would like to do a better job at cleansing myself. I will post again tonight after I fast where Iím at in terms of weight. I am also going to the sauna. visit the page
Breaking up with my bf and liquid fasting 4 y
12:16pm Thursday April 21 2011
I am starting a liquid fast until I weigh 105. I also have a lot of work to do and a lot going on right now, but I really dont care. If I need solids, Iíll have a smoothie. Thats it. I need this for a feeling of control. I am breaking up with my bf tonight. I was 116.5 because I overate last night and this morning a bit. So here we go the beginning of a new journey for me, also without my bf. visit the page
Spring Cleanse. 4 y
Stress and Overeating Leading to Transformative Changes.
I have had a lot of stress the past two weeks. Nearly every moment of my day has been filled up with activity and Iím really just not used to this lifestyle. However, I am only going to be doing it for another 8 weeks after this week. (two more days of this week) I have a client today and a group at 2pm. Then I tutor a student later at 5-6. I didnít eat a lot yesterday but when I got home I made mac and cheese and then I had chocolate chip cookies.
Part of the reason the past two weeks were hard is because I told M that I didnít want to see him because I wanted to figure things out with ... read more
4/6/11 4 y
I love myself today
I received an e mail from a psychic I worked with, she said to tell myself, I know exactly what to do. She said that when I say ĒI dont know what to doĒ I am creating more confusion for myself and when I say ĒI know exactly what to do,Ē I bring myself more clarity. She also said that I am not Ēin loveĒ but Ēin karma.Ē I guess it might be true because it really doesnt make a lot of sense the intensity which I feel the situation. I am slightly low on money but also working on Creating Money with manifestation energetic tools. For example, feeling the essence of something before you receive i ... read more
April 5, 2011 4 y
I have a lot to do this week. Today I have to go get my oil changed, deposit some money in my account, fill out paperwork for my job, see a friend and go to work at 6pm.
I saw suc***Punch last night. Movies are always emotionally provoking for me which is why I really like comedy the best. I leave comedy movies feeling happy and high and wishing to maintain that energy.
As for the rest of whats going on I actually have been really concerned about my relationships but kind of ignoring the situation. I am not talking to Mitch and Alfonso and I are fine but I donít feel the same for him ... read more
Wanting to utilize Geneen Roth's tools 4 y
Healing my eating issues still
I just awoke from sleeping 10 hours. I am meditative and sleepy now. Last night we went to dinner with my boyfriendís family and it was a large dinner consisting of what I had was steak and beer then we had cake after.
I still feel kinda bloated and I want to study Geneen Roth and Intuitive eating when youíre hungry because I know that I overeat past a point of fullness and if I could stop doing that it would be wonderful. I know I wouldnít even really eat that much because I get full so fast, but I would feel better when I walk away from the meal.
I also have been thinking about how ... read more
Saturday, April 2, 2011 4 y
Stream of Consciousness
I had a good day yesterday until I got nervous. I was so meditative and connected. I was reading Creating Money by Sanaya Roman and meditating, visualizing the house I will buy. I feel it close as though within two years it will be mine which ultimately is very soon. I talked with my supervisor for a good amount of time and I feel sexua| energy between us and a guilt about the joy that I get from talking to him since he is married but as long as I donít act on it, its fine I think. We are allowed to have authentic feelings. Just not hurt others.
So that was that, then I went to therapy ... read more
Feeling good :) 4 y
Just my day, Classes, Graduation etc
I am running a little low on money for the next couple weeks, but staying super positive! I might sell something gold I have for some cash which I really think Iíll need, but no stress all is well. I will officially be making money I hope in July! Maybe August if not July. I have to get my intern number.
I also meditate on the law of attraction that all will be well and it will.
Aside from that, I did power yoga in Santa Monica yesterday which is always FUN, but my body was soooo weak from drinking the night before and hardly sleeping that it was super hard.
I went with my friend ... read more
A random twist of thoughts 4 y
Feelings in relationships
Feeling a lot calmer today. Yesterday I went to training and saw Mitch and went car shopping with him. When Iím with him, I feel high and no time lapse whatsoever. Also, every time he touches me I feel a strong exchange of sexua| energy. Itís as if time stands still but goes too fast when weíre together. Then it was over as fast as it began and I came home and did the rest of my day. I am feeling a bit shakey but not sure why today. I was feeling pretty nervous the rest of the day yesterday over what to do with Alfonso and it was hard to eat. I didnít eat until late and we had a frozen piz ... read more
My situation today in relationships 4 y
I donít know what to do in my romantic situation. I want a one month break with Alfonso I think to figure things out more deeply. How this is going to happen, I have not a clue. I do love Alfonso, but I wonder sometimes how I would do and feel on my own. I will miss him if he is gone and have to figure out how to take care of myself in the ways he has taken care of me. I have been a very dependent person I feel in terms of he cooks for me and is paying for my car. I am still finishing my MA in Psych for the best four months. I do need help to get through it.
I went running and swimming ... read more
Feeling Better 4 y
Healing myself to heal others
Iím not sure what I weigh today, but I have consistently been at 111 to 115. Nothing lower than that.
As for my life, things were feeling a lot more peaceful last night. I actually had a sense of serenity in my heart that no matter what happened in all of this it will absolutely be for the best. When I think back on my life, everything has always worked out. As soon as I graduate, I get to make money as an intern and also I am going to advertise myself as a spiritual/intuitive counselor. I am very excited about these new ventures and starting a real career and using the amazing gifts I ... read more
Short experience but painful 4 y
A short experience I had this week.
The other night I had a breakdown in terms of what Iím doing. My boyfriend called me when I was out and claimed to be suicidal. When I got home, he had drank a lot of vodka and was on the verge of destroying our home.
I was upset and detached. I am still recovering from the experience in terms of what I am to do in the situation. Mitch now wants to be Ēplatonic friendsĒ and has been very distant. Alfonso is clinging on to me for dear life saying he is terrified of me leaving.
In all of this, Iím having food issues. Iím also wanting to manifest more money. visit the page
Lots going on 4 y
My experiences with last night
I believe that a journey to truly healing an eating disorder is examining all aspects of our lives.
I have been in a relationship with two men in a sense. One has not said ĒI commit to youĒ and I live with one. It has been really really really hard on me balancing lies etc.
Alfonso is my boyfriend I live with and Mitch is the other guy.
So last night I went to Mitchís. I never really feel totally welcomed open-armed by him, however, I like being let into his world. I do not understand the feelings I am having for him at all which makes me think that this is definitely something ka ... read more
I fasted today 4 y
How I feel
I didnt eat much today. I had a little red wine which is kinda retarded being that I want to candida cleanse. I struggle inside myself with all of this. my boyfriend is right now cooking me some rice and fish and I seriously dont want to eat it. I feel anorexic. I dont want food at all right now, but last night i was eating lots of cookies! it makes me feel angry with myself. visit the page
New Day! 4 y
A Candida Cleanse beginning
Yesterday was a long day as most wednesdays usually are for me now. Coming up next month in April, my weeks will be even longer and more challenging.
I am sitting in my living room looking at a raven on my gate who is attempting to come and get the crackers I left out by the door, while my cats sit and watch. He is too afraid to come because the cats are on the other side of the screen! It is soo cute! I love to feed all the animals in the area, I also feed raccoons and opossums and neighborhood cats :)
So last night I felt very nervous, I had a beer and my boyfriend made pasta and s ... read more
Thursday March 10, 2011 10:45am 4 y
What I want, and where I'm at.
I got my period yesterday while I was doing my run at the beach, so Iíve been cramping and having lots of fatigue. I fasted all day yesterday until I got home and had tea and my boyfriend made me soup, salad, and sandwich. It was good. I woke up in the middle of the night and had really bad pain so I took a tylenol and had a cup of kefir, and now I am having my coffee this morning.
I still obsess about what I eat, I donít know if this will ever change. Yet, when I got home I weighed 112.5 rather than the 116 in the morning which shows that most of it is water weight.
Because I am so pe ... read more
Beginning my journey 4 y
A brief synopsis on the end of healing my eating disorder
I have been through so much in the past few years in terms of my own journey of healing and self-discovery. I developed an eating disorder at age 14, which began with a diet and ended up becoming a cycle of anorexia, exercise bulimia, and binge eating. I would like to eventually write a book on my experiences if in any case it could help other young women to get through their experiences. A lot of books really helped me on my journey, one of my favorites were the books by Geneen Roth.
I am now 25 and interning to become a psychotherapist. I am also a writer and artist and hope to create ... read more